Has anyone ever told their mum what they really think about them...

[Catsnoise]

... and had a positive outcome?

Bit of background - I didn't have a terrible childhood, I wasn't abused or anything, but in the scheme of things it wasn't good. I don't remember much praise, encouragement, love or affection, but I remember a lot of criticism, coldness, shouting, and humiliation. I've never spoken to my mum about it and we have an okay relationship now, but it's beginning to dawn on me just how much baggage I am carrying around regarding this. It's getting worse as my dds are at the age where I remember a lot of negativity in my childhood, and it's really coming home to me how badly treated I was. There's not a day goes by when I don't think about things that happened to me as a child.

Dh is great, he talks to me about my childhood and would happily listen while I poured out all my anger (but I think I would bore myself, never mind him ). But he honestly believes that I will never have "closure" on this unless I confront my mum herself and tell her just how much damage she did to me and my self-esteem.

Thing is, I don't really think this will help. I think it would just hurt her terribly and wreck the relationship we have now, with no tangible benefits. I don't think I would feel better because the anger I feel now would be replaced by guilt for upsetting her!

Not sure if anyone can offer any advice or whatever, but it may help me just to chat round the subject.

BTW, I am a regular but I have changed my name as my mum knows my mn name.(Clue in the name though!)

I had a completely crap mum, and I've spent alot of time/energy trying to get past it.

But, there are many days I think that I too might have been a really crap mum if

• I had had children as young as she did
• If I had married a lifelong alcoholic as she did
• If I didn't have access to lots of emotional/practical guidance in the form of relevant parenting books, dear friends who listen and support me, a good therapist, and Mumsnet to ask advice/vent.

I don't want to continue to suffer the repercussions of her crap parenting any longer so have committed to long term analysis which has helped tremendously. I hope I can learn from her mistakes, and that I will not repeat them with dd.

Do I feel the need to confront her with evidence/accusations of how crap she was? Not any longer. I know that it wouldn't change anything, and would wound her deeply. I'm just glad that I have been able to take steps to learn to be a different type of parent. It's sad for me, but to be honest, I think it's much sadder for her.

Catsnoise, my history with my parents is more-less exactly the same as yours. They have treated me horribly - emotional and physical abuse all the time (smacking, beatings etc.) and they, to this day, maintain they have done nothing wrong and that I "turned out alright". The truth is, my confidence is zero, and I am quite depressed most of the time. I have treated my dd (now 2.6) completely differently, and so far it's been great. One instance of my parent's "good bringing up example" is me being bullied in school. I was tormented in school - beaten etc. - for about 6-7 years. I never had any real friends, I was very quiet as a result of all the abuse in school. I, naturally, told my parents and soon wished I never did - they said "you are bullied because you don't know how to make friends. You're a wimp". In the end, I didn't get the help and support I needed, I, so to speak, got bullied and ridiculed at home as well. I also remember when I was around 4-5 I was playing outside, and this kid threw sand in my eyes and kicked me. I went home, crying, told my parents, my dad went out with me to find the kid, and when I pointed out who he was, my dad beat me up - reason? "He was smaller than you, you should have been able to defend yourself"... I could go on, examples are endless. I have brought things up with my mother on several occassions, but it she'd always turn things around, and we wouldn't be on speaking terms for year or two (we live in different countries now so that's becoming easier now). She came to "help" when my dd was born, but stayed only 2 days (instead of a month) - because I told her I lost a gracelet which she "believes" she gave me... and apparently, it's disrespectful of me to lose it (I'm so organised my dh says I have OCD - I have no idea which bracelet she's on about, but I never had it). We haven't spoken since as everytime she calls, she expects things to be her way, and that I have to listen to her as "she's the mother and I'm the child". What can I say? We're two different people and I resent too many things to forgive and forget. I doubt we'll ever speak again.

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No not a positive outcome i'm afraid just complete and utter denial from her which has wound me up even more.
Since DD#1 was born nearly six years ago I have tried, i really have but today i've thrown in the towel, she will never be the mother i want or deserve and tbh I can't deal with the constant disappointment.
Not sure what advice to give you other than be twice the mother to your girl.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I have been thinking a lot about this over the past few days. I think for now I am going to go down the letter route (but not send it!) - it might just help me if I can write down everything I feel and the hurt and anger I have about it. Counselling would be fantastic, but I doubt I could get it on the NHS, and paying for it is OOTQ.

Dior, you are very much in a similar position to me - only I don't feel I have forgiven my mum. She was round to see me today, and I thought, I do love you very much, and I like the person you are now, but I still can't walk away from what happened to me as a child. really.

Thank you all for your comments and for sharing your experiences - it helps a lot.

Whether you talk to your mum depends on the type of person she is. The fact that she was able to be introspective when your baby was born shows potential. My mum was like this - made comments now and then showing some awareness of having badly treated me in past but quickly moved on so as to avoid me confirming this! I eventually summoned up the courage. She was hurt and made excuses and she didn't exactly admit I was right (she's very stubborn) but over time she has admitted she treated me badly. More importantly, I feel so much better now that I have off loaded the baggage and can enjoy a stronger relationship with her. We rarely look back now but I would still feel resentful if I hadn't raised these issues with her. Wish you lots of luck whatever you decide xx

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