'D'P- "I won't wash the pots because you didn't have sex with me"

[OneBakedBean]

Namechanged for this thread... I am nearing the end of my pregnancy, huge, uncomfortable, moderate SPD, grumpy as my arse etc...... And my partner has been badly ill with flu recently, so he's been off work but not 'helping' out as such whilst at home.

I asked him to fetch our eldest from school, and he justifiably moaned and tried to get out of it due to being ill, so I jokingly said "If you do it and save me the job, I will give you a 'voucher' for something (wink wink nudge nudge)" meaning a light hearted pretend 'voucher' he could swap for sex/sexual contact of whatever sort with me....and started laughing. I eventually couldn't find my car key, so he had no choice but to go in his car, which I'm not insured for so I couldnt borrow it. I did apologise, as he has had a horrible week of clearly being ill and shitty-feeling, but needs must.

The voucher thing sounds stupid, and silly, and lighthearted, yes? Except when I refused sex this morning with him, didnt even have any stupid voucher idea on my mind because it didnt occur to me, after I'd woken up with SPD pain and leg cramps, plus DC playing in hallway, he firstly tried for ten minutes to sort of get me to 'let him' fuck me, eg. trying to literally shove it in whilst I was attempting to doze off then snapped "fuck off then, I'm sick of you making promises and never keeping them, I'm not going to wash those pots now" (there was yesterdays pots waiting for him as he had left them till today, he normally does them about twice a month.)

I thought he must be joking, as that is so ridiculous a thing to say?! But nope, I have stood there and washed these fucking pots, all the while detesting myself for some undefined feeling of rage, feeling like a scivvy or sexual object, I said to him that a voucher doesn't mean he can have sex with me regardless of if I want it or not, I meant it in a fun, lighthearted way

So, basically, after that long-windedness, am I being stupid and overreacting? To put it mildly, I feel like it was irrelevant that I didnt want to have sex, he saw the stupid 'voucher' thing in a much different way to what I'd intended

You are not overreacting; he was/is being a twat. That's all there is to it, really - but that doesn't help you with how you deal with it in the long term, I'm afraid

Can you tell him that he's behaving like a teenage boy and that that's not really acceptable in a grown man with children?

I was unbelieving initially; it was just a daft sort of comment, yet he's taken it to mean he can 'have what he wants' I'm the first to admit I'm not feeling too interested in sex at the minute). Just made me feel like an idiotic woman who would accept such a thing, and made me feel like I should know my place- at home washing the stupid pots, evidently

Buy a dishwasher and tell him to go fuck himself.

Sorted. Next!

Fucking horrible.

Ask him if he wants you to lose all respect for him, and as a result actually never want to have sex with him again. No? Then he can start pulling his sight and stepping up to the plate, as a man with a pregnant and in pain wife should.

Yuck. He's grim.

You do realise he tried to rape you, don't you? I am so sorry.

Seriously, this man sounds horrible. You deserve better than to be treated like that.

Is he serious? Surely washing the pots is more likely to put you in an appreciative mood (wink wink nudge nudge). Also explain that you cannot possibly wash pots due to not having arms long enough to stretch passed bump. He is being unreasonable!

As I recall, Cynthia Payne used to a run a sex for vouchers scheme - but it didn't provide for punters to empty their balls any time it suited them.

Tell him to read the small print on your IOU A Fuck vouchers which says 'barring accidents, emergencies, civil unrest, acts of god including tiredness, and to be redeemed only when I'm in the mood'.

izzy

the crunch See, grim is exactly how it made me feel. Things have come to light recently where I've realised his favourite porn involves women being utterly unequal, where the man has all the power, and humiliation etc which makes it hard for me to continue our normal sex life, knowing he gets off on such things in a disattached manner when I'm not there. So the voucher joke was an attempt for me to lighten up in the face of all this and not let it dominate things, yet all thats come of it is a horrible spitefulness, v unsettling.

Sounds like a bad joke doesn't it though, the whole pot-washing crap, god how utterly mundane and depressing it's made me feel. Can't put my finger on exactly what's pissing me off so much about it.

Kick him in the balls repeatedly until he crys then jump him and ask him if he'sin the mood ??? - I suffered awful Spd in 3 of the 4 pregs and lying there doing nothing is excruciating so sex is the last thing on your mind. Im lucky that DH understood (although it might have been the fact I needed to use crutches and a wheelchair that made it a bit more obvious to him)

He's being childish because he's frustrated, I know I get shitty if Im up for it and DH isn't.

