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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Starting to despise my husband

22 replies

foxymoron · 05/03/2012 18:09

We have been together since our teens. I'm now in my early 30s. Don't ask me why I have stayed with him all this time, I think it's because I've never had any self confidence or belief in myself. He used to be sweet and kind when we first met and I built his confidence up. But things started to sour when he slept with one of my friends when I was 18 (she went to visit him when he was at uni and failed to even mention this to me so it seemed like it was planned. Then he had an online relationship with some American girl in his early 20s. I caught him at it because I found the messages. To this day he denies it was anything more than friendship but it wasn't - she sent him a picture of a vagina - classy! He claimed it was just a joke... Yeah whatever. He must think I'm stupid. Then he started the really nice habit of calling me a 'dumb cow' or a 'dumb b1tch' when ever I did nothing to annoy him.

To be fair he hadn't done anything like that since then but the thing that is starting to get to me is tht when we argue he is starting to get more and more aggressive. He shouts really really loud in my face and I often end up in tears. We had an argument about 2 weeks after xmas and he did this and he REALLY frightened me that time. The thing is I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time and I later found out I had lost it at 6 weeks when I was about 10'weeks (missed miscarriage). I can't help but think that the stress might have made me lose my baby. Then this weekend just gone I nagged him about forgetting to tell me we were out of bread - he practically exploded and dragged me across from one end of the living room to the end of our hallway, all the while screaming at me as loud as he could.

I'm just starting to feel more and more unhappy being with him. But all my friends are married, most have children. Im devastated at the loss of my baby and I feel that if I leave him I will lose my chance at being a mum. I just don't think he has any respect for me. I spend more and more time at my mum and dads house and I think that is because I want to be around people that I know really give a damn about me.

I'm sorry for such a long self absorbed post. I'm just so depressed about this and don't feel like I have anything anymore.

OP posts:

UtherTheTerrible · 05/03/2012 18:18

I think he will continue getting more and more aggressive and this will escalate into violence. He's already dragged you across the room and screamed in your face, you have already felt genuine fear. I have read so many threads of this board where someone feels absolutely trapped because they have children with someone who has turned out to be angry and violent. It's horrible to read about. Don't let it happen to you. You might think it's a choice between children and breaking up but it doesn't have to be. People have babies at all stages of life and after divorces and relationships that have lasted years and years.

You can still go on to have children with someone who supports you, not a cheat who frightens you, calls you names and makes you depressed. If you have children with him you will be in a vulnerable position and it will get worse, not better. But there are so many men out there who are decent and loving and respectful, and can give you so much more. You have to give yourself a chance at being happy even if it feels risky.

izzyizin · 05/03/2012 18:25

You'd consider having a child with an abusive, violent, man?

You're only in your 'early thirties'. Divorce this twunt and give yourself time to rediscover yourself before you start looking for man who'll love, cherish, and respect you and who is worthy of fathering your dc.

something2say · 05/03/2012 18:26

Hiya, really sorry to hear all of that. Can I ask what you would like to do here and have you considered leaving him and starting again with someone else? I think that at your age you could easily meet someone who actually loves you and then get everything you want with him. BTW shouting really loudly at you would be classed as DV and so would feeling frightened of him.

StilettoJam · 05/03/2012 18:56

He is being abusive; its a big glorious wide world out there, life is short and I think you know you have to leave.

Don't spend any time thinking, maybe if I do things right he will stop; men like that are as rare as hens teeth.

Leave him

colditz · 05/03/2012 18:58

Early thirties gives you plenty of time to have a baby, and a baby deserves a father who doesn't beat its mother.

WitchOfEndor · 05/03/2012 19:03

Why would you want a child with this man? Do you think sleepless nights and a screaming baby would make him a calmer, happier person? If you are unhappy you need to leave him now, before you have the additional complications having a child with him brings. You still have time to find a nice man and start a family, don't settle for an abusive relationship.

PinkPeanuts · 05/03/2012 19:05

I think you know the answer to this really. This is not the kind of man you want to have a baby with and be tied to for the rest of your life. Take it from someone who knows.

ChitChatFlyingby · 05/03/2012 19:06

Oh please, please don't give a child a father like this!

This man is destroying your soul, his behaviour is escalating. Screaming at you, dragging you down the hall.....

