Childcare and chores,,, should DH do more?

[liverLadyLass]

Hi
just recently I have realised how much of a push over I am, basically I visited a friend I'd been having a blether to for a while after her inviting me to her home for a cuppa which was nice because no one had really done this before.. and we got to talking about our children and how she and I did things.. And it was with talking to her that I realised how easy my kids have it and how much I'm bulldozed by them,, she was such a inspiration and gave me tips of things like eating,etc, and I have put them into place, my son is a terrible eater always has been and I see that me giving in has done more harm, that doing what I should of done and listen to myself and not other people like inlaws etc,, it's also made me look at my life to, I don't do or go anywhere, I don't go to work yet until my dd goes to school,and couldn't due to DH working full time,sometimes he works late,and I'm on my own till he comes home, and no childcare help,, I have no hobbies or friends I meet up with, or family to visit other than my two siblings who are both alcoholics so I hardly see them, I do nearly all the childcare and housework and am beginning to think how boring my life must seem,, I'm happy, I don't want for anything my children are happy n healthy and my DH is too,, but I didn't realise that everything I do, do, nothing I do is for myself, my physio had asked yesterday how I bathed the kids as to due to my back and knee problems, and I'd said I had to kneel down so I wasn't bending over to save my back and she had said not to bath them to let my DH do it, I laughed and said I had no chance and she said he'll just have to to help me, shed asked if he'd ever bathed the kids, and I'd said that only a hand full of times, if that, they are eight and three,,, she looked at me funny and asked if I was serious, this has also got me thinking to what DH does around the house, should he be doing more? Even though he works full time?

well how you divide the chores is a personal thing...and has to work, BUT just because he works full-time does not mean he does not contribute to the way the house and the children are looked after...where the lines are drawn is up to you..

for the DCs...an 8 year old can bath/shower him/herself if you teach them. If DH is in early enough I would think bathing the DC would be both appropriate and a pleasure for him and them (once they got over the shock)

to save your knees and back...if you need to wash the 3 year old...how about a shower down...child can stand, you can help with soap then rinse...no bending, no kneeling...you can always run the bath to play in before then stand DC up to wash.

It does not matter how boring your life seems to others if YOU are happy...but if you are not then take the chance to build a better one.......

Doing too much for children is an easy trap to fall into (DIY is so much quicker ) but children need to learn and to become independent, or you will be pushing a completely incapable 18/20 year old out the door, programmed for failure in their adult life.

Hi foolonthehill. Thanks for your reply,,
I think that's just it i dont think Ive never drawn the line with my DH or kids, Ivd been wondering why this was, I've always felt that because he works full time with his own business I've felt like I shouldn't be asking him to help with anything? I put the question to him about bathing the kids to see what he would say, he said to me that as long as I didn't mind bathing them at 11pm at night that he'd do it???? He said, see these people they haven't got a clue, they don't realise people work also??? to me that's a lame excuse,and a way of saying no, there are plenty of nights when he is in from work and He's been wedged out on the couch moaning at me to stop what I'm doing and chill out,and when I've said that if he'd help me I could he says that it should all of been done during the day,,

So...do you think the problem is you not drawing the line, or him not stepping up to it??

where do you want to start (you can't change the world in an hour)?
what would happen if he walked in the door and you said "hi, honey, how was your day? DC has just got into the bath, will you come up whilst I go and ...(empty laundry, cook tea, make you a whisky sour.......)?

I don't know I think that just what I'm trying to figure out,
If i were to ask him he'd moan n say that he's just came through the door and he's tired,, which then I'll finish bathing the kids, then I'll end up doing the rest, if I ask him to do the dishes he'll say ok but they'll still be there in the morning,..

Pick your moment for a family meeting. Diarise it if necessary. Sounds rather contrived and formal but I think that's how you have to tackle it if you want to be successful. If your DH is a businessman, you sell it as you would a business proposal - goal-oriented & specific. Start the meeting with a statement that you want to discuss the way work is divided up at home, how you intend to pursue some interests of your own, and take it from there. If you have some specific interests you want to take up, have those ready. Make it 'how are we going to meet these goals?' rather than 'can I do it?'... puts the ball in his court and doesn't allow him to say 'no'.

How much leisure time do you each have?

I don't get any leisure time, but he goes to a self-defence class once a week and to auctions at night time three times a week depending on sales,, (for work)
It's difficult for me to ask him for help at night time as he does work like this, I think that when he says that I should have everything done during the day he's kind of right, but there are also things you can't do during the day

when he's out at work he's at work, when you're both home, it's both of your jobs to muck in. BUT I would caution that jobs will expand to fill all time and space, so you might need to make one evening a week an evening off for both of you (?film night?) and one night a week an evening off for you (quick calculation...umm leaves 1 night for chores being done together???)

would this work?

I'll can only give it a go,
Tried to put it to him tonight,
After dinner he took the bin out for me whilst I did the dishes

Try not to get into the habit of saying things like "he put the bin out for me" it's his bin too surely? He puts his crap in it? I think if you're a SAHM then there is more opportunity for you to get chores done in the daytime - but you still have a full time job as a mother so the remaining chores should be split between you in the same way as they would if you had a job outside of the home.

Sounds like you're off to a good start though

This attitude many men seem to show (on MN at any rate) drives me insane! Presumably they "won't" pitch in with household chores and childcare as they see it as more "work" after they've been out all day. Yet it's presumably OK for their wives to do this "work" 24/7? Or is it only work when they're expected to do it, but some sort of jolly for women?

