I think dh has Aspergers - how do I approach this?

[Roses123]

I've namechanged as I know dh looks on here occasionally.

Dh and I have been married for over 10 years. He has always been slightly different to most people (he's in an industry where this is a strength as he's very creative). But he has some quirks - he can't look people in the eye when he speaks to them. He finds it very hard to relate to other people's feelings (like a real lack of empathy). For years and years I tried to explain this behaviour to other people in that I KNOW he loves me and the dc hugely but the way he expressed it, it made me feel very alone.

I read an article in the paper the other day about Aspergers and it was like a light being switched on. He even has some unusual tics (not all the time but in certain situations) and other behaviours that tick almost every box.

But where do I go from here? He copes very badly with even being mildly unwell let alone being told he may have a 'condition'. And everything I've read on it since says one of the key ways to improve everyone's lives going forward is recognition by the person who has Aspergers that they actually have it. Where do I start?!

To be honest I'd do nothing. I'm not sure you can change a personality. I did know someone (old boss) who had Aspergers and he tried to overcome it by reciting questions asking you about your feelings. It came across as totally unnatural and creepy. I prefer to deal with people the way they naturally are, unless the condition as such is damaging to themselves or others.

I wouldn't do it in the manner of asking him to change but more that he is aware of it and the impact it has on others.

FOr years and years I've tried to understand the way he behaves towards me and other people and I do feel enlightened but I don't know if he would ever get the same self awareness that I have had from thinking he might have it (if that makes sense).

One way that adults become aware of AS for themselves is when one of their dcs is being diagnosed with AS.

As for telling your H, I have no idea as I haven't been able to do so with mine. I think that if he knew it would be easier for us both to pull in the same direction. But that's because we have some issues that need to be resolved.

Apart from feeling ackward because people around you don't think he does love you and the dcs, do you have any major issues? If not, I would leave it tbh.

I'm not sure what would actually change tbh? Do you want him to get an official diagnosis? If not I'm sure it's helpful to anyone to self diagnose aspergers.

"He copes very badly with even being mildly unwell let alone being told he may have a 'condition'."
It doesn't really sound as though he'd be glad to know.
And I'm not sure how it would change things for you anyway - what do you mean by ways to improve everyone's lives going forward ?
Trying to change him would be like asking him to be the colour blue.

no it's not changing, like Peppa says, it's almost like it would help both of us. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well really :).

Yes, we have a lot of issues. The same issues that go round and round in circles. I had to have counselling relating to a crime that happened (long story) but funnily enough, the counselling I had ended up dealing with the crime in about 1 session and the rest of the time, it turned out to be a lot about my relationship with dh. And it was really helpful but it made me realise that I am behaving in certain ways to 'cope' with his behaviour. It's all quite subtle.

One of our dcs is a bit like dh but nowhere near as bad. Even this tiny amount of self awareness has hit dh like a train. He even told me the other day he doesn't want to know if he is even a bit like that as he can't believe it. The truth is he's about 100x worse! But I think he almost needs to realise that.

come and join us on the AS/NT relationship support thread here in relationships (it's called something like "Can Asperger's look like emotional abuse?"). It'll be somewhere on the first two pages.

Oh, and read Rudi Simone's book, 21 things every woman should know if she loves a man with AS.

ommm is right, this is a good thread.

From what you say, it sounds as if 'knowing' and 'realizing' would a situation very difficult to handle for DH.
Obvioulsy, having a diagnosis wouldn't change anything about him. But for you and him to be aware, it would help putting strategies in place that suits both of you.

You say that one of your dcs is a bit like this. Has he recieved any formal diagnosis/investigations that could be a starting point, not to tell your DH, but for him to realize bit by bit what is going on?