Is it time to leave?

[veeeee]

Have name-changed for this since DH sometimes googles my mn nickname to see what I've been posting.

This is a long one so thankyou if you manage to get though it!

Firstly, I've been married for 11 years, with DH for 13 since we were 18. We have a 4 month old dd.

I'm very very unhappy being with DH and the arrival of DD has made things worse - it's just something else for us to disagree on! I suppose I'm just going to use this as a place to vent about everything and try to get other people's perspective. And before anyone says so, yes I have tried to talk to him about it. He says that I'm the one with the problem so if I don't like it I can leave and if I haven't left then it can't be that bad.

So I'll split this into the main areas that we disagree on.

Housework - when we got married, for some crazy reason (probably because I was mainly raised by my nan and it is her viewpoint) I decided that I wanted to be a "good" wife and take care of my husband by basically doing everything around the house. Initially I was at university while he worked so I was at home more than him so it seemed logical that I did the housework and cooked dinner (even though I worked evenings and weekends). Once I finished university, I had a job where I worked 8-4 whilst he worked 9-5 so again I was home before him. In his opinion, this meant that I had more time to do housework than him and so I continued to do it, and ensure dinner was on the table when he got home. I then trained as a teacher which means that I "finish" work at 3 although I then spend evenings and weekends working but still he thinks the house is all my responsibility. Now I'm on maternity leave it's even worse. He does nothing at home except moan about the state of the house or that his ironing isn't done or that dinner isn't done or, if I've cooked chicken burgers and chips for example, it's not a proper dinner.

Evenings - he plays some sort of sport at least 3 evenings a week and on Saturdays. He uses this as another reason why I should be looking after the house - because I'm at home while he is out doing leisure activities! He says it's not his fault I'm too lazy to persue a hobby (which isn't true, I enjoy things such as reading which he doesn't agree is an acceptable leisure activity for me).

Sex - he thinks that my body belongs to him and that I owe him sex, even if I don't want it. He gets progressively meaner whith name calling and comments (see later) as days without sex go by until I give in just to get him off my back. He thinks he is entitled to put his hand in my bra or molest me whenever he wants to. We never cuddle because I know that for him it has to be sexual. He didn't speak to me all day on Sunday becuase I didn't want sex with him on Saturday evening after we had been at a family party - he felt he should have been rewarded for enduring the whole party. It's always about his gratification anyway, I've told him things I would like him to do but he never does them.

Comments and name-calling - when we first got together, I didn't mind so much the name-calling, I thought it was a bit of a laugh. I don't find it funny anymore and I've told him and he wont stop because he says that I shouldn't have a problem with it. His latest name for me is "MB" which stands for mega-bitch. He uses it all of the time instead of my name e.g. "MB do you want a cup of tea". He changes it every few months, I've lost track of most of them but he went through a phase of calling me Pot-pot once because I'm a pot-bellied pig.
He constantly mutters little comments like "it's unreasonable of you to go out when the ironing isn't done", "have you seen my football top, I doubt it's been washed", "we've got no milk, I can't believe you haven't bought any" among others.
There are mental health issues in my family and I suffer from depression which I control really well! He says that he has "taught me how to behave like a normal person" and constantly tells me that we don't have any problems in our relationship, it's all in my head.

DD - he had told me I cuddle her too much and spend too much time playing with her. He feels I should sit her in front of the tv more often so that I can get on with the housework.

Finally, he thinks he knows everything about everything.

There is more but this post is mammoth as it is! I hate being here but he makes me feel as though I'm the problem and I suppose I am. I don't want the same sort of relationship I wanted when I was 18. I want to be loved and respected and treated as an equal. Am I wrong to have issues with the above points?

You don't need people who are also emotionally abusive or grew up in that environment to validate your experience.
He probably doesn't come across as well as you think.
Very rarely have I been surprised when a friend tells me that their 'Mr Wonderful' is actually an arsehole. It shows through, you shouldn't doubt yourself.
You should also hold on to all you have achieved with very little emotional support.
I'm so sad for you that you think you have 'failed.' You haven't.

