Exhausted. Need to rant.

[lizzywig]

You know when you know you are lucky but you don't feel it, well that's how I'm feeling today.

DD was born a little over 16 weeks ago and DH and I worked out a good way for us to look after her and get stuff done around the house. He would get up and do nappy changes on M, T, F, S & S night but not Tu & W because those nights he has a second job and is exhausted. I was happy with this. I would then do all the feeds at night (well they're my breasts!) and then I would do bedtime when he was working Tu&W and he would do bedtime the rest of the week so he could spend some time with her.

However DH is taking more and more on at work, all unpaid, to further his career, he loves what he does and this is great because it's taken him years to find a job that he loves. This week for example he worked until 7pm on Mon, 11pm on Tues, 10:30pm on Wed & 7pm on Thurs and so I was looking after DD all day long and doing bedtime too. She goes to bed at 6pm and so by about 7pm I come down and cook dinner. She's also just started waking up more frequently at night time and taking longer and longer to go back to sleep and it's me that's up with her. Last night was the first time he saw her properly and even then he worked until 5:30 (normal finish time 4:30) and so he only saw her for 30 mins. Then he reminded me that he was out at the football today. I don't mind him going out and about and today was a big match and he was sat with the directors, he's been waiting for this match for 10 years apparently so I should understand. I've just had a call to say that there's too much traffic to get out so he'll be home later than expected sigh.

Don't get me wrong he is a fantastic father and a wonderful husband, although i do try to get all the housework done it's not on his agenda for me to do. It doesn't work like that and before he went out today he "did everything around the house" (so he says - funny that because here was me thinking I did it all yesterday!). I sat him down last night and tried explaining how exhausted I am, fed up, lonely (missing him mainly because I see lots of other people) and he was initially sympathetic until I asked him to slow down at work, which did not go down well. Ho hum.

He thinks he's hard done by because he's working so hard and doesn't believe that time at work is time off. He says he gets it (it's safer that way lol) but his actions say otherwise. I've started to track how much time he gets to himself (away from work and home) and how much time I get (basically to show to him that my life isn't as easy as he thinks) and he was shocked but nothing has changed.

Ladies (and gents) I'm exhausted. I don't know what I expect you to say really I just needed to get that off my chest....must dash I have a screaming baby to attend to.

I know how you feel but for different reasons.

Ok, have you tried expressing and does it work for you and for you DD?

If so, why not (and I know you will hate this with a passion) wait for DH to come home, say Oh your home good, heres DD heres her bottle right I´m off. See you latter and GO THE HELL OUT, even if it just for coffee and a chat with a friend on your own.

Ok next well if he is tired, then though luck, are Nappy changes still being done during the night? If so WAKE him up!!

Might work to get DH to get DD in the night you feed her give her a cuddle and he puts her back to bed (advantage, he then knows how long you are awake and what knackered feels like)

sorry I sounds really anti DH which I am not, what annoys me beyond belief is that he is saying I´m tired etc, and then goes to Football!!!!!!!!! rather than spend time at home with his wife, and dd who he has barely seen all week.

Ok, next STOP tidying UP. Tidy up after DD (of course) but stop doing the rest of it, get him HELP you and you both do it in the evening.

And sorry how exactly is he being fantastic? Have i missed it somewhere or is he brilliant in the 30mins he spent with DD the other night? 30 mins is easy as pie, it´s the other 23 and a half hours that are hard!

He is fantastic (just not this week), but you know how when you are totally bugged by the things they do wrong and you just edit out all the good bits because at that point in time you either can't think of any or you don't want to think about them!!

He doesn't expect me to do the housework, I expect me to do the housework. An example of how he helps, on the days he works 2 jobs he usually works 7:30 - 4:30 and 6 - 11, so in between jobs he'll come home, take out the rubbish, tidy up, play with DD while I have a shower, put my dinner on etc. He really is a good guy...I just don't cope very well when weeks like this happen.

You're right about the just going out, it's harder for me because we're in the middle of nowhere and I don't drive but there is a cronky old village bus so I think I will take advantage. I do express but don't normally get a huge amount out, has taken me 3 days just to get 6oz. That doesn't mean I can't do it and yes you're right about middle of the night. I will give these things a try and see how it goes.