Perhaps it's annoying you so much because it doesn't feel right to use sex as a currency in transactions about household duties?

And you used it as currency too. Perhaps you both need to cut out that aspect, as it's fraught with potential for misunderstanding.

Aw jeez, you've got to nip him this in the buds, honey.

If he doesn't ditch his porn habit and start living in the real world with the real woman who is his wife, I can't see that your marriage is going to be anything other than a trial by ordeal for you as you'll feel increasingly demeaned by his attitude and his behaviour.

Frankly, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

Wow! I can't believe you washed the pots! In my house they'd sit there until hell froze over.

I don't think I could have respect for a man who treated me like an object to be used for his sexual gratification.

He doesn't see you as an equal, just someone to sort him out when he's feeling horny... or wash the pots. Plus he has no sense of humour. I'm sure he does have redeeming features but it's not clear what they might be...

His behaviour definitely isnt on. He should be helping you out but maybe ut seemed a bit like teasing? He should have been clever enough to work out that he couldnt have it when he drcided he wanted it though and be a bit more considerate of you.

yes to the point made about using the 'voucher' as currency, in retrospect it does present sex as a thing to just take I suppose? I really thought he knew it was just a throwaway comment though, as I've said to him I'm probably not up for sex until the SPD fecks off after baby's here. Which he was fine about.

izzy you are spot on with the 'feeling demeaned' aspect of the porn, before finding out about that, this issue would have probably meant less to me. I feel like a rambling pregnant fool, nothing is as clear as it would normally be in my head! But now it's entangled itself with loads of other issues, all boiling down to a disrespectful attitude towards the worth of women I guess.

abbierhodes See, once upon a time I would have left the pots there for eternity, when I seemed to have more backbone but feel a bit browbeaten at the mo. I felt like I wanted to wash them for mine and DC's use, and to remove them as some kind of winning/losing bargain chip thing sitting there, making him smug.... God I sound like a dick, I like to think of myself as a reasonably switched-on person but this is really demotivating me.

You are neither a rambling pregnant fool nor a dick.

He's been a twat. The incident in OP is one thing to be dealt with, but perhaps more important are the wider issues of his porn use (and the underlying attitude you believe it represents) and the general approach to how domestic tasks are to be fairly dealt with both now and when your child arrives.

Firstly, be kind to yourself - hugely pregnant and with SPD is a tough call, especially when practical support is lacking. Secondly, how I'll with the flu was he? If it really was bad flu, then you can be left out of sorts for quite a while. But is he genuinely still below par, or (as other things you have posted tend to suggest) generally not pulling his weight?

edith He genuinely was ill, and yes there is definite unfairness in task distribution! I didn't want to believe he is one of 'those men' with 'those opinions' (negative) that such porn seems to represent, but it's like I've lifted a stone and all these niggling little bits keep adding up, suggesting that actually he really is getting into the role of 'one of those men' iyswim? In my strange terminology there, sorry.. I guess it's the old thing people say when cheated upon- "But he/she isnt like that, last thing you'd expect" etc etc.

I've spent the week making sure he can rest, which this has made me think, he's spent the entire pregnancy not really thinking about 'lightening the load' for me. But that's not too much of an issue, as I can ask for help when needed, but I think what I can't wrap my head around is how quickly it went from a normal jokey scenario, to him being relatively forceful in bed, arsey and speaking to me in a frankly shitty manner

THis sounds really horrible for you, OP, and I'm not sure what to suggest. My instincts are screaming 'that man is a tool', but I understand that that's very easy for me to say, not being in your position.

Can you talk to him about it? Sit him down and say 'this is how I feel about what happened'. If he listens, seems to genuinely get it, apologises and agrees that things will be different going forward, ok. BUt if he continues acting grumpy and entitled, then maybe you need to reassess.

I don't think you sound like a dick at all, but you do sound very worn down. The man you love shouldn't be making you feel like this.

I'm not saying 'leave the bastard' but you need to talk to him about how this has made you feel. If he's a decent bloke who's just behaved badly on this occasion, then he'll be feeling pretty awful about treating you like a sex toy. If he doesn't feel guilty and try to make it up to you then he's not a decent bloke and you need to think about how you're going to deal with that.

We are all capable of behaving badly- I'm sure I've done/said some horrid things to DH over the years. But the difference is in how we react to them. A normal, loving partner would be apologising profusely for behaving like a child and doing everything he could to make your life easier whilst you are pregnant/in pain.