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Original poster

Is this a red flag about friend's husband?

25 replies

Lottapianos · 08/03/2012 09:56

I have had reservations about friend's H from the start. He seems controlling to me and in fact, before they got married, she raised concerns along these lines herself (with me, not him). He has a grand 'life plan' involving his dream job and expects her to fall in with it, no matter what the inconvenience is to her. I've also got the feeling that he's never liked me.

We went to her birthday party recently. 2 friends and I had joined together to get her a fairly expensive pressie that she had said she would like. She opened her gifts in front of everyone so she knew that it was from us and she was thrilled with it.

Later on, her H came over to me and said it was a nice gift. I said something about how difficult she was to buy for, but I was sure he was aware of that too! His response was 'well, we'll soon beat that out of her'. Accompanied by a fist-to-palm gesture. And a stony facial expression.

I have a history of DV which I am pretty sure that my friend has shared with her H, and I'm fine with that. My DP was horrified by H's comment and thinks he may have said it to deliberately rile me. I have no idea if that's true or not. I'm aware that I have sensitivities in this area so would welcome other people's thoughts. There's nothing I can do about it, she's married this man, but I would be interested to hear what other people think of the situation. Just to add I don't have any concerns that he is actually physically violent to her, but I feel he is controlling and bad news in general.

Thanks

OP posts:
aleene · 08/03/2012 10:01

I'm not sure there is anything you can do except be there for your friend if she needs you. You will have to keep your thoughts from your friend unfortunately - no one wants to hear that their husband is disliked unless he has done something to merit this, rather than just your gut feelings. Your gut feelings may be spot on but I feel it is a wait and see situation Sad

Re his comment - maybe it is just his sense of humour?

Housewifefromheaven · 08/03/2012 10:01

You just don't like him, and it sounds like the feeling is mutual. You are sensitive because of your OWN experiences, not your friends. Unless she expressly tells you otherwise, keep your beak out!

malinkey · 08/03/2012 10:07

Seems a very odd thing to say to anyone about their wife - let alone to one of her best friends and to one he knows has been in a DV situation. So chances are he did say it on purpose because of your background.

Can't think of any possible reason why this ever would be acceptable. Tourette's maybe?

He sounds deeply unpleasant. I would guess that he is trying to distance you from his wife so that he is able to exert more control over her - so whatever you do don't let him win.

malinkey · 08/03/2012 10:09

Housewife - but it sounds like she has told the OP otherwise:

"He seems controlling to me and in fact, before they got married, she raised concerns along these lines herself"

Crocodilio · 08/03/2012 10:13

I would be very wary of someone who said something like that unless they made it very clear that it was a joke, especially if he knows your background. Given that she has expressed concerns to you before, I guess all you can do is be aware that this may be an issue in their marriage, and let her know that you'll always be there for her and support her.

Original poster
Lottapianos · 08/03/2012 10:33

I agree with others that there's not much I can do other than be there for my friend. She has made her choice, good or bad. I do worry about her though, and I worry how much worse he may get when children arrive.

malinkey, that's a very generous thought but I'm afraid he doesn't have Tourettes Smile

Housewife, I'm not planning to put my 'beak' in. As I said in my OP, I have a history of DV and emotional abuse and I have difficulty trusting my feelings and reactions to situations, especially when it's a situation that reminds me of something in my past. I wanted to hear how other people would react to this situation. Your comments are not helpful.

OP posts:
WineGoggles · 08/03/2012 10:40

If your friend was concerned that his grand life plan would become a problem in their relationship do you think she?d have married him? And when she raised the issue that he can be controlling was it a big concern to her or just a little whinge at the time?

R.E. his ?we'll soon beat that out of her? comment, it sounds like it could just be his sense of humour. It?s not humorous to you because of your history, but for example my BF and I are often coming out with iffy stuff to each other, which could be misconstrued but which we find hilarious. You are ?pretty sure? he knows about your DV, but not 100% certain? Anyway, even if he does know he may not have remembered when he made that comment so I think it?s best to give him the benefit of the doubt with that episode.

Thing is, you don?t like him, but he?s your friend?s husband and so best to keep your dislike o him under wraps. If she ever has relationship issues then you can be a shoulder to cry on, but until then leave alone.

Mumsyblouse · 08/03/2012 10:47

I can only imagine this was an attempt at an unfunny joke. You didn't find it funny because of your history, but I think it's unlikely he was trying to make a point to you or insinuate anything, especially as he came up to congratulate you on the nice gift.

You don't have to like him, nor he you, just be polite and carry on being a good friend who listens.

Proudnscary · 08/03/2012 11:52

As I always say, instincts are king (or queen!).

You instincitvely think he's bad news.

I felt this about my best friend's partner from the first time we met 20 years ago. I thought he was a twat. Now, half a lifetime later, I KNOW he is a twat. But there is no way she would have listened to me then and I wouldn't have known what to say anyway.

Just keep the lines of communnication open, listen to her, tell her she can always talk to you. Unless he clearly steps over a line I really don't know what else you can do. I sympathise.

mojitomania · 08/03/2012 12:41

I also smell a "rat" here. What a charmer not.

Don't let him stop you seeing your friend as this maybe his intentions. My friend has a partner a bit like this but I just bite my tounge and "pretend" to get along with him in order to keep my friend close.

