sex after childbirth

[RVF400]

How long did it take you to get back to "normal"?

I had a ventouse + episiotomy delivery 7 months ago, not great (2 hrs pushing) but could have been a lot worse. In theory I recovered well, but I still find sex quite painful and consequently DH and I have only had sex a handful of times in the last 7 months.

I have spoken to a doctor at our family planning clinic about it and she told me it could take up to a year before it's pain free ! (She did check that there was nothing obvious wrong with me too)

DH has been pretty understanding about it until recently, but I think I'm now just putting sex out of my mind entirely as I'm just not enjoying it. The only times I agree to have sex is when I know we've got plenty of time so we can take it really slow (i.e. not often, with a 7mo). Otherwise I get uptight before we even start which just makes it worse .

I'm really unhappy about it and I know DH is starting to wonder if I'm making it up and that really I just don't want to.

Any advice?

I think 'normal' changes after kids and after healing/experiences like this. I had ventouse and bad tearing after DD1 (same kind of thing) and we didn't have sex for 10 months and after that it took a very very long time to become regular.

I did end up going back to the GP because of the pain and she referred me back to the hospital who redid my scar/stitching, there wwere very few problems after that - worth exploring again/second opinion? It doesn't seem right to be so sore still?

I had stretching exercises to do as well so I think some of it was healing tissue (sorry!) pain. More KY? If it's libido led, perhaps chat to GP as well, could help?

Not sure that's very helpful tbh but didn't want this to go unanswered. you are not alone!

Thanks for sharing your experience. Can I ask what you mean by stretching exercises? The doctor I saw did say that it was probably a sore patch of scar tissue that needed time to soften up, so I'm wondering if that might help.

I know I really should chat to my GP about this but every time I go to our surgery I end up seeing someone different, so I know I would feel very uncomfortable discussing it.

I asked my friend this same question the other day and she said after two months and then as frequently as three times a fortnight, my response was "oh dear". I was asking because I guess I was starting to feel if we were not normal and it made me feel worse.

We started having sex again about 8 weeks after DD was born and have probably done it four or five times since, she's now almost 17 weeks. Although DH is hugely understanding because I do still find it a bit like being a virgin again I feel this pressure to get everything back to normal now. Then add in the sheer exhaustion of looking after a mimi me all day, lack of time for grooming ones self and you're just about to give it a go and the baby wakes up and it's no suprise that it doesn't happen as much as it used to.

I don't have any experience of ventouse or an episiotomy but what I would say that is so long as you talk to your DH about it (and keep talking) it should reassure him to know that you haven't gone off him or that you do plan to do it again eventually. Don't you think that if you were a man (and had no idea what your woman had gone through) that you would be wondering if this was all normal or if she had just gone off him. Talking is definitely the way forward. I would also suggest a few glasses of wine!

Took months to get back to 'normal'. Had 3rd degree tear and forceps delivery. Also had manual removal of the placenta, which took a long time to get over mentally (I say a long time, DD is 2 next week and I'm still not over 'that' happening)

I don't get the whole 'DH is being understanding' thing though - as far as I'm concerned there's nothing to 'be understanding' about. They don't need sex any more than we do, and when they create a baby then it should be pretty much a given that it could well take a long time - months or even years in some cases - to recover from pushing half a stone or so of person out of a vagina regardless of any birth injuries, or in the light of the broken sleep, leaky boobs etc. If I'd have seen my DH go through birth, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he didn't seem interested in anything remotely sexual.

I had a baby by planned c-sec nearly 10 months ago, so obviously had no damage downstairs, but sex was uncomfortable until 9 months post-partum. It's still not completely back to normal but very nearly now.

I think the post-natal hormones don't help. I still breast-feed, so the b/f hormones make things more difficult too. I recently cut down to one b/f per day, so that might explain why it's easier now.
Maybe it's nature's way of preventing another conception soon after childbirth!

Stretching exercises were perineal massage over 360 degrees, pretty much. I also had physio assistance with lots & lots of kegals. It really did help everything feel more normal again and it also helped me regain confidence that I wasn't 'broken' IYSWIM?

Tore with both DD2 and DS1 since then but never had then same pain. I do wonder if the doctor who stitched me that first time did a crap job. The redo job hardly hurt at all.

However, sex was not on the agenda for about 5 months the second time and 3 months the third time so I don't want to be giving you the impression that we were all swinging from the chandeliers on subsequent occasions etc. Nooooooo, looking after newborns, nursery and school runs and feeding small children tends not to be all that sexy!

I tore upwards and through my labia :( it took about 2 and half months before i could have sex. plenty of lube helped loads as did taking it easy.

we had sex whenever ds was alseep and there werent guests over pretty much.

however not sure thats gonna be possible when dc2 arrives

It took about a year for sex to be totally pain-free for me after DC1. I had an episiotomy and forceps delivery. It wasn't the perineum that was the problem but internal wall damage. Different positions made a big difference to the pain/discomfort levels, so worth exploring that gently (missionary was the most painful thing for me!). It did get a lot better from about the 8 month point, though. Weekend day time naps were when we rediscovered our sex life - we knew DD would sleep for at least an hour and I wasn't totally knackered as I often was at the end of the day. Taking it slow and lube helped too..

DS (DC2) is now 19 weeks and sex has been pain free from the 8 week point. Well, I'm not sure we've tested the theory enough for me to be confident, but it's a world away from how it felt after DD1!

Having sex is supposed to help the internal scar tissue heal with more flexibility. Not helpful, but sort of worth knowing. And I don't know about anyone else but my libido is at floor level while breastfeeding, getting up 3/4 times a night and running around after a nearly 3 year old all day as well as looking after a young baby. But I know I'll get back there - it's all very short term in what's hopefully a very long term relationship.

It does get better, hang in there..

Some really insightful posts, thanks everyone. I'm feeling less worried about it now, knowing that I'm not alone.
We have had sex twice in the last fortnight and it's actually been much better: not completely pain free, but a significant improvement so I think there's light at the end of the tunnel!
Fundamentally, I wasn't really communicating it to DH properly I think. He knew I was hurting, which worried him, but apart from that I was pretty much just shutting it out, mainly through fear it might never improve I suspect. We've talked a lot more about it and that has really helped.
Will be trying the massage lucia!