dating advice.. should i try and go there again or shouldnt i?

[chocolatepuff]

Hi there, i'll try and be as brief as poss..

was dating a bloke for a few weeks, (M) it was nice, fun, i liked him. he then finished things with me because he had ended up sleeping with someone from his past. Ouch, i felt hurt, but glad he'd told me.

He called me 3 weeks later saying he missed me, he'd made a big mistake and couldnt stop thinking about me, saw a future with me, he'd been a dick and 'had a dickhead testosterone moment' blah blah. i said i wasnt sure if i could trust him not to dump me again when the next shag oppertunity presented itself. i told him i had felt hurt, and realised i was quite vulnerable still after my break up with ex-p (last spring. we have a 2.5yr old dd) i said i would think about it and get back to him.

we meet for coffee a few days later. i wanted him to prove himself to me, that he really did want me. we chatted.. i asked what exactly had happened to lead him to sleep with someone else and finish with me, and what had happened to lead him back to wanting me (i was having to tease things out, he seemed uncomfortable about the convo) he seemed not to really know. i told him what i wanted. i said i was not into having something casual, that im not into marriage either but that at this stage in my life i want to have a relationship. i asked him if he knew what he wanted, and he said he wasnt sure. i said right lets forget it then, lets just be friends. (we havent seen each other since then but we have mutual friends so theres a possibilty we'll bump into each other at some point)

after this i felt a bit pissed off, and felt i'd been messed around by him, not knowing what he wanted. this was a few weeks ago. I hear through our mutual friends that he has asked after me a few times. the truth is i cant stop thinking about him. i think this is partly because things are so shit with my ex-p at the moment (total communication breakdown) and M was a pleasant distraction from it. its partly because im lonely and want male company. and its because i like him too.

would it be sad and desperate to get in touch with him? i have been pondering asking our mutual friend to engineer us both being round hers at the same time..?

thanks in advance

does he have a reputation for messing around? what does your mutual friend think if the situation? How many weeks had you been dating? i think if your wondering about it now, it will play on your mind for a while so why not just see how it goes.
also I wonder I it was your friend in this situation what would you say to them??

I think you've hit the nail on the head that it's partly because things are so shit with your exp and this man was a welcome distraction - understandable.
Thing is though, this chap did sleep with someone else while seeing you and isn't sure if he wants a relationship. If you were up for a casual fling with him that would be one thing, but you're not so I think you did absolutely the right thing to walk away now and spare yourself further hurt.

It's still early days in relation to your split with exp and there are plenty more men out there, I think there'll be someone better for you later on

thanks guys.

no reputation of messing around as far as i know. i asked him if he was always this impulsive and he said no and seemed quite shocked by it himself. our mutual friends were surprised by his behaviour too. The friends are a couple, the male is better friends with M, and has said that in his 20's M was in a long term relationship, and since he's been in his 30's he's been 'playing the field' and making up for his 'lost youth' (he is currently 35)

we had been dating.. 8 weeks, ish? nothing i know. Worley I find it so hard to put myself in that objective position -what would you say to a friend, i know its a really useful way to gain perspective but for some reason i find it impossible to take myself out of it!

I know what you mean about taking yourself out of it as in the advise position. I'm in a situation that I know if it was a friend I would say its not worth the hassel but I'm like you.. been by myself for almos three years since splitting with exdp after 12 yrs and have a nice man but I know it's not going to be log term so I shouldn't c

oops sorry on phone.. didn't mean to post..
I shouldn't really get too involved.. but it's nice to have male company and attention after a while. so I've carried on :(

maybe he did suddenly realise that it wasn't what he wanted to be doin and it shook him up a bit ... in your heart would you really like to see him again or is it just the attention you like ( and I understand about that believe me!)

Worley sorry to be nosey, why wouldn't it be longterm with the new guy?

Yes, male attention does feature heavily in my needs at the moment.. But it's hard to unpick what is this and what are my true feelings about him. I think I like him, alot. He is smart, witty, good in bed and kind. Can I kid myself into trying to have a casual relationship with him..? I know the answer, and tbh I doubt he'd go there with me z(knowing what I've said to him) I just imagine him meeting someone else and I feel insanely jelous and hurt!

maybe you should just have a date with him them and see how it goes again? if you feel like that you must like him still and if you can get past what happened ??
the guy I met lives over 50 miles away from me which I realise isn't that far but I work full time and have two ds's so not easy to meet up with him (exdp doesn't help with childcare and I don't like to ask my parents as they help me ou t so much as it is) he has 2dc too, works 6 days a week and has his dc a lot too so just makes it hard to meet up. I'm not prepared to introduce him to my ds's for a long long time... so im kind of talking myself into not getting too attached to him.. I think im just protecting myself also really...

OP My biggest concerns in your situation would be his lack of self awareness about why he shagged his ex/wanted you back etc, and the fact that he put it down to a "dickhead testosterone moment" then dumped you.

It sounds like you have handled it brilliantly so far, just remember that you said after this i felt a bit pissed off, and felt i'd been messed around by him, not knowing what he wanted.
this sounds like a possible gut instinct alarm signal imo

I wouldn't.

Reminds me of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

He's shown himself to be unreliable already early into the relationship.

He's been with another woman and is uncommunicative/vague about the reasons why. Not good long-term relationship material, I'm afraid.

What happens next time an ex calls him up?

I wouldn't want to live like that.

