It's equally your fault...

[catrin]

H has been a knob for years. But I loved him, thought it would change to how it used to be. I've had it all - prostitutes, porn, debt, bailiffs, laziness, meanness and then affair. Apparently it is half my fault.
Tonight, yet agin, he maintains i am 50% responsible. I have never done anything similar to him ever. And never could.
He has been due to move out since January but still has not. He is the evil spectre in the house.
So why do I carry the 50%? I do not want it. I have been no angel ( found out about each and every episode and FREAKED) but surely was valid?
I know there's no answer other than he needs to go, which I hope he will soon. I just hate feeling like I share half the responsibility for his behaviour. Sigh.

imo the only thing you're responsible for is forgiving him when you probably should have walked out or thrown him out.

don't let him tell you his fecklessness is your fault... he is an autonomous human being with free will. if you were so awful, he could have done the honourable thing and ended your marriage. but he didn't.

neither did you, and that's all you're to "blame" for, if you could go so far as to call it "blame". after all, staying with him only hurt you, not him! it's not like he can howl at the injury you caused him by not walking out on him!

and you're right, the answer is, he needs to go.

Only he is responsible for his behavior.
You are responsible for your behavior.

You are 50% responsible for not having found a way to kick him out.
And for having put up with all that.

I'd probably answer: yes I am awful. You should leave me. Do. Please.

You are 100% not responsible for his behaviour but your are 100% responsible for putting up with it.

I doubt that he'll be going anywhere of his own volition.

What will it take for you to get him out?

Thank you.
You are all right. I look back (sadly) and I see a zillion times I should have given in and gone. I know you cant't change a person, but the man I married is unrecognisable and I want him to be himself again. Not for me - think I am done.
I know it is not half my fault, but you get told it enough...
Thank you for reading my vent.

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Izzy - I am prepared to start divorce proceedings ASAP. He refuses to go willingly. No idea what more I can do.

If you're living separately - i.e. you're not cohabiting or sharing a bed - under the same roof, there's no reason why yhou can't file for divorce tomorrow.

Talk to your solicitor about the possibility of applying for an occupation order which will require him to leave the marital home.

Never mind what he says. He's a cock and his opinion is irrelevant. See a solicitor and get rid of him. If he is aggressive or violent ring the police DV unit, you can have him forcibly removed from the house if he is a danger to you.

By his logic if you got burgled it would be 50% your fault.

It makes no sense at all.

This is who he is now.

Get that divorce underway.

Well, what would you expect him to say? An abuser says abusive things. It takes a while to start trusting your judgement over his. Once he is gone, you will eventually get his voice out of your head.

He's not the one who gets to decide what reality is.