How can I stop myself caring too much??

[myheadsamarley]

I am so confused and bewildered. ok here goes:

DH and I married 8 yrs.... 3 dc's (we're together 1 yr when got pg with first. then amrried when DC1 was 1). To outsiders he is jovial, life and soul, entertaining, successful in his chosen career. I've always given him a long leash.. he can see his mates whenever money permitting, has a significant hobby outside the home which doesnt really cost anything. He is super helpful at home wiht kids etc (altho not until after DC2; i almost had a breakdown due to trying to do it all myself. Had to give up work etc..)

On an emotional and partner level i dont feel he is good for me but I worry i have made him so......

1. we have rowed on and off for 8 yrs over problems with intimacy (he rejected me and then told me it was becuase i had let myself go. he told me late last year that the rejection was actually because he resented me for getting pregnant and taking his single life away [shocked] (have let self go by the way)

1. I know i am high maintenance (bit of a perfectionist but have tamed my behaviour significantly to meet him half way or at least I thought I had) and i've been told i have unreasonable expectations of marriage (my parents). This is mainly due to the fact he and i find it almost impossible to communicate in straighforeward manner. I am quite literal and so I ask a question and hope i get a straight answer. I can get flustered and upset easily - am undergoing counselling again for the 5th time in 5 yrs. (Gen Anx Dis and Depression)

1. He stonewalls regularly if we're arguing. Just doesnt bother responding. Almost as though my objections/concerns/worries aren't worth commenting on. Knows it annoys me and like a fool I keep rising to it.

seriously How do i alter my perceptions/focus so that these things dont trouble me? After all I'm only hurting because i have chosen to be hurt - I can never figure out how to 'not care or care less'

Really worried that i am dragging him down and I want to try and change. .this is from the heart - i am almost at my wits end.
Thank you for reading and hope you can help.

Your question is: "why do these things upset me, and how do I stop being upset?"

Well, my view is that these things he does upset you because they are upsetting, and you have every right to be upset.

And no, you shouldn't be trying to quash that inner voice that is telling you that something is wrong here.

Firstly, no one twisted his arm and forced him to marry you, so he made his own bed there - at taking his single life away.

You have your expectations of marriage and it sounds like they are not being met.

Start to focus on what you need first; there are plenty of 'high maintenance' women out there getting what they need.

"How do i alter my perceptions/focus so that these things dont trouble me?"
But they are all troubling.
1 He is being very unreasonable, unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to father your child and marry you. You sound painfully anxious to please him?and yet he blames you for all his problems?
2 It sounds as if your parents also groomed you to think you are a/the problem... and you married someone who treats you like they did.
In fact he/they are the problem.
I'm not surprised you need counselling with nearest and dearest like these.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking a straight question and expecting a straight answer. That's how reasonable, well-meaning people conduct conversations.
3 Stonewalling is one of the symptoms of an abusive relationship.

Getting rid of DH would stop all these things troubling you. He's dragging you down, not the other way round.

thank you all ... :) it's hard to get perspective when your mind is whirling and you feel in such turmoil....
my parents were strict and prob emotionally quite distant - it's something i am tring to work through....
Hubby is just so frustrating... I feel often like I am being punished for not kicking him to the kerb when we were first together... he used to say he would 'ahem' withdraw coz he didnt liek condoms.. .And I let him - despite the fact he didnt bother withdrawing and would just say 'sorry' Was that low self esteem or sthg else... I wonder sometimes.

Stiletto - I believe he has a prob with taking responsibility.... will always blame sthg else as the cause of his mistake/oversight. EG; 'i didn't throw those pillows" (when I know he did because I saw him do it) cue back and forth q & a session with him finally admitting he did and saying " I thought you meant something else "

I worry I am being too 'lawyer-ish' (apologies to all legal people!) in my conversations/interactions with him...

Buggery..... I have said i am not happy for years and years now and not much has changed. Not good is it?

No. No-one could accuse you of not trying your best. Maybe it's time to admit defeat and run for the hills?

Ah, the old 'its not my fault' trick.

My H once broke a glass whilst I was in another room and told me it was my fault for placing it on the side.

I have said i am not happy for years and years now and not much has changed. Not good is it?

Change will happen if you leave. Not likely to be him changing, but you will be much happier once you start taking control of your own life.

I'm willing to bet the farm that your anxiety and depression are due to the controlling, neglectful and contemptuous people in your life, and what they have told you about you (whether directly and indirectly). Your parents when you were a child, and now your husband, are dragging you down. Get rid of them, and the lovely person you are meant to be will have space to grown and thrive.

You're anxious to please, because your parents had high expectations of you, I bet. Also, your default is set at "this is my fault".

If you're upset - regardless of whether you should be or not - you're upset. You have a right to be upset! The reason you're upset is irrelevant - the outcome is what needs addressing - that you're upset!!

I think you lack self confidence, and seek to blame yourself too much.

My ex once told me "your problem, Saffysmum, is that you care too much". He always made out that my needs were unrealistic, that I over-reacted, that I was too emotional. I straight away believed him, and blamed myself.

Now, I realise that he was the problem not me: he was cold, indifferen, selfish and very, very self absorbed and controlling - so he minimised my needs, so he could focus on his own.

He's now my Ex. And I'm much, much happier.......

thanks for all your replies... had to do some thinking there for a few days.. i was quite gobsmacked by the replies and found them a little unsettling (as they conflicted with my view of things)
had a huge heart to heart on fri night as we ate our dinner.... i cried for at least an hour and a half... thought we might have been able to work things through..
Now I realise I am not sure i want to. i have had enough of feeling 5th best in my family.... Frankly i dont think i can put up with this for much longer. I NEED to feel better and stop putting my feelings down. Thank you ladies. Who knows how this will pan out but i heart is full of hope for the future xx