how do i get MY confidence back

[woahthere]

My boyfriend who I loved very dearly and have been with for 9 years had an affair. I have read a lot of messages from him to her and back and the general gist of it all is that he finds her extremely attractive, interesting, easy to talk to, the only thing that makes him happy...
Putting aside everything that he has done to betray my trust, he has absolutely promised me that it was a stupid affair, it wasn't as it seemed as most of it was written down rather than acted out and I know a lot of people on here wil think me stupid but I have decided that we should try...I have thrown everything at him in terms of insults and given him every opportunity to just leave but he insists he does not want her. If I am to properly give our relationship a chance then I need to move on from what has been said but even though it is pathetic on my behalf, i cant stop feeling completely inadequate. He said some really beautiful things to her...the kind of things I would have completely melted to hear, and now it makes me feel like he might still want her. Even though I know he is in the wrong I keep questioning how I look, my weight, whether I am interesting or not..to the point where I feel like I dont want to talk in case I say something stupid. The other day we were having a frank discussion about having more children, we already have 1 together and I have 2 from a previous relationship. As part of a 'being more honest and open' thing I admitted to him that part of me would really like another child but that I wasnt sure why ...his response to this was 'well i suppose its the one thing you know youre really good at' i was a bit taken aback and said 'well i hope its not the one thing'...he said 'no of course not' i said in a jokey manner 'well name me one another then' and he literally could not think of one thing!!! im doing my own head in, i feel ugly, am justifying having a tummy tuck to myself, and i know that what it all boils down to is that i want him to want me. how to move on from all the horrible truth...hmmm.

The horrible truth is that your boyfriend is a lying, deceiful, self-absorbed twunt who doesn't deserve you.

Until you recognise that fact no amount of nip/tuck is going to improve your self-esteem or your self-confidence.

If you want to lose weight, divest yourself of 11stone or whatever he weighs of excess flesh and regain your self-respect overnight.

I sincerely hope that you are not considering having an elastoplast baby to hold your relationship with this man together

Hmmm whoathere .......... while I'm not 100% with izzy on this, I do think that having a baby might not be the thing here.

But despair ye not....

How old are you? You already have 3 kids right? Why not 'not' have a 4th, the thing you are apparently so good at, and maybe get a job again (if you don't have one already..) Maybe do something that is all about YOU, as a woman in her own right, not as a mother to someone else, or a wife, or a cheated upon person.

I think, up his matey, two fingers for ya; meanwhile, turn your back on him for a sec and look in the mirror and take it from there.

You must be mad to consider having another child with this guy especially when he is so volatile in the relationship. I dont see how he can stay loyal to you to be honest. Once they start cheating they continue doing so.

please dont mistake me, i dont want to have a baby with him now, we were being honest about things, and it was one of the things that id never had the pluck to talk to him about before. I am 100% not going to get pregnant. Its just that one of the problems with our relationship has always been that I would like to be able to talk about things in a 'wondering' kind of way, without it meaning that it has to happen, id just like to have freedom to speak without worrying. I do have a job, I work full time, I am a childminder so I work very hard and am quite business savvy, before being a childminder I had another very good job. I could easily be financially dependant if i had to and I prefer living on my own, but I do love him and it would break my heart to not give it another go as he wants to. If I were my friend, Id be telling me to get a grip and saying wonderful things to me, but I cant help it, I feel really low.

Well if he wants you, he should be bending over backwards to make amends, not this half hearted 'you're only good for one thing' crap.

You deserve someone who will say things to you that make you melt, rather than go out of their way to make you feel inadequate.

i couldnt believe it when he said it, i really couldnt, i think he should be bending over backwards to make me feel good too and Ive told him thats something he needs to do, so now I dont know if he doesnt want to start to do it in case it looks forced if you know what i mean. its all so awkward now, and broken, and it keeps getting me mad because i dont know if it can ever be what it was...and then i find myself asking myself if it was as good as i thought it was! confused.com!

