Any advice on how to talk to DH about my feelings without sounding whiny?

[Littlemissnegative]

For quite some time now I have been increasingly annoyed with DH and I feel he is really starting to take the piss with regards to the amount he does (or doesn't) at home. I am a SAHM with 3 young DCs, DS1 is at school but DDs are at home most of the time (DD1 goes to pre school). DH often works away so naturally I do everything when he is away.
When he comes home he is always very tired and lately he uses that as an excuse to avoid washing up, tidying the kids' things on an evening, watching them for a few hours on a weekend whilst I clean, leaving me to bath them all preferrin to watch tv, go on his laptop, etc.
I do all the cooking and cleaning and nearly all the laundry, his jobs are to wash up after dinner, read older two bedtime story and supervise them getting dressed for bed and tidy up downstairs whilst I settle them all in bed. Yes he does manage all the finances which I know isn't easy but lately I've been wondering how he can let me seemingly do everything and not feel guilty? I know he's tired but so am I and DD2 has been suffering a lot with asthma so I've had lots of sleepless nights and trips to GPs to try and sort it.
I have tried so many times to talk to him but he doesn't take me seriously and we end up rowing. I am so fed up and frustrated, he really is lovely apart from this and I can be such a miserable cow at times hence my nickname but I really can't take much more of this. Any advice on how to tackle this would be much appreciated.

Just read through this and I really do sound whiny! This problem is rather insignificant compared to those on many other threads on here, and I realise how lucky I am to be able to stay at home but this situation is really getting me down, that's all.

I don't blame you for being annoyed, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

It's hard to say what would get through to him. A few options are:

Write an letter/email. Lay out clearly how you feel without blaming him. Just say that you feel overwhelmed, remind him that when he's away you don't get a break and that when he's around you really need him to take some of the pressure off you.

Talk to him calmly and appeal to his caring side. Tell him you need help, that you're not coping, and ask him "Will you help me?" He can't really say no without sounding like a nob, and then you can tell him "You can help me by..." and give him specific things that he can do.

Go on strike.

This isn't talking about your feelings, it's settling a division of labour with which you are both happy and which is then adhered to.

I'm quite attracted to the idea of going on strike (illness, or need to tend to eg your parent's illness?) for a weekend. Then perhaps he will be more receptive.

It is for each couple to decide what sharing of chores works for you. I would suggest the start point often is: he WOH, and for those hours you WIH (childcare plus XYX). When you both finish the working days, you then divide what's left over at weekends and evenings. It sounds to me as if you've grasped this, but he hasn't.

BTW: even if he does a lot of the financial stuff, do make sure it is all completely transparent to you. If anything happens to him (murder, perhaps?) you need to be able to take it all over seamlessly.

Interesting that you perceive stating your needs as 'whiny'. You are allowed to talk about what you're unhappy about. And you deserve to be listened to.

Thank you all for your responses. I find it hard to state my case whilst keeping calm, and I often react in a defensive or emotional way when his responses are less than sympathetic, I suppose that's why I refer to myself as whiny!! I will try writing it down, even if I just read it out to him it will probably get the message across to him more effectively.

Actually I don't think you should say, "Will you help me?"
That sounds as though it's your job and you're asking him for a favour.
Ask him if he really believes it's fair that you do all the childcare, bearing in mind that both of you chose to become parents.
Does he think it's fair that you're on duty 24/7 while he gets to switch off and put his feet up once he's out of the office?
What free time do you get? Work out how much each of you has and show him.

needs a sit down make-a-list conversation

each have a peice of paper and a pen

first work out the time each of you gets to relax.

then work out which chores belong to which person

work out why he thinks your work isn't worthy of respect or being taken seriously

go to relate?

tell him you want to go to work - and to work out the childcare costs

I agree with Lesser do not ask for 'help' you do not need 'help' this is not all your responsibility - he needs to do his share.

Just talk to him when you aren't already angry about something. Tell him that you have had enough of the division of labour as it is - that things need to change, that you too are tired.

Make a list of things that need doing - tick off all the things you get done in the day when he's at work - this leaves what needs doing when you are both home - ask how he wants to split this.

IF there is any shite about you being a SAHP then tell him to take a week off of work, look after the kids and see how much he gets done!

I agree that you should not ask him to help.

Do you both see childcare as your responsibility mainly? What about housework?

He provides financially but so do you OP. You have an actual financial worth which can be measured in pounds sterling, the same as his financial contribution does.

If you were not there, how much would he have to pay for the childcare you do, chauffering, cleaning, laundry, personal shopper, cook, gardner, etc.

So, get that basic idea into his head. You both work. You both make financial contribution to the house. You are both busy during working hours. You are both tired at the end of the day.

Then, look at how much free time you both have. Is it roughly even? If not, that's the bit you need to fix. His hours will be something like 8am - 6pm Monday to Friday? Yours are something like 6am - 7pm with additional nightshift 7 days a week? When he is away he is working longer hours but you are working 24/7.

You will both have 'downtime' during the day when you can have a break, coffee, lunch, etc. However, he gets to do all that without young children wanting something. He can commute in peace, he can sit down to eat without interruption, he can go to the toilet without having to carry on a conversation at the same time!

When you break it all down and look at it reasonably, you can see that he is not pulling his weight and this needs to change pronto. The more you carry on like this, the more he will expect it.

Btw who has said you are 'whining' ? A whine is when you draaaaaag yourrrrrr woooooorrrrrrdddddssssssss oooouuuut in a high pitched voice. You are not doing that. You are stating that his behaviour is selfish and he doesn't like to hear it so he tells you to stop whining. Am I right? That has to stop, he is being disrespectul and immature.