Don't do it op. It's a red flag. If you are hurt this early on then it's not right. I ubderstand why you might be tempted. Date some more and hav efun. The right one will show up eventually.

DO NOT go there. He let you know he'd slept with someone else to make you jealous and put you on the back foot and it's working. Don't do it. He is bad news. Big red flag. Wait it out and be good to yourself. You are very vulnerable at the moment and will find yourself with someone worse than your ex if you make a poor decision now. Keep your guard well up until you feel less lonely and stressed. This man has hurt you so early on and will definitely do it again and you will feel like shit which is only going to add to your stress. Forget about male attention. Get support from your friends. And don't settle for less than very good. It's not the time to be starting a dodgy relationship with a manipulator. Step away. Your instincts have served you well and I admire you for telling him no thanks. But you are like prey that got away for him now. Keep clear of him. Hope things improve with your ex and you can get that sorted satisfactorily.

Thank you all for your replies. I know you're right deep down. Freeandhappy you speak alot of sense and what you've said is what my gut is telling me. But loneliness clouds and drives everything I do, it's very hard not to make reasons to see him. I know deep down it's bad, but I always think - what if? He might fall in love with me, if only I show him how good we could be together.

Worley I always assumed dating someone with kids would be the sensible way to go - they know what it's like to be a lone parent and everything that comes with that. But reading your post I see it can get complicated when trying to actually see each other and build the relationship! Doesn't mean it can't happen though if you like each other and it's what you both want. I can understand your reservations about protecting yourself though.

Argh dating is hard work! I hate it but I also hate bring on my own. what ya gonna do eh!

Don't feel too sad. Being lonely is not that bad. It's better than being tormented. Get used to liking being by yourself. Enjoy watching whatever you damn like on the telly. Make your home a place other mums like coming to for a cup of tea or glass of wine with no moody husband around! Enjoy your freedom. You might be missing the old prison walls and looking for another prison warden! Don't! It takes a bit of getting used to being a grown up single and liberated woman but it's a great place to be. Read some of the threads on here of peoe having an awful time with bad partners. You'll feel better if you stand strong. You have yourself and you can be your own best friend. The better you are doing the nicer people will be attracted to you. This man has treated you very poorly so for you to be still interested should be a worry to you. Make yourself proud and keep away. Wait for someone nicer.

actually what freeandeasy said does make sense! it's just hat when someone's being nice and paying attention. the boost it gives you is good. but maybe not worth it long term. the worrying and it may always be there at the back of your head.

I guess it is easier dating someone with children and our ds's are exactly the same age so he understands. but I'm just so weary still.

Freeandeasy you are so right. The fact I'm still wanting him after the way he has treated me is a sure indicator I'm not ready for a relationship. And like you said, he wants to keep me onthe back foot ( he just rang me up, out of the blue. After chatting for a while I said 'are u just calling for a chat?' and he replied yep. It was s nice convo but still, why call?!)

I guess to me at the moment, loneliness feels so painful. All I have is coupled up friends. I thi k it would feel good to have some other single mum friends, it would be empowering I think.

(((hugs))) Worley.

thankyou chocolatepuff :) and back at ya lol
where abouts are you ? I need more single mum friends!! none here.
I recieved a wedding invitation last week and it was to Worley plus guest. :( hits hone then!

You would be surprised how many single and coupled up people would love to hang out with you, to share, be supported and offer support, company and friendship for you if you create the right environment. Give yourself a good bit of space and time to do that maybe? Imagine the kind of household you want to run and start making it. You are your own master now. It's an enviable position. That guy is a messer. Guaranteed. Fill up your world with all the stuff you like whether it be books, films, sport, wine evenings with your pals, whatever. Enjoy yourself and your child. Maybe you will have a year or two relationship free. It's very relaxing really! Then you can start interviewing for a quality lover! You'll partner up with a man who's delighted and grateful to be with you as you are with him. But you might look back on your single years with nostalgia and pride. Be v v careful about this man. It would be terrible to spend a valuable year of your life being dicked around. He is def a dick and definitely not a potential partner. Bump his calls. You will feel better.

Worley I'm in Brighton, where are you? :)

Freeandhappy yes I'd like to do that. I feel like I Want to draw my friends in closer, but I'm not sure how to do this without seeming too needy.. I Feel so left out with my mum friends, when we get together they all faux moan about their partners, swap stories, etc. Makes me feel very lonely and sad. I'd love some more single mum friends (I only know 1, and were quite different) thank goodness for mumsnet!

Choc, the red flags for me are that he slept with someone else within 2 months of you seeing each other, a time when the relationship was fresh and at it?s most exciting! Then him not being emotionally intelligent (or honest) enough to know why he did it and ultimately not knowing what he wants. I think he?s still playing the field, out to have ?fun? ie no strings attached sex, and is just not that into you. Of course he?ll make sure he keeps stringing you along because he knows you like him and he might be able to pick up where he left off some time, if he feels like it that it. No, walk away. Better to be on your own than with a man like this as he could make you feel more shit than you do already. Concentrate on being less lonely with your female friends :)

I'm Norwich :( bit far!

Thanks winegoggles I know youre right. But it's a shit realisation :(
Being around Some of my mum friends makes me feel shit and more lonely too as it feels so apparent they have what I desperately want.. A solidovi g relationship. Do u thi k it would b a good idea to avoid these friends till I'm in in a better place? Or should I just grin and bear it?

Worley have some friends moving to Norwich soon.. Another smug loved up couple around for you