How to handle FIL's partner

[Dippy001]

My FIL had an affair for 8 years and finally let his wife and family know when he decided on staying with his partner for good. She is very very friendly, pushing herself into my life and I don't like it. I don't hate her for the affair though I must admit I find her 'mothering' quite irritating considering she has in part broken up a family. It is things like 'I consider you to be like my own daughter' and wanted to give us her grandchild's old clothes, calling all the time even though I don't call now. I find it incredibly disingenuious. I nearly died last year and she sent me £20 to make me feel better, but never visited when I was in hospital (for 6 weeks). DH doesn't like her much and doesn't want me to stay in contact but she doesn't seem to let go. How can I deal with this without causing a rift between DH and his Dad?

How well do you get on with your fil? It's just I wondered if you would be able to ask him to get her to back off - a little - a lot and getting involved more gradually. What does your dh think/feel?

I'd be very much 'wtf' about the £20, though. Although, to be very kind to her, maybe she just didn't know what to do, and so thought the money would be for you to treat yourself to something when you felt like it.

FIL is very much 'If you don't get on with her, then forget about me' which I found appalling. My MIL tried to kill herself after he told her about his affair. He was having an affair while she had cancer. It all makes me think they are both uncaring selfish people pretending to be something they are not.

DH just wants to keep the peace but didn't object when I told him I didn't like her constant contact. I don't want to, she is not a friend, and certainly not family in my eyes, I just think she is fake.

If FIL talks to him about it and complains then I'm not sure how he will react. The more the think about it, the more I think I'll just stop contact, not answer when she calls and hope it all goes away without anyone saying anything.

Agree your FIL's partner isn't your relative and sounds pushy to be calling you rather than your husband. I would ask your husband to tell his father to ask her to stop phoning. If FIL won't pass the message on then either be very brief and get her off the phone in a few seconds treating her like a nuisance caller or tell her that you'd like her to stop phoning as you feel she is trying to push her way into your life.
I suspect I'd just be very brief on the phone, but then I usually am apart from to close family and friends.
Maybe clarify with her that you don't want her to regard you as a daughter as you have a mother and don't need another. I suspect going through FIL asking her to back off is best though.

Just blank her, she's not your problem. If FIL has the attitude ;'If you don't get on with her, then forget about me' -then that's his choice. He can't emotionally blackmail you into being her friend.

I'd nail my colours to the mast clearly by making a point of keeping in touch with real MIL, after all she's your DH's Mother and your childrens real Grandmother. Don't let this woman push her out of her rightful place. She can't replace your real MIL.

I'd be civil to her but nothing more. As for FIL, he made his bed, let him lie in it.

I want to blank her, but didn't want to put DH in an uncomfortable position with his Dad. Right now I feel like it's making me so uncomfortable that I don't care. It is such odd behaviour, I honestly don't know what her agenda is. She doesn't actually care so what is she doing? She's got her man, trying to get close to me isn't going to change that. Just very weird.

She probably wants the status of grandma and family member. That way the shady way she and FIL got together is all erased. The more she insinuates herself into the family, the less anyone will feel they can take her or FIL to task about how they have behaved.

My MIL died, FIL has a new partner (which is fine) but she has recently taken it upon herself to start lecturing DH about his father, how DH should respect him, admire him and how FIL loved his grandchildren. Er...DH has know FIL for about 37 years longer than her and does not need to be told how to feel about him, and FIL makes next to no effort with his grandchildren, to the extent of not remembering what the second one is even called. It's more about image and relationship power plays than reality.

I second the suggestion not to let MIL be squeezed out.

Dippy, it's not you putting DH in an uncomfortable position with his Dad. It's his Dad and this silly, pushy woman. If she had half an ounce of sense she would be grateful for polite civility not push to replace MIL as she is.

It's FIL's and this womans behaviour that is wrong. It's not up to you to play their game. You can't make it right by doing that. Just be pleasant but distant with her. Don't answer her calls. Don't say anything bad about her but don't roll out the red carpet for her either.

I'm sure your DH would prefer if his own Mother was given the proper respect rather that pandering to this demanding woman.

How would you like her to act towards you and your family, ideally?