feeling sad, angry and alone and I should be bloody over it!

[sillymillyb]

Im sorry for this long, rambly post. My head is a hormonal mess and Im not doing very well tonight. Should probably name change but just can't be arsed.

My ex and I were together several years until Jan last year when I came home to an empty house after he had moved all his things out without warning (no fights leading up to this) The shock was horrific, I honestly thought we had been burgled. I couldn't understand what the hell had happened from a few hours earlier when we had been cuddling in bed.

It turned out he had been using prostitutes and having several affairs with work colleagues. He is a police officer and following an investigation, it was decided he would keep his job - at which point he moved in with one of the colleagues he had been having an affair with.

Im struggling on many levels, the first I suspect is that I was happy, before he left. Its hard reconciling what must of been going on with the kind, caring man who I truly loved, thought I would spend my life with, and was trying for a baby with. I suspect I still love him, which I frigging hate - because I should have more sodding self respect and I don't know how to generate that.

I also feel like I've been a real cow since we separated - I told his work colleagues everything about him using prostitutes (his superiors were already aware but keeping it quiet) and I appealed to the IPCC when they decided he could keep his job. The press contacted me (a mutual friend is a journalist) and I told them everything - although they later decided not to publish anything for various reasons. I never thought I would lash out like this, it makes me feel like such a small, nasty person to have tried to hurt him - and yet I still have those feelings or wanting to make him suffer like I have. I just hate feeling that way.

When we separated I had a really stupid rebound fling and became pregnant, and I am due to give birth imminently. I have no contact with the babies father. I know I must be hormonal, but I am missing my ex so much, we were trying for a baby - and despite my protestations that Im fine and coping and happy, it feels like he is missing from my side and this wasn't the way it was meant to be.

If you have got this far then well done and thankyou, any advice on how to move on and stop being this sad, bitter person? I have so much else to focus on, its been over a year now, I need to get over this. I just don't know how to begin. Arrrghhhhh, stupid, stupid men and my stupid hormonal self :(

Just that I am not surprised you are hormonal if you are about to give birth! You're doing a great job going through this alone, and maybe you are still in shock about what happened with your ex. That is one hell of a shock to receive, just coming home to an empty house. You shouldn't feel bad, whatsoever, for doing all the things that you did to him. What he did was despicable and he pulled your whole life from under your feet in the coldest way possible. Maybe you still need time to deal with it - I am sure that is the case as opposed to genuinely loving him and wanting him there. I can appreciate how much you must want a loving partner at this moment in time, but you will meet someone amazing in the future who ticks all these boxes - your ex is no way near worthy of you. Also, thank GOD you two didnt have a baby together!- a prostitute using cheater is about the worst role model your baby could have! Whilst the dad might not be there for the baby plenty of single parents have raised amazing children and given them all the love that they need.

Good luck for the birth - you will do an amazing job raising this little baby I am sure of it.

Oh, love. There is no prescribed time on being "over it". Cut yourself some slack - your actions are all understandable:

• grief, anger: these last a long time in a situation like yours where your trust was so horribly betrayed. It's ok to feel that way. It's only by feeling the grief and anger that you can process it and, in time, let it go.

• telling people the truth: well, it's the truth, isn't it? His secret is not yours to keep. You did not owe him silence. Forgive yourself for that.

• Rebound sex: again, totally understandable.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Would you consider counseling to help you with all this emotional stuff which is eating you up at the moment?

The first part of your story happened to me. I came home to find my husband had left. I never saw him to talk to again. Ever. (He ran off with someone from work), in fact bought a house and calmly waited for the completion day to move in. I too thought we were happy. All I wanted to do though was move on, never look back. You have to let go. You have to find a way of realising that you have had a lucky escape, this could have gone on for many more years, and now he is someone elses problem, and you should be thanking your lucky stars. Just remember what he did to you, that should counter any love feelings, the guy doesn't deserve you. Enjoy your baby. Let go, and just be. Good Luck.

Oh bloody hell, Im crying again - thank you for your replies and being understanding!

In answer to your posts (in no order cos my brain is broken!) I did start having counselling but because I can talk rationally about this, I think she thought I was ok... and at times, I really am ok.... Im aware on paper that I massively dodged a bullet, its just in practice that its harder to remember that - especially when things on a face value were so good between us.

henrysmama thank you for saying that about me raising this baby. I really am so looking forward to being a mum, and to having this gorgeous baby in my life. I think I just wanted this scenario so much with him, and we talked about it so much, that its hard not comparing what I have now with what could have been (but without the lying, cheating and spending our money on prostitutes I guess!)

