I don't know what to do.

[SCJV]

I've name-changed.

This morning I was on our computer looking for something (what a cliche) when I found a 'conversation' between DH and another woman. It was an instant messenger thing, not sure how it saved. It was from a year ago.

I idly glanced at it as I was sure it was innocent. In fact, I thought it couldn't possibly be DH writing it. It started off innocently, she was asking how DD is (by name). It then said did he want a pic. Even now I thought it was completely innocent. I didn't look at the pic, but underneath DH had said he wanted to 'bury his face there'.

I called him up and asked what it was. He told me that when he was younger he used to go on MSN a lot and talk to people. some of them were women and some who would sometimes send him naked photos. He would have been about 20 then and it was before we met so this doesn't bother me. What DOES bother me is that he'd obviously spoken to this person at least twice (he says only twice) since we got together and DD was born, this time and at least to tell her what DD was called. He said the first time they chatted as friends but this time he'd gone on to close the account and she'd messaged him then .

I feel sick. I don't know what to do. He was very, very upset and I don't doubt that he loves me and DD (nearly 2) but I just think he's a cunt. I am furious that he's done this.

I don't for one second think he's done this since or will again (really). But it's the fact he's done it at all that makes me feel terrible. I am considering leaving but I don't know if that's just the first rush of anger. I love him very much, he's an excellent husband and father in all other ways but is this too big to get over? Or am I over reacting?

I don't want to tell anyone IRL in case we sort this out. What are your opinions? Reading it back it seems like someone else's life.

Well, who knows. He may be lying, maybe not.

I do think it is worrying that he

"He told me that when he was younger he used to go on MSN a lot and talk to people. some of them were women and some who would sometimes send him naked photos."

My h didnt used to do this when he was younger, but after 17 years together he started, and every time I found a photo, about one a year, he said they were downloaded accidentally with music. It took me 5 years plus to find out that he used to go on yahoo when I was in bed, etc and lure women into sex chatting, probably hundreds, about 4 a month is what he admits to, on average, but up to twice a week with different women.

So:

• why did he used to do it

-does he stay up after you are in bed

• why did he save it
• is he secretive in other ways
• does he lie

-does he use this to relieve stress in life (a very bad sign if he does, as it is about addiction)

Poor you; I really identify with the horror of finding out.

Well he had to admit to at least two messages because that was what you could prove, wasn't it?

And that's the bottom line. He is only admitting to what you can prove. It is of course more probable that there are other conversations and other activity that you don't know about. He is upset not because of what he did, but because he has been caught.

If there's any hope of moving forward with this, you need the truth about what he has done and next you need to find out WHY he is doing it.

Nothing else will work, I'm afraid. You must have had a horrible shock and for that you have my sympathy.

Oh Shit. I don't know what to think.

I don't think he saved it on purpose (I know it sounds naive). He seemed absolutely shocked to see it, it wasn't saved as such, it came up in the finder when I typed in for the thing I wanted. He is absolutely not secretive. We spend all our spare time together or with our close friends and he works for the family business so I know he's never 'unaccounted for' (I know that sounds controlling and it isn't, I just don't know how else to describe it). He does stay up after I go to bed, but doing DIY, ironing etc (not stupidly late, I just turn in early).

I know if I was reading this I'd think "the poor cow is deluded", but this is what I thought/think.

I'm sure he didn't save it on purpose! I expect his shock is because that didn't get deleted in the normal way and he regards it as an oversight he's made and is kicking himself for his stupidity in not getting rid of the evidence.

None of us can account for what someone else does with their time 24/7, but I'd be surprised if he wasn't on his PC late at night after doing other chores. That's fine if it's safe, non-threatening stuff but he found the time to have the conversations you found, didn't he?

Look at this logically. Women don't send naked pictures of themselves completely unsolicited do they? Yet he told you that 'sometimes women would send him photos' as though this was something they did unilaterally and without encouragement. What you can prove is that while in a relationship with you and after having your DD, he asked a woman to send him a naked photo, she obliged and he replied that he wanted to bury his face somewhere in her body. From that point on, further conversations were deleted.

It didn't stop there did it? In the unlikely event that the woman, having sent a photo that invited a response then didn't like his answer - she would have replied, wouldn't she?

So in summary their conversation went like this...

OW: Hi, how's your DD.
DH: Great
OW: Want a picture?
DH: Yes
OW: Picture (presumably showing at the very least a little cleavage??)
DH: I want to bury my face there.

End of conversation, absolutely no further contact at all between them.

I'm sorry but I think there's more to it.

To clarify, the conversation was a bit longer but I didn't read it all.

Well, I've got through work without breaking down, so that's an achievement. I just don't know what to do. I haven't eaten all day and I feel sick.

I just hate him for making me feel like this.

"He was very very upset"...yeah I bet he was...upset at being caught!

Oh dear, I do feel for you. This will sound cynical but I know that many men in this situation will lie and lie no matter what, short of hard proof they deny things.

What are you going to do? I wouldnt say its something I would necessarily leave over but I can imagine you feel very hurt and sick about this. Maybe if you can try and talk calmly and explain how he's made you feel and give him the opportunity to admit if there were further messages. I think it's cheesy of him to have shared info about your DD to someone who he was clearly only there to perve over (sorry if that's harsh).

Lots of people have a flirt and maybe this was his equivalent of going out and having an overly flirty conversation with someone he found attractive? Something I'm sure lots of people in relationships are guilty of from time to time?

Hope you are OK and that you can get things sorted out.

I agree with what too easily tempted has just said. I think there is more to it. It might be sexual banter online. Some men don't seem to see the harm in that. I actually caught my own DH doing it but that was when we were at uni 10 years ago. And tbh we were going through a bad patch at the time. But it is one thing to be doing this sort of thing when you are a student at unim quite another when you are married with children nd I can understand why this has shaken you. Don't let him get away with denying it but at the same time like I said he might see it as a bit of harmless fun. Dont forget either that the other woman has played a part in ths too. How dare she come along and play games with your marriage. When I caught my DH out I managed to hack into his computer and have an online conversation with the ow to try and gauge to what extent this had gone on. She had also sent him a disgusting picture of her lady parts. And yet to this day he won't admit it was anything more than a 'friend' the pig!