DH's parents got divorced when he was about 3 and his sister was 1, his Dad had been having an affair (and a child) behind their mums back with her best friend. Their father was pretty much MIA most of their lives and as they've got older never really made any more effort, probably only seeing them a handful of times each year if that. He married the woman that he had the affair with and they now have three children. Three years ago DH & SIL's mum died, tragically and suddenly. She'd had mental health issues and she walked out of a secure facility, got lost and sadly drowned. She was truely a very wonderful person and had such a special and close relationship with DH and SIL, they really were the best of friends.
Now DH and I have 17wo DD and she has two sets of grandparents. My parents are Nana and Grandad, they see her usually about once a fortnight sometimes more and they dote on her, play with her and are such proud grandparents. It's just as it should be. So then there's DH's dad and wife, they saw DD 4 days after she was born, then radio silence. Even at Christmas nothing, apart from when DH called him but there was no card, no nothing for DD. This is until a week ago. DH went out for a drink with his Uncle and basically told him everything about how rubbish his Dad was being and his Uncle put his brother (DH's Dad) into line. DH just can't confront his dad about it, he's tried making the effort (honestly he'd call him a couple of times a week but always got voicemail/excuses/not in/I'll call you back) but confronting him is just so hard and he doesn't know how to approach it. So we met his Dad and wife last weekend and they gave DD her christmas present which she loves.
Here is the problem, before DD was born we asked everyone what they wanted to be called, my parents eagerly said Nana and Grandad. I should just add that I had just one grandmother growing up as the rest died before I was born so my parents were incredibly excited about it all. DH's dad predictably took ages deciding but then said they wanted to be called Nana and Tider (Tider is the welsh name for Grandad), we were quite taken aback as we hadn't thought she would be called anything. This is what DH's grandparents (his dad's parents) were called, so he said he wanted to stick with tradition. We didn't really know what to say so didn't say anything. As they were never really around we kind of thought it wouldn't be a problem but now that they are showing some effort (we've booked in another date to meet up) it will be an issue.
Seveal reasons this is a problem 1) DH does not really like the wife and feels that by giving her a name it's going against his mum's memory. We have decided to give his mum a name (Granny) as she flipping deserved it, she would have been a wonderful Granny. 2) My mum is called Nana and we don't want two Nana's, we wanted everyone to have their own name but also want to keep it simple for DD. When we were there last weekend DH's Nana (just to confuse you!) said to DD "go on go to Nana", now at her age she won't know but one day she will.
The bottom line is that we don't want her to be called Nana but don't know how to tell them. Maybe we're being selfish, I don't know, but it doesn't feel like it. We do care how they feel, obviously I wouldn't be posting this otherwise. I've talked to a few people who have step parents and children and it seems that the norm is to call them by a grandparent type name followed by their real name so we were thinking of Nanny Julie as a compromise.
Do you think this is a good compromise? Are we being too horrible? Any ideas on how to tell them?