help

[morepositive]

Hi. You may remember my previous desperate posts after finding out my partner was having an affair , after loosing our son. he gave his reasons as I had put tons of weight on, would not go out and she was a work colleague who initially in his words was someone to have a beer with, forget about the grief and get away fom me. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. He initially wanted to stay friends but cos of my behaviour (I have to admit to being a bit of a stalker) I needed to know who she was and what she looked liked .(17 years younger than me and no kids,) anyway he refused to be friends, but he did come for xmas lunch with our younger son, then said she would hate it so he was def cutting of our friendship
They are work colleagues and were both made redundebt in Nov and Iand she is german and had to return to germany as he would not tell me anything I consoled my self with the fact it must be over, she knew he had been still with me when they got together, that he lied to her about allsorts of things and now has no job.home.money etc and truly thought there was a small chance we could rekindle our friendship.He informed our son this week that on son he was moving to germany on Sunday to be with her and he would see him every few weeks. Our son has a life threatening condition and is due to start uni in sept , he is bereft I am and I cannot stop crying I really haven?t let go because I truly hoped that after everything we had been through we would one day work things out I am lost lost lost lost

Be strong you and your son deserve better than him.

Oh no!!!! Bless your heart!!!!

All I can say is that you won't be lost forever. I know it hurts but maybe its time to let go now? Your son can still see him, altho it won't be the same I know, but you must cut the strings now it seems, and suffer through it - BUT then the sun will rise again and life will be new, and you will be new too, and you will see that life does go on.

agree with amdowntoearth. You will get through this, and you deserve better than this.

your marriage is over, and that is a good thing, because your husband sounds emotionally stunted and extremely immature.

let him walk away. concentrate on yourself. If you are every going to be friends, it will be many years from now, when you have got over him and moved on, and tbh it doesn't sound like you are there yet. which is nothing to be ashamed of, just something to be aware of.

you need to build a new support network. do you have other family in the area? are you seeing a counsellor etc?

If you are who I think you are then all I can tell you is the same as I said before.

You need counselling to come to terms with the end of your relationship. It has been over for a long time and you really really need to stop this and let it go.

Yes he has messed you around. Yes he has led you on. However his actions have been very clear for a long time. Your relationship is over and has been for a very long time for him.

You really do need help to stop yourself from being so upset all the time and hoping. It is not doing you any good and you cannot move on while you stay like this.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. Unfortunately just holding your hand and going 'there there' will not work.

Thanks for the responses and support, he still confuses me though, i said last night at least you are happy with her and he siad happyish, what do you think he means

Does it matter what he means? It doesn't mean anything. He's fucking with your head.

You need to forget about him. Don't engage with him any further. If your DS is old enough to be going to uni then he's old enough to make his own contact arrangements. Let your ex move to Germany, he's made his choice. Let it go, let him go and work on moving on.

I'm curious, why did they both lose their jobs? is it because you told the boss of their affair? in which case he would feel responsible for this and wouldn't have easily left her for a while after that (re 'happyish'). BUT if he really wanted to go back to you, he would have done by now. I'm sorry for your son though, for missing his dad.

Thank you likeatonneofbricks

you may be right, they had known for some time there were going to be several redundancies and yes although i'm not very proud work did find out through me they were having an affair, don't know if this made a differance to redundacy selection or not
up to now he has alway said she was just someone to go for a beer with and forget about the grief at home but she could be clingy , he has never introduced her to his family and said he never wants her to meet our son, he also told me he had problems with their sex life so it has come as such a shock that hes going their and i am devestated for our poor boy

he siad happyish, what do you think he means

what it means is immaterial. you are no longer his partner, his emotions aren't your affair. why do you even ask him if he is happy?

fwiw, as long as you are hanging around, being available, there is no way in hell he will respect you enough to ever come back to you. there's nothing more off-putting than someone who hasn't the self-respect to leave a situation when they are being treated as second-best.

and why are you so shocked that they are having sex? of course they are. he is no longer in a relationship with you, he owes you nothing at all.

more confused than ever, despite not being on speaking terms, he came round on Sat before he left for germany and we hugged and both cried and he told me he would always love me
he said its only work it doesn't mean anything, just that he needed a job
i think he is messing with me

It's called 'having your cake and eating it'. He's trying to keep all his options open by stringing you along with pat crap like always loving you. Keep your distance, make your own life and build up your self-respect. He's a worm. Good luck

why did you hug him if you're not speaking to him?

yes he is messing with you. he wants the security of knowing you'll always be hanging around waiting for him. so he keeps telling you he loves you etc. and getting all emotional because he knows that's what keeps you confused

He's messing with you and messing with her because he's a total tosspot and they always mess up their own lives and the lives of those around them.

If you spend your valuable time analysing why this man is like he is, says what he says, etc, you'll mess up your life without any help from him

He enjoys knowing you would take him back. It's a power trip. He feeds you enough crumbs to hint that he's not happy but at the same time his actions speak the opposite. You really must let him go from your heart. He isn't coming back and tbh even if he wanted to he will never love or respect you properly.