How should I handle this?

[TheOtherElizabethTaylor]

This is probably going to seem pretty pathetic compared to some of the posts on here, but would appreciate some perspective on a falling-out I've had with a v good friend.

We have known each other 6 years+, meeting when we had our first babies together. Since then, we have been pretty close, meeting up most weeks with the children - we have a regular slot where we get together every week and have both been there for each other through various ups and downs.

Quite out of character, my friend cancelled our planned meeting last week with a v short text, saying she was ill.Sent her a friendly text back saying hoped she felt better, and suggesting an alternative ... didn't hear back, so rang her the next day to check she was OK ... she sounded a bit distant, saying she wasn't well and just wanted to go to bed (at 10 in the morning?) - I suggested coming round but she put me off. I said I just wanted to be there for her, but she kind of cut me off.

I think she may be a bit depressed, as is unemployed at present and feeling a bit down about it...?

My husband's 40th was this weekend, and he had planned a big/special do, to which we had to limit the numbers of people because of the venue, but I had persuaded him to invite my friend and her DH as we are all mates. Inevitably, she left a message on Saturday morning saying she couldn't come ... didn't even bother speaking to me about it. Rang her, again to check in she was OK, but fear I came across a bit annoyed she hadn't let us know sooner, when she must have known she probably wouldn't be coming if ill - she ended up shouting at me and hanging up. I haven't heard from her since.

What should I do now? I feel really hurt/annoyed at what's happened, but it seems like she simply won't engage. I am fearful of geting in touch, in case I say the wrong thing ... What do you think is going on? I know she does have a bit of a tendency to fall out with people, but we've always been close and she has been there for me in the past, and vice versa .. as much as anything, our children are pretty close. What should I do?

go round and see her, dont ask if yu can go, just go and get it sorted....face to face.

If someone says they are feeling ill, I wouldn't find it unusual if they wanted to go to bed at 10 in the morning or any other time for that matter.

I'd give it a few days for the dust to settle and then go see her as Whippet has suggested - and maybe take her a bunch of daffodils?

Thanks guys - you're right, the only way to handle it is actually face to face. Nice gesture to take the daffs - at least then I know I've done all I can? It's really got to me - feel very much like I'm back at school ...

She might have had some shocking news that she's not ready to share. Illness, affair, etc. who knows. People sometimes react v strangely when they've had a shock.

I think going round is a good idea, as long as you do it gently and don't get upset with her if she behaves strangely.

I think you are bugging her. She cancelled first meet due to illness, same next day but you offered to go round and 'be there for her'. Ill people generally like to be left alone I find, to sleep, mope, veg out, whatever. As for the party, she most likely waited until the day of it to see if she was better, that's why it seemed late to notify you and for her trouble you were annoyed with her.

It's not all about you although you are in danger of making it so. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but I think you need to back off a bit. I have been ill and got no peace to deal with it from well meaning friends. It really is the last thing you want sometimes.

I must admit I'm terrible when I'm ill and if I cancelled a meeting with a friend because I was unwell then she texted, then called, then suggested coming over I'd probably think "oh just fuck off and leave me in peace would you!!". Likewise if I then thought the friend was being a bit funny about me not coming out for a social event when I was still unwell.

I think leave her alone for a week then as a pp suggested call over with a bunch of daffs.

There might be something going on that she's not ready or able to share.

I think the bunch of daffs and a knock on the door is a good idea. If she's ok then you know you're dumped. If she's not ok she might welcome the friendship.

Agree could be something else going on.

Great to get all views - I know people react differently to being ill, and I guess I was doing what I would like ie: being quite solicitous, but guess some people prefer space..

You sound like a nice friend to have TOET It's true though, some ill poeple just need to be alone.

Can I just say though, if you had to 'convince' your dh to invite friend as you are all friends, why was that so? I guess if you met her when having your child, she is more your friend than a couples friend? Is it possible that you are drifting apart as the kids age? It happens.

I like my space and especially if I'm feeling too rough to make any effort fo others.

Visit her unannounced and say something on the lines of 'I'm just off to shops/friend/other destination (which will take the pressure off her to invite you in unless she particularly wants to) and I''m popping by to give you my sincere apologies if I upset you on the phone last Saturday - I was frazzled over dh's birthday 'do' and so disappointed that you and

Yes, I think that could be part of it. We have had quite an intense friendship in the sense of the regularity of our meeting - and I realise that's something that goes with having young children, which almost inevitably has to fade as they get older.

It's funny but I have been feeling pretty sore about the situation, and today was when we would regularly meet up, and we didn't meet up this week - and although I've been feeling pretty rotten about the overall situation, I actually didn't miss seeing her as much as I thought ... I even felt a little bit liberated (although still hurt/confused)...Perhaps I have been holding on a bit too much, when actually it is time to change gears a bit?

I would NOT go round. She has fobbed you off. She is ill and wants to be left alone so LEAVE HER ALONE.

I would HATE it if someone came around after I had already cancelled plans and things. Leave her. Send her a text in a few days asking how she is feeling but give her space. I think you sound like you are maybe bugging her. I am sure you are well meaning but think you should just step back.

Good idea to make it a casual-seeming call, izzyizin - takes the pressure off. Thanks for all your posts - have really helped get some perspective.

There's no harm in taking your foot off the gas or changing down a gear as the road bends.

Make the gesture and see how it goes. If the main subject of accord/conversation is your dc, it may be time to meet up less frequently/regularly...