I haven't read it, but have seen recommended on here a book by Shirley Glass (called something like not just friends) about moving on after infidelity. Might be worth reading but I think the gist is the betrayer needs to put in a hell of a lot of work to get the betrayee to ever be able to trust them again.

I don't think you can just go back to how things were before this happened/you found out because your trust has been broken - by him. If you are going to be able to move on it's going to take some doing on his part - you mustn't feel you need to change your appearance or whatever - it's his problem to fix not yours. And if he doesn't want to put in the work then he shouldn't get the prize (that's you by the way!).

one of the major problems i have as well with trust is that they work in the same building...can you imagine! everyday i have to worry about them seeing each other! Ive told him to get a new job, but I think he thinks Im nuts! (it is a good well paid job and he obvs cant just jack it in but he could start looking for a new job i think) they also go to the same gym

So what is he actually doing to help you to trust him?

i dont know. what do you think he should be doing?

Either he's still carrying on with her or she got fed up with him and gave him the order of the boot.

How did you come to discover his affair?

Well, personally I'd tell him to fuck off

That's why I think that book might be helpful for you to read. I think the stance is that he should feel like he's lost you or going to lose you because of his actions and the only way he can hope to redeem himself is to shape up and act like a decent human being and work out why he felt the need to cheat to ensure he doesn't do it again. And he should be bending over backwards begging you for forgiveness and doing anything in his power to help you to trust him again. i.e. not going to the same gym as the OW. At the very least he should have moved to another gym.

He should give you full access to his email, mobile phone, text messages etc and should be open and honest about everything.

If he's acting like you should just be so over it already, but has done nothing to make you feel like that, then he doesn't deserve you. And what's to stop him doing exactly the same thing again?

I've read also that people don't usually cheat because there is something lacking in their relationship, it's because they aren't putting enough into the relationship in the first place. If he's not able to make up for that and do it now then why would you want him?

he seems awfully half-hearted about your relationship OP.

he should be on his hands and knees in a hair shirt, weeping and wailing, licking your boots, buying you flowers, sitting up at night worrying that you might not want to try again, letting you look at his phone all the time, giving you his FB passwords, looking for another job, telling you how lovely you are, telling you he was so stupid, begging for another chance, telling you you're perfect as you are it was all his fault, etc. etc.

instead he's just making snide remarks about how you're only good for having children!

are you sure you want to try again? seems it would really be a waste of time... i agree it sounds like SHE gave him the boot (or you found out and he "had to" give her up) and he'd actually have preferred to continue with her...

i discovered their affair because he left his facebook logged in, i opened up the page to see a message from her to him, it went from there with me tackling him about it, and then it took a lot of detective work on my part he does let me look at his emails, but because i kept asking to look at them he got mad and said he couldnt understand why i still needed to look at them and that if we were going to move on then i should trust him. You do start to feel a bit stupid asking to look at these things all the time, and its a horrible way to live life. he still wont let me have his passwords to things though.

^ if that's his attitude, he isn't even slightly worried about you leaving, he feels you're under his thumb and he can do as he pleases.

you really shouldn't be wasting your time here OP. he doesn't give a shit. sorry to be so blunt.

also if this is his attitude, i can guarantee you he's just waiting for you to "calm down" and stop hassling him, and then he'll go straight out and do it again. if he's not still cheating right now, just quietly and by using means that you can't access.

he hasn't given you his passwords? he actually asked you why you need to look at his emails???? telling you to "move on" etc? jaysus he clearly feels 100% entitled to having his cake and eating it too

Sorry, honey, but unless the ow realised that she'd got a prize twunt on her hands and ditched him, I doubt that their affair is over.

It could be she's married/living with a partner and they're biding their time until she's extricated herself.

Whatever the truth of the matter, he taking you for a mug ride and you're rolling over for him.

Sorry, sounds like he probably is still seeing her.

Why on earth should you trust him? He's broken your trust and given you no reason to build up any trust again.