Why do I push unrealistic expectations onto myself?!!

Because you are a

Women and a MUM! Fun hey

Try adding in being a pisces and have a mother that will point out where you are not doing as well as you should!

Ok, sorry I may have been a bit high horsey, but it seems like you may have missed a couple of good points.

Or some other suggestions, is DP can drive can he take you somewhere nice and then DD maybe onto the park?

Keep trying with the expressing it took me ages to geting things flowing (so to speak)!

I find it fascinating that so many new dads suddenly find they have to work loads more hours/spend hours on an important new hobby once the baby is born.

Such a coincidence.

He will continue for as long as you enable him to. Nip it in the bud for your own sanity and your baby's safety.

Hmmm.....have a hug. And a .

To be honest the op's post was me 12-18 months ago. It's so difficult as both partners have a lot of pressure on them. My gf works very long hours and at times I and our daughter would hardly see her. I was exhausted, lonely and resented her never being at home. The thing is though that she didn't want to work those hours and would much rather have been at home with the kids. When you're in the middle of it it's hard to empathise with the other person but it you step back a bit you can see that both sides are suffering. Having a baby is a terrible strain on any relationship.

It is a strain but one that I wouldn't change....well I do hope it'll get better. I just feel (particulary right now) that I'm battling this on my own. He's come in from the football all 'male' and old fashioned and when I tried to talk to him he didn't get it. So he was drunk, trouble is he never drinks anymore really and so it had that horrible effect and he was out with my dad and they egg each other on. So apparently they discussed and decided while they were out that I should be doing more and that in the old days women did everything and men went out to work. Four pints of coffee, two pints of water and a slice of bread and butter later and he is now in the kitchen cooking me dinner and keeps apologising and coming to check on me. BUT he doesn't get it.

He was off work the other week and was here the whole time doing things equally (and I got a bit of a break too) and he said that he was glad to get back to work because it was so exhausting being here. Surely not?!!!!

I have called my mum and had a rant and feel better for it. She is going to talk to my Dad because he really does say some stupid things that don't help. We have also decided that we are going to have a day trip to London and then he can look after DD for the day. Tomorrow I will also be visiting a local pub with my book before dinner and sitting and having a drink (just the one mind) and RELAXING!

The work thing is genuine, he would do anything to be here more with DD, he did have a little cry about it the other day too. He is a chef in a children's nursery and he is very overdue a payrise. They have given him a promotion (no payrise) and so he is trying to earn his stripes and prove himself to them, lord knows we could do with the money!

That said my problem is getting him to understand how exhausted I am. It just doesn't register. I'm wondering if I should just not care and just go ahead with what I want to do and just tell him rather than the way I would prefer which is organising in advance so it's equal...but somehow it never is, it's always me that misses out.

Hmm. So your life has changed immeasurably since having a child. Him, not so much. Does that seem fair to you, considering you are both parents to your DD?

I don't think that's quite a fair comment, I do think his life has changed hugely so, I just think that he doesn't get how my life has changed.

He used to be a football season ticket holder, not anymore, he used to go out with 'the boys' every Saturday, that's gone down the pan. He's stopped doing a lot of the things that he used to do, so I have no problem when he wants to go stuff, it's just that I deserve some respect and he should be able to see that I also deserve a break. He is always saying 'take a break, go and do something' but it's unpractical a lot of the time for me to actually go anywhere. Living in the middle of nowhere and not driving and not being able to get a lift from him after 6pm (DD bedtime) means that I am more often than not housebound. So unless I do some lengthy planning I can't always go out, don't get me wrong I went out for dinner with a friend the other week but that's not what I'm talking about. I have been trying to explain to him the difference between rest and playtime. Rest time = have a cup of tea, a bath, read a book etc. Play time = go out with friends etc. Upon further inspection this was not his interpretation, he considers rest time to be a pint after work or popping out on his own and play time to be going out and getting....battered. So I guess our needs are different but that only goes to show that actually if he considers any activity which takes place off the sofa to be rest time then he can't be half as knackered as me!!!

Lizzy- maybe you could get driving lessons? It would be something for you so you have a but of time for yourself and the end result could mean a bit more independence as well. Very useful for you and DD to get out and about too. We live in the middle of nowhere as well and I'd be lost without a car.