I think I'm partly to blame for just doing things without questioning it,, I was quite happy with him doing that as he used to go mad if there was a bin full when he came in,, he'd thought I'd left it for him to do when he came in?
We had a little talk but I think were needing more,,
I'd explained that there are things that should get done during the day and things that can't and I felt that he should help me with the things like dishes or entreating the kids, and I can't believe myself actually saying that! He'd said it was fine only he doesn't like being pushed into things ie, playing with the kids etc, I explained that I never push him I always ask if he could and I shouldn't need to ask! He went quite for a min,
We've other problems to,
apparently to him he does not feel secure enough in our relationship,,?
And this came about after me confronting him after him not speaking to me at the weekend,,
Wed gone out with family, to watch my nephew earn his kickboxing belt and we'd had a great night,
I was nackered after sleeping with my dd in the spare room as she had the vomiting bug,and so he could get a sleep as he was working,,
so I was quite tired, so wasn't up for partying, all night he'd said how much of a crbbit cow I was being, and I'd explained everytime I was tired, as he got more drunk I felt like I was killing the atmosphere ,I got a few drinks in me and perked up, I sat beside him all night, we decide we were going to go bk to a after party two doors down at my sisters house, again we were enjoying ourselves,
Then he turned to me and said he was away to flirt??
He'd done this b4 In new York, so I knew what was coming...
So I'd said ok love you go on and enjoy yourself,
I wasn't getting myself into it,
He walked off, ten min later he'd said that we were going home, I wasn't asked I was told, I'd said I wasn't ready to go yet, he'd said he was away as I'd not bothered with him all night??
I'd sat next to him all night?
I let him storm out, and didn't follow as I knew it would of been a massive argument . Half an hour later I'd went home he was sleeping on the couch so I cuddled in and went to sleep,
He hardly spoke to me the rest of the weekend?
So I asked him over it, his excuse was that he can't remember, but if he did he apologises, but he does not feel he gets any affection from me, ?
As we dont have sex much, I explained I show it in other ways by cuddling him, being there for him, in ways like like,
He'd said it was hard for him going months without it, and I'd said I understood that and I was sorry,
He said he doesn't feel I fancy him because of the lack of sex,
And that he's been very patient,
I agreed he'd been very patient. But not with fancying thing,?
Guilt trip feeling again! I said this puts pressure on me,
And thus is why he feels unsecure in our relationship and the reason for his behaviour when we went out,
I feel it's my fault again..
Sorry it's long,

I think you are just beginning to sort out what is going wrong for you in your relationship:

so far for you: lack of commitment to the joint work of being a family from him, lack of personal time for you, his poor communication skills and listening ability to you, his attitude that what he says goes (at least in the post above)

his problems: sex=affection and he's not getting enough , and he doesn't like being told what to do.

So, can you find a way to communicate and problem solve together? Or would this be seen as being told what to do...?

Equal leisure time is the way to go IME, anything else leads to resentment.

I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't fancy him because he's behaving like an entitled arse and sex with him probably feels like yet another chore. You're not his skivvy, and neither is it your job to service him sexually. If he bucked up and pulled his weight, maybe you'd have a bit more energy and inclination to have sex with him.

As for going off and flirting at parties - if he felt insecure in the relationship, why the hell would he be doing that? It looks like the actions of somebody who feels very secure in their nice little set up and is manipulating their partner into continuing to toe the line.

Book recommendation: Wifework by Susan Maushart

Sorry, but he sounds horrible . Is drink a big problem?

I don't know how to find a way other than just to put out and suggest things he can do to help,, it's enough for me to just being loved by him, I don't get what I need from sex, I never have,,
He gets everything, so I feel terrible I'm hurting him..
My DH and kids was always enough for me, regarding a social life etc,,
I don't know what's changed, maybe it's the thought of my youngest going to school next year and knowing I'll be stuck here on my own all day with no company until they come home, no friends, no career, (I was studying when we met and gave it up to move away to his area)
I said I feel it's not much of a life for me keeping the house all day and waiting for them to come home, he'd said it's just life sometimes
Again riddled with guilt,

We don't drink,
Unless we go out which is once every so often, not much!

DH and I are new to this seeing as DD is only 8 weeks old but we've fallen into the following routine. We employ a cleaner once a week, I do all the cooking, dog walking and childcare during the week and when DH is duty. If he's back from work early enough he'll bath and put her to bed and do the 2200 feed. At weekends he does all the childcare, the night feeds Friday and Saturday and we both walk the dogs and both cook.

His attitude is that a) looking after his child isn't a chore and b) if he doesn't look after when he can, he wouldn't be playing an active role in her life.

Sex with him: he's very giving, and passionate,,
He's said he loves sex,
And it makes it worse for him as he thinks im amazing ,,
It would be easier if I was rubbish
I wish I was normal, in that department then I suppose everything would be ok.

"then I suppose everything would be ok."
I don't think so. You have a great deal more talking to do, I think. And that doesn't mean you taking the blame for everything!

How do I keep him happy and be happy in return,, ?
I feel a bit pressured by the sex thing,
But understand his feelings too,

I've read threads on here with men leaving there wife's over it, (scares me)
Over a sexless marriage, and some have gone years,, I'm a month or two at the most,,
I feel really low today, can't be bothered,
I just want him to come home so we can talk,,
The bottom line is I was sexually abused by my step father and sex has always been nothing really to me, but I feel he's being punished in a way.. He says he doesn't know how to even come onto me anymore... And that upsets me n makes me feel terrible, he says we could be brother and sister living together!

Tell him what a turn-on you find a man doing the washing up.