Im sorry this happened to you too rightchoice I really want to let go, I want to not feel this way. I try not to think about him, but a lot of the time what happened just goes around and around my head. I go over conversations replaying them and wishing I had acted differently. Its stupid, as I don't think I had much control over stopping him doing what he did.

Also, hotdamn thank you for breaking it down for me. I think I just hate being the person I am that acted and feels this way. I hoped I would have the dignity to just walk away and keep a silent veneer on things. Its made me query the sort of person I am, if that makes sense?

T'is all a bloody mess. I wish there was a memory wiping machine kicking about!

You are so lucky to be having a baby soon. I absolutely loved being pregnant and it's so exciting having a new born baby in the house. There are so many new experiences you'll have - believe me, pretty soon you will have forgotten all about this loser.

Do you have RL support? Where's the baby's father in all of this? Do you have any contact now? How about your family?

Just wanted to say, you are so lucky this didn't happen after you had a baby with your ex. There is no feeling quite like the feeling of suffocation you experience when you realise you've had children with someone who lets you down. It's absolutely dreadful.

When is your baby due? Who will be with you for the birth?

You will get there in time. It took me time. The secret was in letting go. By the way since then my ex h has had another two wives!!

You have had one hell of a time, but take strength in some of the threads on here. Try to ration how much time you think of the past. In time hopefully your baby will fill your heart and you will truly see you and yours deserve the very best, not a veneer. Be happy.

Thanks imperial - I am lucky, I have always wanted children and so whilst this might not be the situation I envisioned, the end result is still a blessing (will keep repeating this to myself!)

I've become quite isolated I think in RL, my old job involved a lot of travelling, living in hotels and socialising - and I've really just wanted to hibernate and keep my head down. My best friend and my mum have been incredible though, and are going to be my birthing partners (Im 37+6)

The babies dad was really not my finest moment and is deciding whether or not to be involved - we haven't had contact in months, after a period of him threatening me, turning up at door / at my work etc.

You know when you look back on a time period and it resembles a Jeremy Kyle show and you just don't know how you got in that situation? Thats how Im feeling I guess. I just don't know how my happy, stable life got turned into this. And I am lucky. My baby is a huge, wonderful blessing - and I know in reality I wouldn't want my ex anywhere near him to influence him, but sometimes I just wish I didn't know what I did and I could turn back the clock.

How shit. My partner is a police officer and I suspect he has other things going on although he swears blind there is not. He takes money from my accound when he thinks I won't check and pays very little towards home funds (although he does pay half of the bills not including food drinks meals or even his own petrol) he is always broke and has no decent excuses for where his money goes....it's shit! Call themselves police officers. I know they aren't all like this but it's a sad state of society....good luck

rightchoice I think we have both had a lucky escape - it is the ultimate cowardly act really to just do a runner. Have you had a relationship since? Is it hard to trust again? And thank you, I really do want to be happy. I have moments when my baby is kicking and I think about him that I truly am - they are just sadly coupled with all these doubts that remind me I still have a mountain to climb to get over my ex. Its frustrating, I want to fast forward my feelings!

Rowood im sorry you are having doubts about your partner, I think coppers do have a bad reputation - I know some of the stories my ex used to tell about his colleagues were hair raising. I hope it all works out for you and you can be happy too.

Thank you. Feeding my baby right now at two weeks old makes me stronger and I realise I am better off without him. He has not contributed to her being here emotionally physically or financially ( apart from two dresses and a coat) he steals and lies and takes the piss out of me. I am a step mother to his two beautiful kids and feel sad that this will not carry on but I need to think of my kids. Be strong and when your baby arrives you will not believe how impowered you feel. My beautiful daughter and my other two children are a reason to move on and be happy with or without someone else. The heartache is all worth it when you look at their faces. Think of the good that has come out of your relationship- the baby. I know my baby is so beautiful and deserves more. Hope it all works out- oh and steer clear of coppers x

silly take heart, you won't feel like this forever. It's an emotional time anyway, and you have a lot in store. Try not to stress, think of the great things you will be able to do with your baby and how much love you will enjoy.

Hope you have family and friends in RL who will be on hand to help you through.

Soon you'll be thanking your lucky stars because if it hadn't ended, you would never have met your little one.

Rowood your last post illustrates beautifully how children give you strength and courage - OP take note!

