I can't believe I'm still up waiting for him!

[NewYearsDaysie]

DH went out at 7.15 to a brewery tour. Texted me at 11 to say would it be OK to go off to some other bars for an hour or so afterwards. He always asks bit sad really cos what am I going to say? 'No I'm a misreable cow who doesn't want you to have fun get your sorry arse back here now'
Not bothered about the time he's out til (no worries about other women etc) but I'm worried about how much he'll drink. He used to drink ALOT before he met me but now rarely has any. Doesn't go out much and has the odd can in the house.
I asked him today not to go mad tonight as i'm worried about the effect it can have on his health.
My lovely Grandad has just been diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver and bowel cancer that they can't do anything about because of complications due to the cirrhosis. Tried explaining how I feel about him stressing his body with binging and how damaging it can be to him but he basically said don't worry I don't go out much, I'm going to be pissed, deal with it. Am I expecting too much for him to calm his drinking down a bit when he does go out (which admittedly isn't that often but is massive when he does hangovers and in bed til 4pm the next day type of drinking) sorry long drivelling.

You said yourself he rarely drinks or goes out so lay off him a bit and allow him the odd night where he can be pissed up. As long as he isn?t rolling in absolutely bollocksed every weekend at 4am, I wouldn?t worry about it. :)

He's not likely to forget where he lives and he'll roll eventually so get your beauty sleep, honey - and take yourself off out somewhere nice later today while he's getting his.

that should read 'roll home eventually' - obviously, he's already rolling but don't fret, he'll fetch up with the dawn chorus.

Honestly not bothered if he comes in pissed usually think its just touched a nerve with me at the moment and it just felt a little bit like he was being dismissive of my feelings today iyswim? Only found out about my Grandad a couple of weeks ago and its alcohol thats to blame (Grandad was teetotal til he was in his late 30s btw which puts DH half way through the same sort of drinking DG used to do) Its just raw and although he's begged me to tlak about it and how I'm feeling so he can support me, when it comes to doing something practical just today to make me feel better thats different. arghhhhhh...I#m being a cow I know I should just let him have a hangover and take our 3 DCs out tomoro til he's had his hangover. Wonder of DMum would mind us descending on her with all 4 of us snotting all over the place (3 kids 5 and under and theor mother all sneezing and coughing and full of snot..aren't I painting a lovely picture of my family)

Obviously it's a raw subject for you at the moment, but if he only gets ratarsed a couple of time a year try not to project your worst fears onto him as the effect on his health is likely to be merely temporary incapcitation - albeit with an accompanying temporary promise of 'never again' to himself.

The picture you've painted of your family could be a snap of any during the winter months - if you've got a forebearing dm I'm sure she'll be willing to dispense the tissues and Sunday lunch if you're lucky

It is not acceptable for your DH to be out for all of that time, especially when he has a wife and three children at home.

You're talking about 8 hours of drinking, which is impossible for anyone without them becoming comatose.

Don't put up with this! My XH was an alcoholic. Kids hardly ever saw him sober or awake when they were young!

Tropamo....that's utter rubbish.

My mother was an alcoholic - and if she'd stuck to an occasional can at home and a binge once every few months she'd be alive today.

OP, don't worry. He really will be fine, he's not drinking nearly enough to affect his liver. I can see why you're touchy about it at the moment, but you really have nothing to panic about.

Thanks for the replies. I decided to give him a break like some of you suggested. He came in at 3.35 steaming drunk. I laughed asked if it was good, said 'hmm you said you were going out for an hour....four hours ago with a smile and a jokey nudge NOT AT ALL MISREABLY then he was suddenly, like I'd flipped a switch, demanding to know WHY I'd stayed up to see him, totally turned everything I said against e, told me I was misreable, apparently our philosophies on getting drunk don't 'mesh' anymore. Then he got really arsey and was punctuating his why? In a question with hitting the sofa. I decided to leave him to it whereupon he shouted up the stairs for me to Fuck off'....and woke my DD (fortunately not the older two I have no idea how I'd have handled that at 4in the morning - yes darlings daddy's being a twat let's just ignore him' !!!!!) Arghhhhhhh! There was more but I'm just moaning now. I know I should have just gone to bed at 12 and left him to it but I thought it would be nice to have someone up apparently I was wrong. It's a horrible thing to do. Grrrrrrrr .(

What a weird and unreasonable reaction from your DH.

There's no point trying to have a serious conversation with anybody that drunk! Problems will come if you don't feel safe or like he can't control his anger when drunk - but otherwise, just leave him to sleep it off. Hope it turns out okay.

DP turns into an arsehole when he feels confronted too (usually while drunk). Let the bastard sleep it off and wait for an apology. If one doesn't come ask him about his night and see if it jogs his memory.

I'm a sucker for waiting up for my DP too (and usually regretting it).

He goes out occassionally and gets rip roaring pissed. Honestly, so what? It's not a big deal if only once in a while.

I think you need to brutally honest without yourself about your motivations because you sound a bit controlling. The fact that he asks you if he can go out isn't 'sad' it is worrying as he may be on egg shells and frightened of your reaction.

Fair point proud maybe I am controlling ... I've never thought I was but I know I'm quite high maintenance with some massive self esteem issues which I'm having help with. I'm probably just feeling hard done by after being ill, looking after the kids they've all been ill, and having some stress over DSD having issues at the moment (massive can of worms) You're right he does deserve to go out and have a good time. But about the asking...he would expect me to ask and do what he wanted and just extends me the same courtesy. He's not walking on eggshells....I don't have an issue with him going out just drinking so much he's incapacitated for the entire next day. I suppose its cos I wouldn't do that so think he shouldn't so you're right...maybe I am controlling.

Why did you sit up and wiat for him????

I waited for him cos if I go out he waits up for me and its nice. I didn't wait up to make comments. I also have insomnia sometimes and don't sleep for a couple of days and last night I didn't feel tired. I seriously was nice and asked if he'd had a nice time. I was watching a detective thing on tv and sewing. I was quite enjoying myself to be honest.

I've had a think ... You're right I'm needy and controlling. I'll wait til he gets up and I'll apologise for waiting up I can see how that could come across as being confrontational. He doesn't go out much and I shouldn't project my fears onto him. Thanks for your help.

Don't be ridiculous. In what way are you needy and controlling? You were a bit daft waiting up for him, when you have to deal with the children today, but that isn't confrontational or needy or controlling.

Don't you dare apologise! Just tell him that you couldn't sleep and thought you'd stay up so you could have a chat and a cuddle.

What imperial said.
Don't apologize, I stay up for my Dh, especially when I have been given a rough time of him being home and 3 hours later I am still waiting.
He probably won't even remember what happened.

Don't you dare apologise for staying up.
He is an ungrateful twat. I hope when he does waken up he apologises to you for his rant. That was unacceptable.
And as to telling you to fuck off...well That in itself is totally unacceptable

Right had a chat. He's mortified with what he did. He offered to leave as I shouldn't feel frightened in my own home. He apologised. I apologised for being a nag and he said I had nothing to apologise for. Turns out he'd been drinking something called desperados (Stella and tequila ....nice combo!) He's gone back to bed now as he's tired.

Right, good - I'm glad he's apologised.

You don't sound needy and controlling at all. You sound like a stressed out Mum of young children who can do with some support from her DH at the weekend rather than him being AWOL in bed all day on a Sunday with a steaming hangover. And who can certainly do without abuse at 4am.