Am I foolish to even consider having XP live next-door?

[ThymeTimesThree]

We separated nearly five years ago. It was awful at the time, with a lot of hurt, hostility, etc. But we've all moved on, and there's been enough water under the bridge now for XP and I to be able to muddle along pretty well, most of the time, for DS's sake.

We took DS on holiday together, so he could have us both around at the same time. We have been on days out - including with my new partner and his kids, all of whom rub along fine with XP. So it's about as friendly and cooperative as it can be, in the circumstances.

Even though XP doesn't live too far away, DS struggles with the mutual exclusivity of being with his parents - if he's with one, he's generally not with the other. He's always missing one of us, and five years on, this is still making for difficult separations and upset bedtimes on a regular basis (DS is eight).

XP is selling up and planning to move in with family for a bit before down-sizing in due course. DS and I (and my new partner) live in our old family home, which we bought originally with a view to developing it.

With XP planning to move anyway, and with DS struggling to be apart from either one of us, I've been wondering about converting the house into two separate homes, so XP could live next-door.

Finances could be complicated: we are both still named on the mortgage, and we'd need to ensure my equity in the property (all of it is/would be mine) would be secure, since I'd be paying for the remodelling out of my own money - which in itself would also increase the property's/properties' value.

I've chatted this idea through with my brother, who thinks I'm mad to be considering this, for many reasons. And he is quite possibly right - his reasons make sense.

But I can't seem to shake the idea off. It would be a way (the only way?) for DS to have an easier time dealing with our separation moving forwards, and for XP to have a more affordable housing option, and for us both to continue to benefit from a single (good) mortgage, rather than be constrained by what we can borrow independently.

What do others think? Could it possibly work? If so, what (probably many) agreements/safeguards would need to be in place? Or have I simply lost the plot to even be contemplating this?!

Thanks.

it depends on what the reasons are as to why it would be a bad idea

also it may affect discipline. i.e if you tell ds off and he dosnt like it he can litrelly just walk away and go next door to his dads house

OMG -I agree with your brother and I can't believe your new partner would agree to this either

your son would still have to say goodbye to one parent unless the properties are interconnected
what if he decides that he prefers one bedroom to the other and doesn't want to sleep over in the other parents house?
what about when he is a teen and is playing one of you off against each other?
you may rub along nicely at the moment but when you are on top of each other??
what about when he gets a new partner? -it would put me off someone if they were living in this arangement with their ex

your son wouldn't understand boundaries at all - he'd be in and out of the houses and expecting you/his dad to be able to do the same. he'd still not get that you weren't 'together' in the same living room or that he was having two bedrooms with just a wall in between them.

that's some of the downsides i can see.

OP, I can imagine myself thinking like you are: everything could be so convenient. But, stop. It will go wrong. It will. It will and it could be a second break-up for your son all over again.

I agree with your brother, and LemonDifficult makes a good point

I have a relative who lived with his new wife with their DC, plus her DC from first marriage. Her XP lived next door.
Seemed to suit them all very well.

Sounds mad to me, and I can see your son playing one of you against the other to suit him as he gets older.
You are divorced, finances will be harder. Almost living together isn't the answer. if you got on that well you'd still be together.

I also think that if after 5 years of divorce he is still getting upset at bedtimes then all this pretend harmony isn't working. He needs to know x nights he is with mummy and x nights with daddy and I wonder if the bedtime fuss is attention seeking/ bedtime delaying tactics with divorce used as an excuse.

I can see why you've thought of this but I think you need to separate the issues:

1. your ds is upset about the divorce, your new relationship and so on and that will just take time and is normal. you can't do much about it other than being there for him because living next door to dad is not the same as you being married, so I'd rule this out as a reason tbh - you already have an amicable relationship with xp

1. you want to remodel your house to make money which you are free to do (presumably) irrespective of xp so that shouldn't really come into it. You could get someone else to move in.

1. are you worried about xp moving and where he's going to live? maybe ask him what his longer term plans are to ensure you live near one another?

1. another option could be for you to sell up and move somewhere relatively near to xp if that's what you want, say a few streets away for convenience (assuming xp agrees to this)

So FWIW I would weigh up all the potential options more thoroughly