Is this standard for relationships? advice welcome please

[MamaMaiasaura]

I have been wondering wether I should stay in the relationship but am not really wanting to leave.

Known my partner for 13 years and been together just over 2. He is not father to my ds. Things are difficult at the monent. We arent 'arguing' and voices are rarely raised in the home. When we first got together my ds lived with my xp full time and this changed sometime ago. Ds and bf get on well btw.

Thing is my bf and I rarely sleep together (literally) for varying reasons from him needing good nights sleep, or him having bad cold and not wanting to disturb us with snoring. This wouldnt bother me hugely if there was still physical affection between us, but there isnt. He hugs me hello and pecks me on the lips ut never strokes my hair or nibbles my neck or anything. I feel like it is all my fault too as sometime ago he wasnt using deodrant or cleaning his teeth regulary and I tried to be tactful in alerting him.. dont think he took it too well.

The last time we had nooky was about 3 months ago and I had been out with the girls and was a lot worse for wear and was actually semi comatose and half woke to him having sex with me. It was actually quite rough and i feel quite upset about it although have never told him. He didnt even seem aware that I knew it had happened. It isnt that he doesnt have an interest in sex as I know he looks at porn online which makes me feel even worse. Tonight i gave him a hug and kiss and he almost flinched when i kissed his neck.

I also wonder if it is because he knows that I would love more children one day and perhaps he doesnt although he denies this and has even offered sugestions for names. My mum thinks he is lovely, and he is generally a very kind and considerate person. He is fairly controlling and admits that this is an issue for him and cannot accept critisim. He also appears to have 'monthlies'. and also sometimes makes comments i find offensive as he thinks they are funny and they arent. I dont want to disrupt ds either as he is very settled here (although makes the occassional comment like 'we dont own this house, xxx does' as my dp has been quite territorial at times.

this has helped typing this up and I apologise for the length of this as well. Cant talk to my mum as she thinks he is wonderful and dont want to spoil that and would benefit from more objective views.

thanks loads xx

sounds like your saying one of your reasons for staying is fro the stability of your son - yet he doesn't feel secure does he?

i'd personally rather argue than have no affection. my nan once told me that if you argue at least you have passion. its when you can't be bothered you have to worry.

also the drunken rape isn't a very good thing is it? i couldnt stay with my dh of 17 years if i woke up half pissed and he was getting off.

might as well be f*cking a corpse, the whole act is an intimate one where you get off on each other. he sounds a very selfish man. and i think you are right to be thinking about this seriously.

i'd start by making sure you have all relevent documentation that you may need for leaving.

assessing your financial situation, working out benefits and such and putting money away where he doesn't know.

that way you are in full posession of your status before making a decision one way or the other.

Awen you don't say how old your son is - "disturb us with snoring"? Does he not have his own room?
I don't think any of us can tell you what to do as there are lots of potential issues here. But I don't think you should shut out your mum. I can only assume she's delighted that you've settled down and have your son living with you. She may for all you know have her reservations but be keeping shtum. Also could there be an element of - it is "his" house so you are not feeling an equal in the house. And because it is a home you have made for your son you don't want to destroy it, which is entirely understandable. As for porn, does that bother you in itself (which is a big issue) or is it the lack of attention to you? What has changed from the relationship 2 years ago? It is quite normal I think for sex to "settle down" after a couple of years to more of a "routine" either by choice or sheer exhaustion.... Also what one person likes another doesn't. Personally I find some one touching the back of my neck does nothing for me. Nuff detail! Clearly it is something you like and you assume he does too. It may be that he has other sexual needs that he has chosen not to share with you, eg different sexual games, rough play, maybe you need that conversation. Whether you will like the outcome remains to be seen, and given that you say he is not good with criticism it may be that he is wary of discussion in case you don't like what he says. I am always worried by men who "control" people. It is sometimes the thin end of the wedge and hides a bullying and/or insecure nature. Whatever you decide be true to yourself and your son and put you two first, not your mother's feelings nor "gratitude" to a man who has shared his home with you. However I would suggest you try to resolve these issues before you consider having children with him. Hope these random thoughts help, take care of yourself

I do think part of the reason I have stayed is for security of my son, but also for mine as well. There is an element of gratitude and also fear of losing my ds all over again.

