Make up or make him suffer?

[shimmy21]

I want revenge!!
In brief - last night dh behaved like a big fat sh*t to me. He was aggressive (verbally), woke up the kids with his shouting and was basically just nasty to me. I know the reason - stress at his work but I don't accept that I should be treated like that even if he is stressed. We slept separately and he texted me 'sorry' at work today. Now he's on his way home. Do I forgive him after a long talk about what is not acceptable etc? (in which case I'm saying it's ok you can behave like that to me whenever you want and I'll be fine) or do I make him stew? It keeps happening and every time he promises it will be different and every time he gets stressed he does it again. How do I make this time the last? Please don't tell me to dump him. It hasn't got to that. I just want him to 'get it'.

tell him you want him to see GP or counsellor due to how his stress-induced aggressive behaviour is impacting on you as a family?

funnily he promised to do the anger management counselling thing last time this happened a few months ago. I'm still waiting for it to happen and actually know that wild horses wouldn't drag him to a counsellor. he'll just say what needs to be said to smooth the waters and then forget.

My dad used to behave this way. Drove us as a family to fear him and dread him coming home as we had a great time when he was not there.
You need him to, as you say, "get it" before you forgive him and not just make the right noises either, he has to really understand what is and is not acceptable and promise to keep a lid on his anger or at least find a coping mechinism since it is obviously a factor in his daily life.

Good luck.

Sometimes men are more agressive when they haven't had sex for a bit IME! Maybe having more sex would reduce his stress and solve the problem?

twirlaround.
So she should "put out" more in order to stop her partner being verbally aggressive?

clearly aggression like this is wrong and can't be excused - but I think my suggestion might be a practical way forward potentially

It doesn't mean I don't think he should apologise, either

Message withdrawn

I just think that if he is really sorry then he should be doing something to prevent it happening again (like anger management counselling for example since it seems to be more than a one-off).

Sorry if I seemed a bit confrontational, Twirlaround. I suppose everyone's relationship is different and I just know that if dh was to be like this with me I wouldn't feel like sleeping with him TBD.

To be honest, I mean

I agree with Pooka

Im shocked at twirlaround

shimmy1 didnt mention anything about sex or lack of and you suggest having sex to calm him down

good message - shout at family - get sex to shut you up

Thanks for the replies -sorry I had to disappear. DH came home so I switched off. He has said he is 'thinking deeply' about what happened. Meanwhile I'm being frostily polite. And don't be too hard on Twirlaround. I enjoyed her reply but dh is going to have to work bloody hard at his abject apologies before I feel like looking at his face again -let alone his other bits.

Thanks for the replies -sorry I had to disappear. DH came home so I switched off. He has said he is 'thinking deeply' about what happened. Meanwhile I'm being frostily polite. And don't be too hard on Twirlaround. I enjoyed her reply but dh is going to have to work bloody hard at his abject apologies before I feel like looking at his face again -let alone his other bits.

shimmy
I was trying to come at things from a different angle

I can understand that you wouldn't want to "reward" this behaviour!!!
But sometimes I think mens' aggressive behaviour is influenced by their hormones, a bit like us and PMT. So not an excuse, more a mitigating factor...but just a suggestion, after all for all I know, you guys are 3-times-a-nighters as it is

... on reflection I think I posted with insufficient explanation of what I was on about on my first post!

Making up is good, stewing/sulking not, but the man has to talk to you.