Reading suggestions please, for dealing with a nasty piece of work

[tigermoll]

Hiya,

I'll be brief (although don't want to drip feed) and dunno if anyone will remember some of my previous posts, but I'm currently having a difficult time in my relationship with my brother.

In a nutshell, he's chronically unfaithful, seems to enjoy coercive, unpleasant sexual encounters, and is really keen to drag his family into the nasty mess of his 'love' life, eg telling me in great detail about things he's done, introducing us all to the women in question and expecting us to keep our mouths shut, calling up for exhaustive 'confessions' and putting our mother through hell. I've dealt with this by cutting all contact since christmas, and ignoring the texts and emails that have moved from begging and self flagellating to childish strops and sulks.

I did this because I'd realised that my involvement with his sex life was not normal, and had been making me feel really rubbish and ashamed for years. But he is still my brother, and I anticipate that at some point I'll want/have to have contact with him again. I also want to support our parents through this.

I've read a Lundy Bancroft book on abusive men, which was v helpful, but aimed more at the partners of DV men. Does anyone have a recommend for good books on the families of men who are misogynist/manipulative/seem to really get off on hurting women?

Thanks :)

and I anticipate that at some point I'll want/have to have contact with him again

Why on earth would you do that when he's behaving as he's currently behaving? And if he stops behaving like that, then you can have an adult relationship with him, so no problems there.

I also want to support our parents through this.

Why? They're adults, and they're also his parents. You have no hope of changing their opinion of him.

I anticipate that at some point I'll have to have contact with him because he is my brother. I don't want to cut myself off from my family (christmas, birthdays, etc) and nor I am going to say 'it's him or me' since that would be silly. So therefore, I anticipate that there will come a point where we'll be in the same room.

I also hope that at some point he'll stop behaving as he's currently behaving, and start evincing a real wish to change. That's when I'll want to have contact with him.

I like your suggestion that 'there'll be no problem there' once he stops, though. Cheers for that.

I want to support my parents because, umm, they're my parents and I love them. My mother especially is going through hell with all this, and although I have no illusions about my ability to 'change their opinion of him' ( and you've made something of an assumption in thinking that that's my motive) I do want to still speak to them both.

I wouldn't bother with him again until he shuts up about his "love life". Why would you want to know the nitty-gritty about what he gets up to in bed - grim grim grim. As for those poor women - I wouldn't be able to look them in the face... You could always tell him the next women he introduces you to, you'll have no choice but to tell her all about him.

Next time you're at a family gathering and he starts up, ask him to change the subject or leave the room and make tea. Repeat repeat repeat.

I wouldn't bother with him again until he shuts up about his "love life"

I haven't spoken to him since christmas for precisely this reason.

Why would you want to know the nitty-gritty about what he gets up to in bed - grim grim grim

I don't want to know. Hence the not speaking.

Next time you're at a family gathering and he starts up, ask him to change the subject or leave the room and make tea. Repeat repeat repeat

Ok, thanks for that. Does everyone have any reading suggestions?

Don't know about books. How about next time he starts, smile sweetly and say 'brother dear, I don't want to know, thank you'

I doubt he will change (although could be possible if he is young and actually wants to), but you can change your responses to him (as you already know and have begun to do).

You could try Sandra Brown's How to Spot a Dangerous Man (before you get involved). Obviously its geared towards not dating one of these guys but she does break abusive men into different types and you may recognise him. The types are The Clinger, The Parent Seeker, The Emotionally Unavailable Man, The Man with the Hidden Life, The Mentally Ill Man, The Addict, The Abusive/Violent Man and The Emotional Predator.

She gives case histories to demonstrate how these relationships work in real life and also suggestions on red flags to look out for and tips for dealing with them.

You might also like to look at narcissism (or borderline) as he is showing no respect for your boundaries. If you google them there are lots of sites with a checklist of the pattern of behaviour to look for. A person doesn't have to be a fully blown narcissist to have problems - even quite high on the scale showing a few traits but not all can be enough.