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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grrr monster in law! need helpful advice please

9 replies

Broadie · 30/01/2006 14:39

Hello ladies

Have a lovely wonderful delightful 4 month old daughter with my wonderful hubby who is just fab. What I want to know is how such brilliant people can be genetically linked to such a nasty individual? well she's not nasty - i'm over reacting - but she is driving me nuts and I need advice on how to handle things now before they get out of control.

Little bit of history to set the scene. Met hubby 7 years ago - he was at uni in a different part of the country to mother (he is an only child). MIL thought that when finishing uni he would return home and find a job locally - he had never said he was - but typical man never said he wasn't = even though he knew his plans! Anyway I come into his life and we set up a place together and I was basically blamed for stealing her little boy away from him. Anyway this was love and he is the one and we rode it out and she said alot of hurtful things especially after my mum died about 4 months after we met. Over the years its gotten better - we don't discuss what happened back then - MIL likes to think that she was testing the strength of our relationship, she was good as gold at the wedding and since then she's been ok.

This weekend we went to MIL for a surprise visit - because they live about 3 - 4 hours away we want them to see as much as possible of their only grandchild - especially since we don't plan on having any more children.

She made a passing comment about giving my child alcohol, I said that she was never to give my child alcohol until she was old enough (i'm quite relaxed about young teens having a little drop at the family dinner table - but not babies!) She responded - to me yes Debbie whatever you say (MOCKING Voice) then to my baby loud enough to hear - what mummy doesn't know won't hurt her - it will be our little secret.

I ignored it - but it really peeved me off. Its like some kind of control game for her - and not one I want to encourage with my child in the middle. I don't want her to encourage my child to lie when she's older to either of her parents, I don't want her to feed my child crap or booze - just because it was good enough for her son when he couldn't get to sleep - even though my baby doesn't have a problem with sleeping.

My baby started crying and she shouted ey! enough of that in a really load agressive tone and she keeps on asking when we're putting her on a bottle - so she can feed her (i'm bf).

I know she is desperate to do something grandmotherly or to look after her and show her off - which i'm all for but I don't trust her to care for her in the way that both my husband and I would wish her too and the more rubbish that comes out of her mouth the more inclined I am to ensure that she isn't left to look after her.

Advice please.
debs

OP posts:
starlover · 30/01/2006 14:43

advice: nod your head, smile sweetly and ignore it all!

i think a lot of older people just don't THINK before they say stuff... and they don't realise that things they did with kids aren't the norm now...
in fact i think some of them take it as a slight against them and the way they raised their kids if you say anything...

i don't think she means anything by it, just being a bit overenthusiastic maybe?

WigWamBam · 30/01/2006 14:46

Take a deep breath, smile sweetly, and ignore. She's not really doing anything awful here, just wanting to be more involved with her grandchild. Things were done differently when she was raising her children, and you have plenty of time to stamp your own authority and make sure that you are in control, not her.

Try to relax; it'll eat you up otherwise.

WigWamBam · 30/01/2006 14:47

Crossed posts, starlover

starlover · 30/01/2006 14:48

haha! great minds and all that eh?

oops · 30/01/2006 15:41

Message withdrawn

oops · 30/01/2006 15:41

Message withdrawn

poppy123 · 30/01/2006 16:44

Debs - I know just how you feel, my dd is now 1 and i have as little to do with mil as poss, but having always bitten my tongue before, now I just tell her when she oversteps the mark, doesnt make me very popular but at the end of the day it's your baby, you know her and what's best so she will just have to put up with how you do things - I also had the "you have to put her on bottles" so she could feed dd but I didn't and just kept up the bf. good luck!

snowleopard · 30/01/2006 17:00

I have read (In What to Expect: Te First Year, I think) that even a small amount of alcohol can be harmful to a baby, so I'd worry if an MIL had this attitude! No advice, sorry, just wanted to say what a silly old cow. What is it with these MILs who think their son (plus any kids he has) is their possession for life?

PeachyClair · 30/01/2006 18:03

Broadie, mine actually GAVE my 2.5 year old alcohol at Christmas! I thought it was choccy pudding (bad enough as milk intol but had to give him something), in fact she's added loads of rum after cooking it 'to moisten it'- as she mentioned the minute ds finished it.

We haven't spoken to her since. Tomorrow is ds2's birthday, will be interested in whether she remembers / calls.

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