You start your post saying that you are very unhappy being with your dh. The rest (though definatly justifying your unhappyness) is unnecessary. If you are very unhappy then you can and should leave. Your dd deserves to grow up in a happy home. Good luck x

When I say 'you don't need' I don't mean to denegrate people with experience of EA, it was badly worded. I meant your mum might not be your best guide to what is acceptable behaviour if she hasn't addressed her own issues.
Sorry if I have offended.

no offense taken bleedingheart my mum would be the last person I turn to in this unfortunately.

Winkly I have told him before it is sexual assault. He disagrees because we are married and it's nothing that bad. He says I'm just being horrible by witholding and that I'm very selfish with my body.

HotDAMN I have perused the EA threads before and although the descriptors almost all ring true with my relationship, I'm loathed to categorise myself as in that sort of relationship. There are lots of reasons for this but I think the biggest one being that my parent were EA of each other, I had a very broken upbringing and I've tried desperately my whole life to be nothing like them.

I hear you. I was where you are a little over a year ago. It is very hard to place the "abuse" tag on one's own life and hopes and dreams. Wrenchingly painful.

But it's only once you know and accept what you're faced with that you can properly tackle it (by leaving - in the knowledge that you are right to leave).

You're already a step ahead of most people in your situation since you already know that your parents' relationship was abusive (most only make the connection after they leave their own abusive marriages). Do not punish yourself for leaving your own abusive spouse because you had hoped to have an unbroken family: nothing you do in your own, present life is going to symbolically "fix" your parents' failed marriage. And how terrible if you were to use your own unhappy childhood as a reason to remain trapped into an unhappy adulthood!

A happy adulthood will only happen if you free yourself from this abuse. You can do it, and you deserve it. Look at my username for what life feels like on the other side , just one year on.

It will be tough. But you are a wonderful and lovable human being who deserves nothing less than equality and respect in all her relationships.

x

Well, go and see a solicitor now and get the ball rolling wrt selling the house. Look at it this way-you say your mum is the last person you'd turn to-I'm guessing that's because she has her own issues with what a woman should or shouldn't do in the household, plus if she thinks what he says to you is "funny", then I understand it's a no-go.

So it's down to you. To break the chain, to break the cycle, isn't it? I suspect the last thing you would want for your DD is for her to have a relationship like this in the future.

You are not a failure. You have recognised that he is abusing you, and telling you that it is normal.

It is not.

You will be saving you and your DD a lot of heartache.

I reread that post and it comes across as a bit blunt. That's not intended, I just can't stand the injustice of your situation. He is treating you no better than an animal, his possession. I am so angry with this man!!!

But what if it is me, that I'm making a big deal out of these things and that I'm going to walk away from what could be a very happy family for DD if I just get over my problems with DH?

It's not you.

Veeee you say you don't want your dd to "live in a shithole just because you are unhappy". Your dd will be much happier having a happy mummy and living in a smaller less lovely looking house. Your DH is emotionally abusive and you and your dd deserve better.

I agree that you should quietly plan your move out and get as much support from those family and friends you can trust to help you. You don't need to justify yourself anymore, you have more than enough reasons to leave your DH, now you need to plan HOW to do it rather than WHY.

Good luck, I really hope you find happiness for you and your dd.

Veee it's not you, you are not making a big deal out of it. It doesn't sound like these are the sorts of problems you can get over. Your DH is a bully and sadly he is not going to change, he has become used to having his way and telling you what to do and there is no way that he will settle for a new way of doing things.

Someone who calls you names and demands sex is NOT going to miraculously change into a nice man.

How can you and your dd possibly have a happy home life with a man who does the things he does?

You are not making a big deal - he is treating you appallingly and sounds a complete arse. You are never going to be happy with him (have you ever?) Your DD will know this absolutely without realising, but think this is NORMAL.

Sorry, because I know it's the hardest thing. But it is not your fault, it is his behaviour that will be the cause of the break-up of your marriage.

But what if it is me, that I'm making a big deal out of these things and that I'm going to walk away from what could be a very happy family for DD if I just get over my problems with DH?

Your problem with your H is that you are upset at his abusive behaviour.

You would be nuts not to be upset!