Please leave while you are able to break ties completely, if you have a child with this man he will always be in your life.

Eurostar · 05/03/2012 19:14

"he practically exploded and dragged me across from one end of the living room to the end of our hallway, all the while screaming at me as loud as he could."

..and you want to bring a child into this home? It's time to stand up for yourself and find yourself. You helped your H build his confidence? Time to find your own.

Sorry that you are in this situation but the only thing that can make it change is you leaving it.

oikopolis · 05/03/2012 19:22

you cannot have a child with this man. Please don't do it. you are not safe with him and your child won't be safe either. 20% of women who die during pregnancy are murdered and the domestic violence rate against pregnant women is way way higher than it is for non-pregnant women.

Never mind the stress of a newborn. That's a whole other kettle of fish.

Don't worry about your friends or anything else. Pack a bag, leave, go to your parents. Don't settle for an abusive knob just because you've been with him for ages and you're afraid you won't find anyone else... it's better to be alone and happy than married and in fear for your safety!

Eurostar · 05/03/2012 19:27

just read what you said about not having anything - you have yourself, your family and I would bet you have people who want to be around you - probably you'd have more if you were able to blosom into the happiness you would feel by not living with a cheating partner who treats you in a way that could soon get him arrested.

Being in a couple is not the answer to happiness.

Heswall · 05/03/2012 19:29

Run for the hills

PufftyMagicDragon · 05/03/2012 19:33

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN.

Knowingly having a child with a man who know to be abusive is not a good idea! you shouldnt bring a child into that sort of environment its not good for the baby at all!

you still have plenty of chances at being a mum. get out while you can!

Jux · 05/03/2012 19:34

foxymoron, you do know that this is abuse, don't you? The shouting in your face, calling you names, intimidating you, let alone the dragging you around while screaming abuse at you.

This is a terrible situation for you to be in. Not simply because it is incredibly upsetting for you, but because it is dangerous. He used to just call you names, put you down, didn't respect you enough to remain faithful, but now he's screaming at you - right in your face - and become physical.

Can you see that his bad treatment of you is getting worse? Actually, I'm sure you can see it's getting worse, but can you admit it to yourself, and truly believe it?

You need to know that this will continue to get worse. He will become increasingly violent.

Did he know you were pregnant, incidentally?

fuckmybackiskillingme · 05/03/2012 21:03

Sweetheart, wake up !

You're in a crap relationship with a crap man. Life is too short for this nonsense. Just finish it, and start a new life.

NeshBugger · 05/03/2012 21:09

The relief when he is gone from your life will be immense, I promise you. And your life can start for real. Not this half life living in fear.

Get rid. Contact Women's Aid if needed.

creativepebble · 05/03/2012 21:21

You deserve better than this. It's simple.

He feels like you are a possession; you are not. He has belittled you and you probably feel lonely and without strength.

From somewhere, you NEED to find some courage. You MUST leave.

I promise you, early 30s is not the end. I became single in my 30s and not that much time has passed and I'm married with children. It's not perfect - nothing is, but I do not walk on eggshells and I don't live in fear. I have in the past and know what it is like.

Give yourself a chance. It's a risk you have to take for your own sanity if nothing else.

Good luck.

Deep breath and do it.

lambethlil · 05/03/2012 21:28

You deserve so much better. You are still young. Please don't have a child with him.

PeppaIsBack · 05/03/2012 21:31

foxy this is domestic violence.
Ring Women Aid and get some help to get out of this relationship.

You will not loose your chance to be a mum if you are early 30's. You still have 10 years in front of you! And would you really want to have a child with a man who is violent and will probably be violent towards him/her? Do you want that child to see his mum being dragged accross the room and being shouted at/insulted?

Ring Women Aid. They will be able to help you.

JustAnother · 05/03/2012 21:57

Please don't have a child with a man like this. You can get out now and be happy again. If you have a child, you'll be trapped for a long with a violent horrible man.

Lueji · 05/03/2012 22:20

So, you don't have any children yet with this man, right?

Do not. In fact, you would be better off having a child from a one night stand than with him.

Do leave while you can.

You are STILL in your early 30s and you have plenty of time to find a good man and have babies. :)

JazleEd · 05/03/2012 22:50

your still young! you can still be a mum, but not with a violent man.

leave. its the best way, dont think about him, do this for you.
hope your alright.

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