Not spending time together :( no common interests

[BlueRonda]

I'm 33. I've been with DP for 10 years, got together after I left a mental/physical abusive 2 year relationship. In this time he has supported me and let me be 'me'. We never really had a lot of intimacy, and at first for a while I didn't think anything of that - tbh I was still hurting from my last relationship (where sex was actually good despite the relationship being hurtful etc), and looking back, it took me a long time to get over that. I'd even say it overshadowed my relationship with DP. We didn't do any of the normal stuff, like dating etc, we just seemed to see each other, and then I moved in with him. It felt right at the time.
Early on in our relationship I told him that I felt we didn't have much physical intimacy, but he didn't think it was a problem. We didn't spend much time together, in fact I can't remember us doing anything that was 'fun'. I am a musician and a male friend I met through a friend at work asked me if I'd like to play some stuff with him and basically perhaps do some gigs with him. I really enjoyed myself. DP was fine with this - music isn't his thing, but he was more than happy for me to be doing this. Being with this male friend highlighted to me that DP and I were not having fun or not spending quality time together.
I ran a mile from this male friend - meanwhile while telling my DP I thought we had to invest in our relationship more for togetherness and intimacy, sex etc. We agreed to do this, and I fell pregnant, but things didn't really change. We have a beautiful DS who is 2.5 now, but I can't shake the feelings of loneliness inside my relationship. I fear we don't have any chemistry - because we never actually had any in the first place. I feel stupid for staying this long, but looking back I have felt security and love, and equality - but I have always been given plenty of space to do my own thing. I keep harping on about me wanting us to do things together - and he thinks we do, but we just don't. The last time we were out together was nearly a year ago for his birthday, and it was as quick as we could eat and get back home.
These feelings have been surfacing in me for years, and now I just feel scared to admit I made a mistake by not heeding my own warning signs.
He is such a wonderful man, would do anything for me - but he just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me, or me with him :( We are just like flatmates and I honestly cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Am I asking too much?

I didn't think this should go unanswered, Ronda, but will have to keep it short.

No, you're not asking too much of a relationship. Your life partner, if you have one, should be someone you feel close to emotionally & physically and with whom you share a life. But you're asking too much of him. Some people just don't do closeness very well. That's fine if they're paired together, but leads to one-sided misery if they hook up with a more emotionally complex individual.

I'm just saying what you think, really, aren't I??

Have you done any counselling around your previous abusive relationship? Did you hold back from DP in the early years?

Thank you for answering my post. I did counselling at the time, which gave me strength to break up with abusive partner. I don't think I held back from DP in the early years, but probably I was still very emotionally scarred and shouldn't have entered into anything so soon. I feel guilty as DP really is such a supportive man, but he just wants me to be happy. I yearn for us to spend time together, have a laugh, do what I perceive other 'normal' couples do - but we just don't have it, I think I know what I must do, it's the whole breaking up a home life etc but if I keep on going the way I am, I may be tempted to receive my affection and attention elsewhere which is the last thing I want.

Does DP know the full extent of your feelings? The loneliness? Your fears about having a future together?

I be tempted to sit down and seriously spell it out to him how you really feel (including all the upsetting stuff about your future together). And what it means if he doesn't want to work on it.

You obviously think alot of him and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. :(

That's hard Blueronda. I was with DH for 13 years until last year. I still love him very much, but only as a friend and the father of DCs. I do wonder how long we've just been friends and not lovers. Actually now I see that more clearly I feel grief for the years I missed out on the potential for more. In my situation we got together as I graduated and he was very steady, a real rock for me. Always has been. In a way he's hard to fault. He's kind, a good man and very steady. I grew up in quite a difficult family environment, my mum was mentally ill & raged at me, so he gave me a real safety whilst we developed careers and had babies. But then I grew (partly thanks to him), I found a more passionate and loving side to myself but he couldn't share that. His world is logic, he lives well within his skin. I realised that he could not see the unfolding parts of me, did not want to and I resigned myself to satisfying my need for intimacy and being loved by my friends. It was fine, kind of. Flattened me a bit maybe. Then last year I fell head over heels in love with a colleague. He's not free so it's not possible with him but it made me realise how much I longed to really feel loved, desired and be treated tenderly. It ended my marriage. I don't really have an answer for you, but I recognised parts of my story in yours. I remain on very good terms with my ex, the kids have been fine. I am single, but I hope that I will find someone and in the meantime my life doesn't, in many ways, feel that different. In a way my falling in love was not a good plan, but I do feel a bit like it was wise in a deeper way, like a long buried part of me burst for freedom. I guess some people stay married with someone they do not feel so close to and I suppose it avoids the pain of separation. I realise there are big compromises with each choice really.

Lumpy I believe that over the years I have had the talk with him re not doing anything together, to which he replies 'yes we do' but we honestly don't. He just can't see it. He is so kind to me in the way that I now feel like I am running a separate life from him, because he doesn't want to do anything, and even when we do - I don't enjoy it :( I had a very tough pregnancy and afterwards with recovery from severe back problems, he looked after me. He is my complete rock and makes me feel safe in every way, except I don't feel the intimacy and physical side of our relationship, and as I said earlier, I am not sure there has ever been that connection there. I told him again before Christmas that I wasn't sure I saw a future together, and he didn't say much. I think he thinks I am just getting stuff off my chest again. He did say he would try, but he hasn't.

worldwithwings I really see myself in your situation too. I think I might have already made up my mind to leave him, 10 years is enough. As you said you were grieving what you believed you were missing out on, I am too. I fear that I will wait another 10 years and have missed out on some fun times with a partner who actually wants to do things with me. It's a shame isn't it? I am sure you feel better in the knowledge that you are free to find another who you can enjoy life with? I know I'm not through the separation part yet, I just don't know how to start or broach the subject again. It's on my mind 24/7 at the moment :( I also feel I have grown because of him, and it makes me feel sad that he seems stuck in a place where he says we do actually do things, but really we just don't. It's probably going to break his heart for me to make the final push here, but it's breaking mine if I don't.
Thanks xx

Blueronda, you're right I do feel better in the knowledge that I'm now free to find another I can enjoy my life with. It's really liberating and exciting in many ways. I also feel relief that my life feels more truthful and I'm not having to hold my marriage intact/ hold myself together. This is made massively easier by how understanding STBXH was about it. Part of his steadiness and qualities.

I did find the separation painful, really painful, and it might be worth you knowing I had many moments of doubts where I lost sight of why we were separating. Luckily my friends held onto the bigger picture for me & answered my repetitive questions and need for reassurance. In the fear of separation I got scared that my life would return to how it was when I got together with H and that without him I was always going to be afraid. Like I'd given up all safety. But now that initial fear (for the most part) has subsided I know I am still me as I am now and I get stronger still. I feel more myself. I also know for certain it has been the right thing and I'm grateful to the part of me that burst for freedom without my having a conscious plan. If I never meet someone who loves me as I wish, my life is still better. But more and more I feel sure I will do, one day...

I really wish you the best of luck. You have courage, I can tell by your post.