Original poster
Lottapianos · 08/03/2012 12:49

Thank you for your replies. You're all confirming my fears! I fully agree, nothing to be done but listen to her when/if she needs to offload or more. I have experience with abusive types myself and I know they are often keen to isolate their partner - I'm determined that will not happen. She's my best mate and I love her and as long as she wants me around, I'll be there for her.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 08/03/2012 12:58

"My DP was horrified by H's comment and thinks he may have said it to deliberately rile me."

Your DP, I assume, doesn't have issues with DV in his past? If he doesn't then his thought process is unencumbered by the history you have. His reaction therefore, of shock that ANYONE would say that to ANYONE, let alone a DV survivor is significant.

You sound like a really good friend to have.

Original poster
Lottapianos · 08/03/2012 13:01

Houdini, that's a very good point. No, DP doesn't have direct experience of DV. He has also thought that my friend's H is a tosser of the highest order since day 1 and was genuinely worried about her when he heard they were getting married.

Thank you for your lovely comment Smile

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 08/03/2012 13:08

Actually contrary to Housekeeper's bizarre advice, I would be ready to stick your beak in.

People should trust their instinct more. Plus your feelings have had the added bonus of being validated by your DP. Joking about DV is always a bit dodgy but saying that without laughing/grinning/winking etc is actually quite sinister. So unless he has extremely bad social skills (which could be a red flag in itself) I would keep a slightly closer eye on your friend and be there when she needs you.

HoudiniHissy · 08/03/2012 13:10

I speak from the position of an ex DV victim. I know what you mean about my 'take' on things not being as accurate as they might be, but I am slowly learning that actually when something triggers me, it's for a very good reason.

When we have been abused, some situations for us are 'normalised', we spend so long explaining things away, accepting blame for things we have no business accepting blame for etc. For this reason I find the reactions of others to be really telling/illuminating.

Trust your instincts, trust your DP, and be there for your friend. Let's hope she sees through this bloke soon enough and gets out.

JaceyBee · 08/03/2012 13:29

"I can only imagine this was an attempt at an unfunny joke. You didn't find it funny because of your history,"

Yes, or maybe she didn't find it funny because it's not fucking funny!

Original poster
Lottapianos · 08/03/2012 13:39

Ditto here Houdini about having to re-train yourself to trust your feelings. I've spent my life being told by my parents, and then my ex-partner, that my feeling were always wrong. Through psychotherapy, I'm slowly starting to trust myself more, but often feel I need to run my feelings by other people to feel a bit more secure about them.

JaceyBee, that's a very fair and true comment Grin

OP posts:
Smellslikecatspee · 08/03/2012 15:17

Sadly some people feel that DV is funny.

But the fact that he didn't do a HA ha I'l soon beat this out of her Ha HA. Make me think danger rather than tosser.

I do feel for you as my friend is in a dodgy relationship too. Sadly she can't see any of it.
Everytime he does something crapper/ more crap she accepts it.
Like you I'm just hanging in there

PopcornMouseInBoots · 08/03/2012 15:59

I think you're really overreacting. It's just the sort of crap joke my DH would make, and he's a real softy.

HoudiniHissy · 08/03/2012 17:04

Popcorn, if it were an one-off comment, in isolation i'd possibly (but probably still not) agree with you. Sounds like it wasn't though..

If her DP had his hackles go up, then tbh, it sounds as if it was really not a case of over-reacting.

MeltedChocolate · 08/03/2012 18:02

It's none of your business. Right now. It doesn't sound like you have much to go on. A nasty comment that could have been said wrong and he only realised later that he make no expression to show it was a joke. Or it could have been a warning. Either way your job is to be there for her after everything goes wrong if it does at all.

susiedaisy · 08/03/2012 19:53

Can't see how his comment could be seen as funny, gave me the chills tbh, but then I am divorced from an exH who was abusive at times, so I am hyper sensitive to anything remotely intimidating and I think on this occasion that's what he was doing in a not very subtle way,

ImperialBlether · 08/03/2012 20:00

He sounds really awful. I would be keeping a very, very close eye on her and I wouldn't say anything about him in writing/text as I imagine he's pretty quick to find out what she's up to online.

I know this sounds really awful, but iIs there any way you two could go to a gym together regularly so that you could see that she's physically okay?

BertieBotts · 08/03/2012 20:10

I think the controlling stuff is more of a red flag, I know lots of people who would joke about this kind of thing. I find it in very poor taste but, equally, will joke about locking DS in a cupboard if he annoys me too much/feeding him a bottle of vodka to get him to sleep, neither of which I would ever dream of doing and would be horrified if someone did in real life, so I feel I can't really complain about this kind of thing. I should probably not joke about that stuff though, TBH.

Original poster
Lottapianos · 08/03/2012 20:42

Imperial, thanks for your concern but I'm absolutely certain there's nothing physically abusive going on. She doesn't live nearby but I do see her regularly and she does offload about him a bit - I try my best to listen and just give her space and not pass much comment if I can help it.

Smellslikecatpee, it's gutting isnt it? I just wish she could have met a nice bloke instead of an arse! Oh well, sometimes these things have a way of sorting themselves out lives in hope

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