What would you do if you had PIL who were this insane?? (longish!)

[Nixz]

I would appreciate your advice on this ladies, its long so i willjust highlight the main points...

1. Dp has had quite a rough childhood in glasgow, mum drinking/disappearing/taking overdoses/no friends/doing drugs etc. Dp's dad worked away when he was younger so dp was working full time from 13 to support himself. (he originally lived with grandparents til he was 6 who he thought were his parents but Grandad died.)
2. He left home at 16 and joined the army, he's doing very well and is respected inhis career (when his mother doesnt phone up drunk and have hysterics on the phone with CO)
3. His mum is always getting drunk leaving appalling messages on our phone, lots of them and has once took an O/D whilst we were there (dd was 1.11, she is now 5 and we have never been back)
4. She has been on the phone to me all morning begging for forgiveness, saying she has seen a solicitor for access to dd (she has seen her once in 3 years and i have always encouraged her to stay in contact) and wants to 'start again'.
5. Dp is fuming that she can just expect him to forget everything, i cant stand her but would like her to see dd regulary but dont think its gonna happen and it would be nice for DD i think to have another set of Grandparents. Anyway, what are your thoughts? Do we give in for the sake of peace and for dd or say 'NO' to the pscyho granny from Glasgow?!

Nixz,

Your DP's mother is a classsic example of what is termed a "toxic parent". All of her behaviours you have outlined point to this.

I would not entertain any idea of a relationship with her under any circumstances as you will all be dragged down with her further.

Would recommend your DP (and you) read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Has much insight into how and why such people operate the way they do.

Thanks Meerkat, good idea about the book.
All the comments on here today have made me realise that we are too forgiving to this woman, how many other people would you give these chances to?

Hmm, a difficult one.
This woman is clearly a desperate soul.
She will never stop drinking. Forget that and don't bother with the "you can only see DD if you stop drinking" line as this will cause her further anguish. And arguments. She'll feel as though you are in control and are nagging / bullying her. She'll not respond to that.
While I can understand the arguments NOT to see her, and NOT to allow contact / relationship with your DD, might this actually be of help to her? Something positive?
If you do go ahead, can you take it very easy to start with and meet on neutral ground? Go for lunch somewhere? Do you ever go up her neck of the woods? That might be a start. If you are near her, and she does go for weeks without drinking, you may be able to make a spur of the moment phone call to see how the land lies. If she sounds fine, maybe suggest meeting?
If you DP is uncomfortable, could you and DD meet her without him? Not without him knowing obviously but without him present?
Good luck with this.
I know how you feel, to a lesser extent but nevertheless.
I also think that children are very resilient and as long as you are there and in control, I doubt seeing her grandmother will cause her too much distress. I could be wrong though!

Have only read original post, but one thing struck me. Why do you think it would be great for dd to have another set of grandparents when the ones she would be getting include this woman???

I think you need to support your dp in this one. Children can and do survive without a full complement of grandparents.

A resounding "no" from me. Avoid her at all costs. Why risk you dd getting even a snippet of what your poor dh went through?

Oh and I also doubt she has seen a solicitor- this is just talk.

agree with meerscats.

Heavens,...Deffinitely no to psycho granny, unless your DP wants her in your lives.

Nixz my fathers mother was like this
My parents stopped us seeing her as she was screwed up and didnt want her to affect us.
I only seen her once after I was 4 and that was when I was married and after having dd1 after visiting another relative and she was there.
What I didnt know, didnt hurt me and I can honestly say that never seeing her or hearing from her affected me.
She was a nothing in my life and there was no love lost.

Freckle, i 100% support Dp on this, i just wanted other peoples thoughts etc and also i feel he is struggling to make a decision that is 'right' for us and dd rather than just an angry 'no' straight away and i think he will turn to me for advice in the long run.
When i said it would be nice for dd to have another set of grandparents, i was just trying to weigh up the pros and cons etc, but you are right - what are the pros? I suppose i meant in an ideal world, it would be nice.

We couldnt really just cut her out of our life though as she rings my family, calls the army and demands someone from Dp's regiment speaks with her, we visit his other family (who think that he is being too hard on her) and they often talk about our visits, our life, she leaves endless messages etc etc.
That was why i was thinking earlier that to keep peace, it may be a good idea to let her see dd and then they will slope back off for another 12 months happy that they have done their 'bit'. I just think DP wants to stand up and say 'No' this time (which i will support) and i dread what will come next for him to deal with as a consequence.

In an ideal world, she wouldn't be a drunk, insane pain in the b*m, though would she?

I know that you want a complete family for your dd, but I think, on this question, you need to weigh up what she would bring to dd's life. As far as I can see, it would only be trouble.

She can see a solicitor all she wants, but she's got a long, long history of drug and alcohol abuse, so it's not really likely she can expect a positive result if she sues for access.

So, for the safety of your child, who really shouldn't be in the care of a person abuses substances, I'd say NO to her.

I think you need to support your DP in this.

I do support dp 100% but i dont think he knows what to do for the best tbh and i think he will ask for my opinions or help and i really dont know what to say for the best either.
DD will never be left alone with PIL as they will visit her at my house.

So - I think the general consensus from you all is that we should stop having any contact whatsoever - unless she finds it with in herself to change and prove to us that she has something to offer?
Thats suprised me as dp's gran thinks he is too hard on her and i wondered if maybe we were judging her too much but believe me i have merely 'touched' on her behaviour, so infact we have given her too much of our time already.

you must not feel guilty. It's her behaviour that's the problem. To even talk to you about solicitors!!!!!!!!