Someone help me?

[Rescuemerescueme]

I have namechanged obviously, I am so ashamed of my behaviour and not sure where to go from here.

My Dh's nan has been staying for a week. Due to stay for another week. I originally agreed to her staying, despite having only met her briefly twice and despite knowing DH would be working as we have a young baby she has only seen once. Then DH found he would have to work away for at least several days of her stay. I was anxious about this as I am very sleep deprived and have an older child with SN. I also have a history of depression and although I don't think I have PND this time, I haven't been feeling great. I asked DH to ask her to consider cancelling as I felt it was too much for me to cope with ATM. He didn't want to. I kept asking him and he just said she was looking forward to coming.

She arrived last Tuesday. I felt very anxious about it the day before and the day of her arrival, DH was going away the morning after she got her for three days. He had also arranged a works night out for tonight, which I asked him several times to get out of and he laughed it off. She made it clear she wanted to help out. Lovely of her but my son is used to routine and doesn't cope well if it changes and I am used to doing things my own way. A couple of times I've popped upstairs to fold washing or something and asked if she would watch the baby to come back to find she'd sat the baby in her highchair with some food. Also, a couple of times when I asked her to watch her while I was cooking dinner or something she decided to get her to sleep and I felt awkward about saying something, but it then messed up the baby's sleeping patterns and caused over tiredness. She also, after the first few days took to saying to me 'you don't do that, you silly girl' and similar things.

I usually say what I think but I just didn't feel I should be as I didn't want to be rude. I did feel she was trying to help, but over stepping the boundaries. DH refused to say anything to her. Over the week I've felt gradually more anxious and after I collected my son from school today shut myself in the bedroom with the baby absolutely sobbing. I just didn't want to go downstairs and have to deal with her comments any more. DH came home and got really angry with me and then told me to 'get out of his house'. I took the children to a friends, but didn't have anything for them and couldn't stay there anyway and DS needs to go to school tomorrow. It basically culminated in me asking DH to take his Nan and stay elsewhere so I could bring the DC home, which he did. Understandably his Nan is upset and I feel absolutely awful now, but also like a huge weight has been lifted.

I am supposed to have a hospital appointment tomorrow as I have a breast lump that needs investigation but I don't feel I can go. DH has stopped me having access to the bank account, not sure how. He has text to say he'll take me to the hospital tomorrow so he can see DD but I don't want to see him ATM. He was really abusive to me before I left (I asked for him to be gone before I came back) and I thought he might hit me. He has been violent twice in the past, a lot of years ago and he has sought help for this, but when he gets angry I still worry he will hurt me again.

I'm in a state, I feel awful and I just don't know where to go from here. I have no money and will have to leave our home. (it's complicated, but I will have to leave) I don't know what to do next and I feel like a horrible person.

Oh poor you, have a hug :(

Something a women's aid person said to me that has always stuck with me is this: domestic violence, despite the name, is more about control than violence. They only have to hit you once to make you controlled and fearful for the rest of your life. Domestic violence is pernicious in lots of other ways too: emotional and financial abuse are massively important too.

If you phone women's aid and tell them everything, tell them that you don't think you can leave, tell them that you still love him and he's normally lovely - they will understand, they won't judge you, they won't tell you you're wrong or bad for thinking those things. Promise. The emotional and maybe practical support you can get from that phone call is amazing, honestly. I know I'm coming across as evangelical but I really think you would benefit from their support.

Don't know if a sort of "personal" (even though you don't know me IRL!) recommendation would make it any easier for you to phone - but message me if you want the phone number of my local Women's Aid office. The 4 women who work there are the nicest, calmest people you could hope to meet and even if you're not in the local area that they serve, they will be more than happy to talk to you.

Thinking of you, you are a wonderful person who deserves all the very best in life.

Cutting off your funds is financial abuse, no matter what you have or haven't done, there is no reason for him to leave you with no money. That alone rings alarm bells, you need outside support to get this sorted. Take care of yourself.

I'm just not sure about ringing womens aid. I did ring once before and they only seemed able to help with practicalities if I wanted to leave.

I'm also not sure that my DH is an abuser in the true sense of the word although maybe that's because by and large I don't allow myself to be controlled? I mean, he earns the money, I (usually!) have free access to the account, although I wouldn't make big purchases without discussing with him but I'd think nothing of buying clothes, make up, perfume etc. I make lots of our 'big' decisions such as holidays etc. he never minds if I want to go out with friends (admittedly its not often) he helps an awful lot around the house, with the DC, gets up so I can lay in at weekends etc. none of my friends or sister think I've got much to moan about. But yes, he's been violent and I know he was violent to his ex on at least one occasion. She is on very good terms with him now though.

I do take the fact he was violent seriously. I do (during heated arguments) worry he'll be violent again, but I don't see him as abusive in general. Perhaps I'm wrong.

but I don't see him as abusive in general. Perhaps I'm wrong
No, you aren't - for reasons more eloquently expressed above.

Honey, he told you to get out of your home. He has stopped you accessing the means to feed and clothe yourself and your DC. He's been violent in the past and you feared he was going to hit you this time too.

He is abusive..

I'm sorry honey but that's the simple truth of it. Please, get out of this, for your sake and that of your DC.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like his nan is the problem - she tried to be a good guest, but of course she didn't know your routine and was probably used to being expected to do whatever she felt best whenever she did babysitting, and was used to being more casual and less vigilant around small children. You're fine to continue doing things your own way, of course.

BUT the real issue here is your DH. What in the world is wrong with him, was my first reaction on reading this. And it sounds like a lot of your anxiety and stress is triggered by him. I would certainly go and get some advice from Woman's Aid about handling him. He needs to deal with his anger management problem. If he doesn't, I don't really see much hope for a happy future for you and your DCs with him.

