If a friend was clearly in a damaging relationship but didn't talk about it...

[badtasteflump]

what would you do, if anything?

A friend of many years is married to a man who (I don't think) is physically abusive, but definitely EA. He makes no attempt to disguise his behaviour in front of house guests (ie me and others), and constantly puts her down, taunts her and disregards her. More than that, he actually seems to go out of his way to mess her around and change his plans at the last minute, etc, so he can tell her she's stupid for not keeping up.

She has clearly changed over the last few years (since marrying him). She doesn't really go out anymore apart from shopping for the family. She used to have an interest in her appearance but doesn't do anything for herself now.

I am worried about her, but don't know what to do. The problem is that she has never said anything about it, at all. A few months ago her H shouted abuse at her in front of me. I lost my temper and shouted at him that he was out of order. She stepped in and asked me to 'drop it please'. I then didn't see her for a few weeks (she avoided me) and when I finally got to see her again, she made it clear she didn't want to talk about it. He has kept out of my way since. But I feel guilty and a bit responsible that I know she's unhappy and I'm not doing anything to help.

What should I do, if anything? I don't know what the rules are in this kind of situation and it is constantly playing on my mind

Really, really difficult

I was your friend. I know people knew what was going on (some friends actually witnesses 2 physical assaults) It didn't give me the strength to leave.
I think that all you can do is tell her again that you are there if she needs to talk. I know a huge wake up point for me was when I read the Lundy Bancroft Book - (Why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men ) Perhaps if you read that, you would have some understanding of the dynamics and would be able to engineer the conversation ?

Thanks Sapphire - I will definitely look up that book.

I hope you're in a better place now, btw

If you can tell her that she doesn't have to talk to you about anything if she doesn't want to, but that you want her to know you will ALWAYS be there for her, no matter what for, whatever time of day or night... maybe that would help her - if not right now, then at some point in time.

I don't think there's much you can do unless she decides to talk to you. Just be there for her and let her know she can always talk to you. If she ever does talk about his behaviour then just state that his behaviour is wrong and tell her she doesn't deserve it.

But if she doesn't want to address it you can't make her.

I am thanks She's lucky to have a friend like you.

I would try to talk to her, make it clear you're there for her, and that you don't judge her. Talking to her without her H's knowledge is a very different thing to actually confronting him.

She may find it very difficult to talk about however, she may not be able to talk about it, yet.

I was in an abusive relationship and many of my friendships didn't survive it. I'm very grateful for the ones which did.

Thanks sapphire

I don't think she felt that way when I had the argument with her H. I think it may just have made things worse . But it is so frustrating to watch years of her life going by so miserably. I have tried to say that I will always be there to listen and help in the past but I literally get blanked and there follows a really awkward atmosphere. She had made it so clear that the subject is off limits. I don't understand why - although I know that is probably my naivety...

Alice that's what worries me too - if I'm the one who sticks her neck out and tries to do something, I think she may drop me - it nearly happened before. Very selfish thinking on my part, I know...

It may only be her denial of the situation that is allowing her to carry on.

She might be too scared to admit it to herself because that will require action of some sort on her part and because she's so downtrodden she might not believe she is capable of doing anything, or be able to cope on her own without him, that no one else would ever love her etc (and all the other things that he's brainwashed her with). And of course he might have threatened her with all sorts if she ever dared to leave him. Have they got children? He could have threatened to take them away from her.

Someone else actually saying that she needs to (or even that she is allowed to) change the situation might be very scary for her to hear.

Yes they have young children