Where to from here? (access)

[Bobits]

I was in living with an ex for 6 months where he was physically abusive to my ds1 (from a previous relationship) and emotionally abusive to me. The entire relationship was for 2years 4months and the abuse only started when we began living together.

It ended in oct 2011.
I have a beautiful dd2, now 7months to this man.
My H.V and G.P know of the four incidents with my ds1, and I have spoken to womens aid.
Currently this ex visits dd2 once/twice a week at my home.
But she will not be a baby forever, I worry what he may do if he ever has her on his own.
What steps from here, does anyone advise, to safeguard her? xo

Hi, glad to see you are thinking ahead and that the incidents have been documented.

I think that you need to ensure supervised access to your DD for the future. Given the violent and scary incidents from the past (I read your other thread) this would be permanently supervised rather than supervised with a view to free access.
A family lawyer can help you to draw up an agreement or you can go to court.

It is your responsibility as a parent to keep your DD safe.If you are clear and have documented the previous abuse and are clearly trying to promote SAFE contact (not just prevent contact) the courts SHOULD back you up.

You can talk to your local Social services too to get the abuse recorded and to get advice for the future.

best wishes xxxxx and well done for looking back at what must have been a very traumatic time

Thankyou for your clear and concise advice.

I think I worded the other thread badly, as I have no doubt the behaviour of my ex was unacceptable.
I wanted useful advice for the future which I should have asked for.

Unfortunately my thread 'was this abuse' prompted responses expressing shock and questioning why I had allowed the abuse.

This led to me to feel like I had to explain my actions which is not productive to me moving foward and ensuring the safety of myself and family.
I alone have to carry the shame of letting what has happened for the rest of my life.

Good grief Op I have been in an abusive relationship....I couldn't see the wood for the trees for 14 years!!!!!! It is easy seeing it written down in hindsight!

I just take my hat off to you for getting out and being forward thinking about your DD

you need to stop letting this man into your home, even to see dd - might be easier for you but gives wrong message. says to this man he is ok, an acceptable presence in your home. where is ds at this time?

move the contact outside to public place.

it is going to be difficult to prove he is danger to dd though - or any concern to have him around you - at the moment you giving the impression it is quite ok to have him around you and dd ie no danger or risk at all. you quite happy to have him in your house...it doesnt make logical sense.....from a court/outside view.

do you see what i mean?

where as if you say "only in public place with witnesses present" it says something else entirely....

or are you waiting for an(other) incident to happen? verbal abuse to you?

or he is utterly plesant and nice when he comes?
what happens on the visits wit dd? where does he go in the house, where are you where is ds? how does he greet you? what is atmosphere between you like? are you all matey andchatty?

because you may be giving him the signal all is fine and hunkydory....

Foot - Thankyou, have thought about a family lawyer but have not visited one. I will definately think about it.

Cestlavie - The easiest thing would be to never to see my ex again. I can remove him from mine and ds1's life.
The sad fact is this abusive man is my dd's father. I cannot just live in hope that he either drops dead or goes away. As he is abusive he is likely to see my dd as his property and want it when she is more independant from me.

I believe the happiest and safest place for my dd is her home.
This is why I allow access here. Where I can supervise.
He has been warned if he ever lays a finger on her he will not set foot in my house again.

I do not believe it is in her best interest to be marched off to a grotty cafe or contact centre twice a week to facilitate him.

The proof of danger is logged with the HV and GP. In black and white.

I cannot guarantee there will not be another incident or verbal abuse.
Under the current circumstances I think it is very unlikely.
My ex's behaviour wasn't loss of control or temper. It was out of power and control - because he thought he could get away with it.

After the last incident regarding ds1 I made it clear to him he is not welcome in my house when ds1 is here. He is only allowed to visit in the mornings during term time. If ds1 is off sick - he does not come. He has not seen ds1 since the last incident in october.

Communication with him is hello and goodbye. If he makes any conversation I respond with as little info as possible. He doesn't usually bother now.
They are in the front room or dining room where her toys are. The house is open plan so i am floating about and in the kitchen.

I do not speak to him like it is hunky dory.
When he expressed wishes to get back together in Dec - I told him because he was abusive to ds1 and didn't treat him as a person that would never ever happen.
When he was an hour late for a visit in Jan - He arrived, I told him it was unfair on dd2 (although shes too small to realise) and unfair to me as her main caregiver and told him to reschedule. He accepted this and left.
Recently when he wanted to collect some of his things from our garage on a weekend I refused and he didn't understand. I made it clear because he was abusive to ds1 and couldn't be trusted around him. As ds1 was off school I made it clear we would not leave our home to facilitate him.

Sorry for the long post - I hope I have answered your questions clearly.

op just wanted to say I am [shocked] at some of the posters, do not beat yourself up about this. You were pregnant hormones and emotions all over the place. He 'hit' you at a very vulnerable time showing his true colours. You have shown alot of strength leaving. Protect your DC, move on and forgive yourself. Remember how brave you have been focus on that you have not been the worst mum. No advice re contact sorry. I would seek legal advice. And good luck for the future

Please do talk to a family lawyer...find one via your local Women's aid or the Resolution website. Check whether they do a free first consultation. Even if you only go for 30 minutes of free advice it will be time well spent. Better to find out and not need to use it than to be caught on the hop!!

Thankyou - Am definately going to seek legal advice.