He's treating you with a total lack of respect and in answer to your first question, the best way to get your confidence back would be to tell him to sling his hook. Then at least you'll have your self-respect. And you never know, once he knows he's lost you he might actually realise what a selfish fucker he's been and actually start being sorry.

he's not still seeing her. does anyone have any other help. has anyone had this kind of thing happen and theyve bounced back.

his response to this was 'well i suppose its the one thing you know youre really good at' i was a bit taken aback and said 'well i hope its not the one thing'...he said 'no of course not' i said in a jokey manner 'well name me one another then' and he literally could not think of one thing!!!

This man does not like you.

You do not like you.

That's one thing you have in common.

Your remaining with this selfish, contemptuous person, and worrying about ways to win his affections by altering yourself physically, are but a symptom of your own self-hatred, OP.

If you had higher self-esteem, you would dump the tosser.

Dump him first, and your self-esteem might have space to grow back.

woahthere i don't think anyone has bounced back from an affair when the man involved has made no effort to boost his partner's confidence and help her feel secure, no.

i think when a man is that uninterested and even contemptuous of his partner after an affair, then things can't really get better.

it takes a LOT on the part of the cheater in effort, in time, in giving up privacy, in apologies, in really putting himself out for a relationship to recover from something like this. And your partner sounds totally not bothered to do any of those things.

not sure there is much hope here tbh. unless you're happy to feel shitty and accept that he's not that interested in you? if you can accept that, then i guess you can "bounce back" insofar as you can keep sharing a home. provided you ask no questions and don't expect long-term happiness or faithfulness.

In the 9 years that you've been with him, what has done to show you that he loves you and how often has he told you he loves you?

Has he whisked you away for romantic weekends/holidays, surprised you with small and large gifts 'just because', showered you with jewellery and other tokens of significant affection, proposed marriage on bended knee?

Does he tell you that you're the best thing that ever happened to him, that he can't imagine life without you, that he's happy whenever he's with you, that he's proud to have you on his arm when you're out and about together, frequently compliments on you on your appearance, clothes, talents, and abilities, takes a genuine interest in how your day has been?

Is he a hands-on dad, does he pull his weight with household chores, makes sure that you get a lie-in and a break from the dc at weekends and whenever you need time for yourself?

i'll answer izzyizin question first
he tells me loves me often, always before we go to sleep and when he goes to work. He has taken me away for romantic weekends, yes, we have been on family holidays together and earlier on in the relationship we have been away alone together, he often buys me flowers or gives the kids flowers to give to me...no jewellery no, he never proposed...

he doesnt tell me any of those things, very occasionally he'll say i look nice, but not enough and he knows this...he has issues with talking about stuff.
He is ana amazing dad and very hands on, he pulls his weight with the chores, we take it in turns to have lie ins and is always happy to have the children for me to have a break. We have never been the kind of couple to argue, out of the 2 of us I am the more feisty, over the years I have had to rein it in because he is just not like that at all, he can be quite introverted. This is why it was such a big shock that he had an affair, he doesnt seem quite sure why he did it himself. We had a good sex life and like I say he is a very calm, kind man. I had been a little down lately due to health reasons, but we still made an effort with each other. I know he was a little unhappy too, not with me, but just generally with life, stress, work. He has been being loving towards me since it all came to light, and hes been with me a lot so I know he cant have been with her. He does seem to be trying, I can only hope the comment about it being the one thing I was good at was misconstrued. Quite shocked at the strength of peoples words...not really making me feel much better to be honest!

However much he thinks he is bending over backwards to rebuild your relationship, the truth is that he is barely scratching the surface.

You said that "he has issues with talking about stuff" (telling you you look nice etc), yet you also said that "He said some really beautiful things to her...the kind of things I would have completely melted to hear", so really his issues are not that great, are they?

He should be looking for work away from her, he should have changed his routine /gymn etc to avoid her - to make you feel more secure - and he should have done it willingly and without prompting.

He is not an amazing dad - how can he be when he has so royally and casually screwed his family.

You are worth a lot more than this.