PS. And yes, cutting your finances off is controlling - and he has even threatened to evict you from your own home (which, if your name is on the deeds, he can't do). You need to be careful and be aware of where you stand legally - from what little I know of the law he cannot legally throw you out of the home when there are 2 children to be looked after (which he seems to do very little of), even if you didn't pay the rent/mortgage and your name was not on the deeds. It would be worth going to Citizens Advice Bureau (or looking up their website) and looking up the websites of Relate and Resolution to glean some info about situations like these - which sadly are quite common. Don't let yourself and your children be bullied just because you don't know how much of the law supports you.

I am also concerned about the safety of you and your children - men who have been violent and controlling tend to escalate if they are not going to treatment or counselling for their behaviour. The next outburst might be a very serious and life threatening attack on you or one of your children.

I'm sorry to hear your last experience of Women's Aid wasn't useful. If you can muster the enthusiasm to phone again you might have a better experience this time round? Otherwise there are other ways of getting support..

Do you have anything like a women's resource centre near you? They might have drop-in sessions. For example the one near me has a drop in session on Fridays where they're making a mosaic atm, it looks amazing, and you go along and join in with sticking the bits on, you can talk as much or as little as you want to the other women there, the professionals etc. Something low-pressure to look into perhaps? Or you could make a face-to-face private appointment with them.

The Samaritans might also be an option - they will certainly let you talk and think through your options for as long as you need, but I'm not sure how well trained they all are in DV issues.

You have done nothing wrong, OP. Nothing at all. Please try not to blame yourself for this.

The fact he is cutting off your finances concerns me. The fact he's been violent in the past concerns me. The fact he didn't offer support concerns me. The fact you're still worried he may be violent worries me.

I don't have anything to add to GrahamTribes' post, but I just wanted to reassure you again. You are not in the wrong. >hugs

"I don't see him as abusive in general."

He doesn't have to be. The threat's enough.

How are you? Please keep us updated x

Instead of ringing the national helpline, visit www.womensaid.org to find your nearest branch and give them a call during office hours - and please use the 'report' facility to ask mumsnet to move your post to the Relationships board.

As others have said, it's likely that your not-so-dear h's gran meant well but it's never going to be a good time for her to visit if all she's going to do is criticise you instead of genuinely helping you with the dc.

Nevertheless, having regard to her age and the fact that she's taken the time to travel to see her grandson and great gdc, I hope that you'll be able to mend some fences with her before she goes home, but if she's been truly obnoxious to you do feel free not to bother - and don't feel guilty either way.

Thankyou.

I just feel numb this morning. I didnt hear from DH again last night and I suspect he may have even still attended his work night out. Which would, IMO, sum up how selfish he can be.

I'm not going to lie, I still love him. I still (maybe not right now) get butterflies in my tummy when I'm with him. I never thought it possible to be so in love. For six years he hasnt laid a finger on me and although at the time of the violence he did initially blame me, once he'd spoken to someone he accepted he was at fault and that it had been about control. However, I do feel he now thinks its in the past and I should forget it and never bring it up. I know he does feel guilt and embarrassment. I definitely don't alter my daily behaviour, or even behaviour during rows, but the thought is always there when he's angry and has the same expression he had then that he 'll do it again.

I don't know how to get to the hospital today. He has the car, the car seat is in it. I don't have a pram I can take on the bus and my breast is too sore to use the sling. My friend did offer a lift but she has no suitable car seat. The breast nurse booked my appointment by phone so I may ring to see if I can re arrange for next week, otherwise I'll have to ask DH to take me or for the car and I don't want to do that.

I do want DH back, but not as things were. Especially now I have a DD. He doesn't offer me support and maybe that's because he doesn't know how, but occasionally his behaviour is appalling. I think for our marriage to be a or to continue he needs to seek further help and counselling as a couple is probably needed too.

he blamed you for his violence?

Hi everyone,

Just to let you know, we've moved this thread to 'Relationships'.

Thanks,
MNHQ

Yes, He blamed me. I 'wound him up' apparently. He did later acknowledge that it didn't matter how much I 'wound him up' he had no right to hit me and that the reason he did it was in order to control my behaviour.

I am thinking about ringing WA. I am really struggling today. I cancelled my breast clinic appointment, they have re booked for next week, and I just don't feel up to doing anything. I am half wishing I had kept DS at home today as I don't feel up to collecting him, but I will have to.

DH text me 20 mins before my clinic appointment but he must have known that didn't leave enough time to get there. He is still going on about how upset his nan is, he hasn't once asked if I am OK. Apparently I 'only' had to cope until Saturday. Obviously I didn't feel I could cope. I was shut in the bedroom sobbing when he got home FFS!

I am so gutted and angry too. Posting here has made me realise that for all his good points, he has been very selfish and unsupportive and I have no idea now what my future will hold or where I will go. (It is not him telling me I can't stay here in the house, I can't stay for other reasons I don't want to go into in case it 'outs' me) Plus, my family are miles away anyway and I don't know many people here as we haven't lived here that long.

Is love permanently tinged with fear worth it?

I'd argue it's not. I know it feels so hard though. :(

Hope you can find a way to make it to your appointment. Do you have any other friends you can ask to take you or borrow their carseat?

x posted about the appointment sorry.

Try to take one step at a time. It sounds important that you get to your appointment tomorrow, being in pain will make everything seem worse and harder to deal with.

Do you have any friends with similar age dc who could lend you a car seat? Or could you put your approximate location and DC age on here and see if someone could lend you one.

As far as getting some money for yourself goes, do you have your own bank account? If so, ring Child Benefit, and get that swapped to credit your account, ask to swap to weekly payment as you are suffering financial difficulties and same with Tax Credits if you're entitled to any.