I'm so fed up and feel so down.

[Inthepotty]

Don't really know if this is the right place to post.

Been with DP 6 years, have 4 DCs, including DSS who lives with us full- time.

DSS is 8, DTs are 5.5, DD is 2.5

DP is self employed and works afternoon Sun, Mon, Tues, Weds, Thurs. Friday morn he does odds and ends (banking, meeting with suppliers, ect.) Fri pm he plays golf, then goes to the pub, typically back at 8pm ish. Saturday is football, so 12-7 ish is out again. Sunday he does not a right lot.

I do absolutely fucking everything. I do all DC school run, all housework, all paperwork, all ferrying around to after school clubs, and so on. His Bro recently separated from his wife so am also helping out with my nieces 2 afternoons a week. I do every dog walk, every meal every fucking night, every bathtime and every sodding bed time. DD is a shit sleeper so am sometimes up through the night.

DP thinks this is normal and what 'women all up and down the county' do all the time, and I'm 'weak' for not coping. By not coping, I mean when I ask for help, I dont get it, and then lose my rag completely. He says he doesn't want to help me as I shout at him, and its not normal to lose my temper like I do.

I've raised the issue before that I don't get as much downtime as him, ie when he gets in on a friday I'm unpacking school bags/making tea/sorting washing/needing to walk dog and he just sits on the sofa and then is asleep by 9.

I'm so fucking fed up of spending all eve doing jobs, then coming down in the morn (I'm last down after making beds and stuff) to find a shit tip waiting.

Sorry if I've rambled.

All this 'women up and down the country have to do this' bullshit is really cunty and manipulative. And making out that getting annoyed is abnormal is really shitty too. It's to shame you into shutting up and putting up. Everything he says about that stuff is untrue, of course, but you know that, right? I'd rather be seen as a shrill bitch by someone who pulls their weight than be a nice dogsbody, personally.

Some points you need to raise with him:

1. It doesn't matter if every woman in the world does those things in blissful acceptance, I don't want to THEREFORE things have to change. End of story.
2. If you love me, why are you so happy for me to suffer? And why do you dismiss my feelings when I keep telling you I'm unhappy?
3. You, mateyboy, are not living and behaving like every other man up and down the country. Odd hours and swanning off to the pub when it suits you and letting your wife do everything? In your dreamworld, maybe. If I have to be like every other woman, then you need to be like other men. Which means pulling your weight around the home and participating in the minutiae of family life a hell of a lot more.
4. I couldn't give a living shit if you don't want to help because of my tone of voice. Get a move on. And it isn't 'helping', it's pulling your weight as part of this family.

Then, stop doing everything except the vital stuff. Make sure you especially stop doing stuff that allows his life to be so self-centred. Insist that he do more with the kids, walk the dog, ferry the kids around, etc.

He is being an arse and is allowing you to exhaust yourself so he can have his life exactly how he wants it. But remember; he can only be like that because you pick up the slack and facilitate it. He sounds selfish and sexist, I'm sorry. I hope that what I've suggested might help in some way.

He is doing this because he feels entitled to do it and because he thinks women should do the drudge for him. He doesn't like women. He is also unlikely to change because he doesn't want to and has no need to.

So what are you getting out of the relationship and is it worth it?

Wow. Naff deal for you.

I'm stunned and horrified. Do you think in retrospect he was just looking for a replacement mother for his DS?

To paraphrase something I read all too often on mn - he sees you as a domestic appliance, an object and a scivvy. Is he a throwback from the 50's?

What does he do on weekday mornings when he's not working? stay in bed?

I suggest you stop doing his washing or anything else that's just for him. Refuse sex. Lazy men are the biggest turn-off anyway so that shouldn't be difficult.

Work on your escape plan, though I feel sorry for his DS once you're out of the picture

I'd sit him down and ask him what he would prefer: to change, or separate. Like now, ASAP.

Where else us there to go with this? He's not going to change because he's a decent man who loves you and wants you to be happy and for the family to be a fair and happy place - he's a selfish shit who does not care how you feel. As long as he has his ideal, lazy, propped-up life (with you even caring for the child of his that isn't yours) he is fine.

So you may as well go for the total ultimatum, because it follows that unless he does change, you would be better off separating in every possible way. You could do better, so so much better that you'd be a fool to stay right now.

Sorry to start a thread and run- DTs have D&v bug so busy weekend.

It wasn't very clear in my OP, its only Sundays that DP does afternoons so he is full time Mon-Thurs (8-6, usually).

I tried to have a word on saturday but he thinks he DOES do his share- 'makes the kids breakfast'- I'm not convinced that pouring cereal into a bowl is taxing, however. I do know things have to change, but every time I ask for help it ends in a shouting match and I end up upset and feeling bad for loosing my temper.

I really dont know where to go from here, I can't bare to think about not being together but I really don't want this life for the next 70years.

Could you get out of the house, to a cafe or pub where you might manage to talk about it more calmly?
Do some prep as to the things that are really grinding you down, be it laundry, packed lunches, the dog, whatever, and talk to him about how both your lives are, what's making you happy, what's getting you down, could you both approach it as an opportunity to evaluate what's working and what isn't??
Of course, that assumes that he is prepared to be reasonable and make changes which many previous posters have jumped to the conclusion he isn't, but taking a look at how much free time you both get and what you choose to do with it seems like a good place to start.
Stay calm!

Tell him you are exhausted & you can't cope.

Show him a list of all the things you do & the very short list of the things he does.

Put together a list of the help that you need & the costs. So, a mothers help in the afternoons, a cleaner, dog walker, PA for home admin etc.

Tell him that if he won't contribute around the house, then he needs to cough up for the help, so that you don't have an emotional & physical collapse.

Stop asking him to help Op , this term implies that its your responsibility and that hes doing you a favour . Start referring to him doing his share .

To be fair, he works hard himself. I really don't know what to suggest.

If you are struggling, find ways not to struggle - hire a cleaner, be less ambitious with cooking - oven chips, fish fingers and beans are fine. Are your standards too high? TBH, there is no need for you still to be running around in the evenings. Do housework in the day and then leave it for the evening so you can both relax. If it's a mess, it's a mess. So what? I can see your DP's point if he is getting home and then you are stressing out about chores and jobs to be done.

I also wouldn't ask him for help. Just say to him: "I'll do the dishes and you put the kids to bed or would you prefer it the other way?"

I would also put my foot down about the Saturdays. That should be family time and not football.