Hope things work out for you too.

If the baby's dad has threatened you this early on, I wouldn't have anything more to do with him.

I totally get that 'I should be over it by now' feeling. I had a similar experience (but very different circumstances) just over a year ago...a relationship that I thought was for the long haul came to a very sudden and very painful end with no warning. I say to myself daily that 'I should be over it by now' but in truth, there are good days and bad days and it's just baby steps (no pun intended).
I empathise with the influence of hormones as I find myself missing my ex more when I'm pre-menstrual and emotional. I'm sure once your baby comes you'll have a whole new love affair to concentrate on.
Good luck and stay strong :)

rowood congratulations on your baby! You sound like you know what you need to do and that you deserve better, I really am sending you lots of strong brave thoughts to get you through this next period of time. I also hope that when I see my baby, this is all in perspective for me. Or atleast sleep deprivation will make me unable to remember much about him and what he did! ps. and deffo staying away from coppers from now on... it takes all my energy not to give panda cars the finger as I drive around and pass them! hehe!

Olgaga thank you, thats actually a really helpful way of looking at it - if my ex hadn't acted the way he had then I wouldn't have my baby on the way. I know there would be no choice between the two of them, and that puts a more positive slant on things.

imperial yes.... the babies dad is a whole other issue really. He has shown his true colours, and I am torn between feeling like my baby should have the best chance to know his father, and yet on the other hand my every instinct wants him no where near my precious child. I have decided somewhat that the ball is in his court, I am not going to contact him but if he requests to be involved I will let him be - but supervised. I strongly suspect he won't though, or won't keep it up, and am hoping he hangs himself with his own rope if you see what I mean? I know if I block contact he will fight me every step of the way to spite me, so am trying to not make a big deal out of it. Ideally I'd like him to be a good father, even though we aren't together, but I suspect I have as much hope of that happening as hell freezing over.

And I think the above just about sums up why its better to be single! How did I have such crappy taste in men?!

Thanks alwayshappy. It's silly because I read your account and I think, you shouldn't have to be over it - there is no time period and you drag yourself through some days and sail through others. So if I can say that about you, why can't I be kind enough to think that about myself? It's so bloody hard some times. I really hope you are starting to see more good than bad days (and a lot less hormonal crappy days!)

I also hope that I fall in love so completely with my baby that you are right, I won't have the head space for my ex.

Thank you for everyone's luck and good wishes as well, I've finished this evening feeling so much more positive than I started it.... and with only a few sobbing bouts in between. Im pretty certain this is progress!

on the other hand my every instinct wants him no where near my precious child

Listen to your instincts OP, they usually serve you very well - if you tune in to them.

Be prepared for a possible dip a few days after the baby is born as your milk comes in. That can be a very hormonal time anyway but I think if you're on your own the feelings you cope with most of the time can get on top of you.

There does still seem to be a real issue in the police of a macho kind of culture, or at least one that doesn't readily respect women. Your ex sounds a lovely catch for the colleague - cheating, prostitutes.... I almost feel sorry for her.

Hey,
I haven't read any of the other advice yet so sorry if I repeat anything.
I used a sperm donor to have my baby but we ended up in a relationship (long story and did not end well). I had been engaged before and although had happy times they weren't the right person to stay in my life. I can only say some cliche sounding advice that I believe; everything happens for a reason.

I had the same issues when I was pg. My mum died years ago and I only had friends and my dad (who I don't see much) for support. Sometimes it made me very sad to think that no one really cared as much for my baby as I did and it is scary feeling so solely responsible. It probably sounds mad as I actually deliberately chose to go via a donor, but although you don't explain your situation, I imagine you feel relatively similar if you have no contact with the father?

All I can say is when your baby is here those worries do dissolve. Obviously you will have the normal worries any parent has (reflux/weight gain/money etc etc) but the ones where you wonder how it would have been do slowly become a distant memory. You will soon see that you are all your baby needs and wants (which in itself can be tiring, so make sure you get time out!) and as the hormones fade away any questions about this man being in your life will also go.

My DD is 7MO and until 2 months ago I thought I was still emotional over her father aka Fucktard but now I'm weaning and feel increasingly confident with my baby, he really doesn't matter.

Of course, there will be questions from her in the future, and I'm sure you are aware of that and know what you will say, but that is in the future and there is time to work that out on the way.

Good luck with it all, and sorry for the rambled response. You struck a chord with me so thought I should share my experiences and hope it helps.