This isn't a "problem" - this is a very, very sane and healthy reaction to abuse

Don't "get over" these feelings: they are your very own self-protection instinct telling you that shit is wrong here. Listen to those feelings: they are your only allies.

(well, actually not your only allies; I misspoke. You will find that you can call upon the help of friends, GPs, therapists, HVs, WA, solicitors ... the list of help out there is long, and they will jump into gear as soon as you reach out to them)

veeeee

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This is an abusive relationship on so many levels.

If your parents marriage was (and likely still is ) emotionally abusive you yourself learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships from these people. With such poor role relationship role models it is not entirely surprising that you chose an emotionally abusive partner yourself; this is what you learnt from them; your parents left you a damaging legacy. Also growing up in such a dysfunctional household left you even more vulnerable to the approaches of abusive men.

Such men as well do not change; he has likely upped the control and abuse ante since the start of your relationship and continues to do so. BTW the threat re your child is an empty one; no court in the land would grant him full residency over you and such threats are often said by abusive men to keep their victim in their place.

Abusers as well are very plausible to those in the outside world but the cracks even then can show and some of your friends are probably very worried about you.

Please make that first and hardest step to get out of your EA and physically abusive relationship now by making a plan of esacpe and using all legal means possible. Please also call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

Your H is textbook abuser; all his actions towards you are absuive and about power and control. He wants absolute over you. He regards you and your DD as mere possessions to use as he wishes; he has no respect or love for either of you.

You can reclaim your life away from your H and your EA birth family to boot but you have to make that first hardest and bravest step to do so. Once you have done that the rest will follow.

You can do this!!. You don't have to grow flowers in the hole you find yourself in.

Attila emotionally I get nothing, financially I have security so it is for selfish reasons I'm still here at the moment.

It makes me sad that everyone is in agreement that his behaviour is vile. With other people he is so nice and I do like parts of him, I just hate the way he behaves towards me as his wife.

Hi veeeee,

No obstacle is insurmountable and there is always a way out.

As mentioned before abusers are plausible to those in the outside world; these people put on a good act but the mask soon slips and I am certain that some of your friends have their suspicions about him.

His behaivour towards you will not change; it will further escalate but you are not completely powerless here. You need to take the first and hardest step to get out and with your DD. This is no relationship model for her to look up to is it?. You know this to be true.

You are profoundly affected by both your past and present emotional and physical abusers - yes the plural form is correct.

Please veeee, don't stay within this for any supposed financial security. It would not surprise me if he controlled all the finances with an iron fist and allows you very little.

"he went through a phase of calling me Pot-pot once because I'm a pot-bellied pig". That's so rude. I'm afraid to say that I think your H is a nasty, controlling, vile little man.......

Time to be honest about how abusive he is- of course it'll be a shock to people if you've pretended so long.

Lots of relationships end, quote bloody right too if one person is being abused. However I think you need to look at your attitudes to gender, women don't have a cleaning/doormat gene. We are different but equal.

How would you respond to your dd if in 20 years she tells you her husband treats her the way yours treats you? Really?

Good luck, it'll all come together further down the line, patience and perseverence needed

emotionally I get nothing, financially I have security so it is for selfish reasons I'm still here at the moment.

It's not "selfish" to survive, love. Please don't put yourself down - you get enough of that from him without adding to it yourself.

But you can live well without the financial security he gives you at the moment.

Yes, it's time to leave. I hope you find the strength you need.

Joblot I definitely do not need to look at my attitude to gender - I am quite disgusted with myself that I am in the situation whereby I do everything around the house. I don't do it because I think I, as a woman, ought to but because he does not and will not but complains if things are not done. I don't think it is right nor would I encourage any of my female friends or relatives to remain in a relationship like this!

Veeeee, you just said you would not encourage female friends or relatives to remain in a relationship like yours. Don't encourage yourself to. You will not have failed at anything by walking away. It's a waste of a life to stay in such an unhappy environment.

I hear that you don't want to take your duaghter from your house. Is there anyway he would leave if you make it clear the relationship is over? For his daughters sake? I'm guessing not judging by your description of him! Does anyone know where the OP stands on this legally?