Ds isnt the one snoring, dp is. Ds doesnt share bedroon (he is nearly 6) although he does sneak in occasionally

What you said custardo I found very hard to respond too, not because you said anything wrong either but because I am not wanting to view the bedroom incident in that way. When i have tentatively broached it he said, 'well you had been going on about wanting it for ages'. crass huh.

Re porn, i do have a problem with it as personally I am concerned about exploitation of young women (personal experience of undesirable encounters have coloured my veiw) and find it hard to comprehend how he can get off on a picture or short video. I also have a problem with him keeping an 'toy' in the bedroom drawer that was from a prev relationship and have asked if it could be pot somewhere less accessable.

My mum is lightly aware of some issues but I no doubt that she is delighted with my chose of partner. He is a high earner and very polite and charming and a geek (meant in a nice way).

It isnt about the neck think so much as any intimate contact. He cant 'handle' any gentle touching. Am am also large up top and long hair - neither of which he finds attractive, although in a way that could be complimentative as i am 'breaking' his mould.

I guyess the fact is that this relationship here and now seems doomed in so many ways, hence we havent started trying for kids together (also impossibloe as would be immaculate conception). We have talked about them as I have fertility issues and when forming a longterm relationship it is a an important aspect of 'future' hopes iykwim.

I guess to decrebie him would be responisble, controlling, arrogant, interesting, hardworking, sensitive, caring and complex or maybe completley simple but i cant see.

He is a real conudrum , he can be the most patient sweet guy, he brings me flowers every week to say he loves me and wil do amazingly thoughtful things and then he will be a twit.

thanks for letting me vent and for responding too. IT is really helpful getting other views

I have to say I agree with custy - what he did is actually rape. You didn't consent. This, along with the controllingness, worries me a LOT.

Awen,
it doesn't sound too good.
Re the bedroom incident, I would find it very disturbing that he seemed to want sex, but without you, if you see what I mean. Flowers, and I-love-yous are nice, but - !

You said that you are staying partly because it is secure for your ds (I am also single and understand this), but I am guessing that if your ds has commented that "we don't own this house" then he doesn't feel as much at home as he ought to.
Why would you risk losing your ds if you left dp? Would your ex then go to court to get your ds back? It isn't a crime to be a single parent, there are lots of people here who have more experience than I do of coping with the first few months, finding somewhere to live etc. custy's advice about forward planning sounds good.
if you want more children, and this guy isnt the one - well, the quicker you are out there, settled and looking for the right one, the better. And mums - grrr - mine would have had me married to completely the wrong man, just because he had a steady job and was ex-public school!

I agree with Custy as well. If I woke and DH was getting off I'd be packing his bags for him pretty damn quick. He raped you, though in his eyes probably he doesn't see it that way. A lot of men see it as their 'right' in which they are so obviously 'wrong'.

thanks for listening to me ramble last night. I am still undecided on what to do. Re my ds, i realy dont think that his comment re i dont own the home but dp does is too huge as i think he is exploring issues of ownership of property (nearly 6. I have explained to ds it isnt about where you live and more about who is with you and that you are happy and safe.

re the incident in the bedroom 3 months ago, i know i teased him in the car re nooky as he collected me from girls night. When i got back tho i did crash out. Am sure i posted something about it here as i had some horrible discharge after and was a bit panicked by it (sorry if tmi)
I mentioned around the time that i did actually remember some of it and he was a bit rough. He said that i had asked for/implied i wanted a seeing to when in the car. I havew to wonder if he feels some guilt around this as he hasnt been near me in that way since. I am incredibley ashamed and embarrassed as I may have totally misinterpreted his actions, but for me it just didnt feel nice at all

If i do leave i dont want to rush off tho and i agree with custardo re taking time, although it is right to say that if i do want to increase my family i stand a better chance of finding mr right when single.

Best of luck Awen whatever you decide to do. Flowers aren't the be all though. Bring me champagne!! Seriously more important is a peaceful home, control of the TV (the off switch), control over my money and my body. Otherwise you will need to have a talk about your respective approaches/needs in the boudoir if you are to move forwards, otherwise you will stay confused and hurt which will eat away at you. Custy's advice is good about getting a few bob together on the sly. I am fairly sure my ex did a bit of "stashing away" ho hum.

i really think he should respect you more if you do want to stay in the relationship but if you want my complete honesty i think you should leave him, if a relationship is in this state so early on then i wouldnt bother he will only get more ocntrolling over time and you will feel more and more unable to leave. Of course its completely up to you thats just my view and what i would do, but i also understand its hard to actually get up and go.