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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you get over it?

17 replies

DLCC · 03/03/2012 13:28

I'm driving myself mad and just don't know what to do. I split from my husband just over 2 yrs ago. We have 2 children, 7&2. After our separation I didn't meet anyone for a year and then last year I decided to dip my toes into the world of internet dating. There were two 3 month, 'relationships', they were both very similar men, 39 and 41, never married, never had children but both very successful in their careers. Beautiful houses, nice cars, lots of money, but both very selfish as they had never had to put anyone else first. The first one ended as he lived about 100 miles away and I only ever saw him when I didn't have the children, every other weekend, he wanted children and said that I was a bit too old (40), even though he knew that when I met him. I took the break up badly and it took me a few months to get over it, basically until I met the other guy. He was quite up and down and had been engaged twice. Should have rung warning bells then. He broke them both off. He would send me a text saying that he couldn't commit to me and we should have some space which I would accept, then a couple of days later I would get another text saying he'd really like to see me again. This happened 3 times in 3 months We dated for about 3 months. He then eventually told me that he couldn't his head round the fact I had children, he thought he could but if he hadn't after 3 months he didn't think he ever would. He said he loves being with me, and spending time with me but not the children. He said he would probably kick himself for finishing it but he just can't accept my past. Neither man had met my children.

Neither man was right for me, but I am really struggling to accept the rejection, the second guy and I finished 6 weeks ago and I still can't stop thinking about him and the fact that he hasn't contacted me. I haven't contacted him. Why am I so upset and hurt by someone who wasn't right for me anyway? he didn't really make me laugh, the sex was rubbish, he had huge issues with himself and relationships and his work was his life I am angry at myself spending so much time thinking about him when there are so many other things I could be doing. I have other interests and I'm currently buying a house but even while doing these things he is still always there, in the back of my mind.....I almost feel like contacting him to see if tells me he's seeing someone else so I can have closure. I feel like a teenager when I'm actually a 40yr old mother of 2!

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 03/03/2012 13:33

Oh you poor love. I can relate to everything you have said - you sound sensitive and vulnerable, not like a teenager at all. You deserve better but yes, either of these men did not sound right for you.

Write it down but don't contact him.

Deep breath and on. If you want to date, just hold back a little of yourself, if you can. Be cautious.

It's going to be OK.

DLCC · 03/03/2012 13:37

Thank you. Your post made me cry. I just feel like I'm going mad. I hate myself for doing it and wasting time and energy when I should be doing more important things. It doesn't help that my children are with their Daddy this weekend and I'm on my own. It will be ok I know, but I just wish I knew when.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 03/03/2012 13:51

I am earlier down the road than you and yes, it's a raw feeling. Those thoughts round and round are indeed maddening.

Hugs

Spellcheck · 03/03/2012 14:14

When I split from my exH nearly 4 years ago, I went through hell coming to terms with it, and also with his betrayal and all the lies that gradually came to light. I knew I was extremely vulnerable and didn't start dating until about a year later, thinking that was a good time to start again.

However when I did begin dating, it was as though all the vulnerability was simply 'on hold' and it all came rushing out again. I dated one guy in particular who was a lot younger than me and was more of a friend to begin with. We got on really well and had a great time but I became quite needy...he found it frightening, he was only 23 and didn't want a proper girlfriend, so he backed off. Deep down I knew it would never work out and it was great just the way it was, but I craved some sort of commitment from him. When I look back, I can see I had taken leave of my senses and I shudder when I think how desperate for intimacy I was. I accepted it was over after a while but I thought about him for months afterwards, despite knowing all the time it wasn't him I wanted, but that feeling of being in a couple.

Punk is right - definitely don't contact him, you'll regret it!! A great idea to write it all down, then destroy it. You will forget soon, you're almost there, knowing he isn't right for you.

I remember being on my own when my three DC went off to their Dad's for the weekend. I cried buckets and made myself miserable sitting about the house. That took several months to get over but after a while I used to look forward to the time I had to myself. I made sure I always had something to do. To be honest, I found internet dating a lonely experience, and it didn't really help me, but I know it works for some and I really hope it works for you.

I absolutely promise you that will heal all, but in the meantime it might help you if you focus on being proud of yourself for all the little battles you win (congrats on buying a house by the way!). Being alone doesn't always have to mean you're lonely, I know it's a cliche but it was what got me through it all.

Sending loads of best wishes!!

Spellcheck · 03/03/2012 14:16

time will heal all - Spellcheck, check your work...

tropamo · 03/03/2012 14:24

DLCC- Sorry that you are feeling so bad but I think that it's quite natural! Tears are good.

Am wondering if you have still not recovered from your marriage breakdown. For how long were you married? You may still be grieving for the loss of the future you hoped to have with your XH and children.

As for the dating, don't beat yourself up about the two men! I'm no psychologist but it sounds as if you really want a loving man in your life (don't we all?) and maybe, just maybe, you're not quite ready yet!

Other people will be along soon to give really good advice and help.

Best wishes

DLCC · 03/03/2012 14:26

Thanks so much. You're so right when you say it was the feeling of being in a couple, even though he wasn't right. The last contact we had was him sending me a text saying, 'Good luck with the house, take care and stay in touch x', I didn't respond and that was 6 weeks ago. I'm not ready for a relationship. I need to get my self esteem and confidence back. Both of them were really complimentary about me which made me feel good, maybe that's what I'm missing about them? I also agree with what you say about internet dating. It definitely works for some people but not for me. I've just got to get on with my life and if it happens it happens. I have plenty of other stuff to occupy me, I just need to concentrate on those.
Thanks again for both your responses. I hope it all works out for you both.

OP posts:
DLCC · 03/03/2012 14:32

Thanks tropamo. I'm over my ex husband. We were together for about 10 years. He was bipolar, was sectioned a couple of times and spent 6 months in and out of hospital in 2008 . During his manic phases he gambled our savings away and slept with prostitutes so I'm probably not the most trusting of people and think that any potential dates have alterior motives. I found out about my ex's indiscretions over email/Facebook so have a nasty habit of checking people out which is another habit I have to break.

OP posts:
annieatnofour · 03/03/2012 19:14

Hiya DLCC

I can totally relate to your situation. I too split from my husband in may last year after a few bad years. 3 months later i was in a relationship - this ended in Jan this year. And like you, i know its totally right that its ended, in fact he was doing my head in the last few weeks, but i still miss being in a couple.

Although the last few years of my marriage were bad, i do have happy memories of some of it, and i like being in a couple. I worry how on earth iam gonna find a new man, but equally dont quite have the engery to start internet dating etc...

Will be watching the replies with interest .....

Maybe we could support each other?

Hugs x

DLCC · 03/03/2012 20:00

Hi annieatnofour!

We could support each other, that sounds good! I just can't believe I have got so het up about a 3 month relationship where we only had about 14, 'dates'!! when I write it down it just sounds ridiculous.......it's the rejection twice in a row that I can't handle, and the over analysis of what he said/text/emailed. It's over and that's that.

xx

OP posts:
annieatnofour · 03/03/2012 20:30

yep - agree re the rejection

its shite!!!

but then i keep telling myself that being in a bad reltionship is shite too ......

would it help to delete the texts and emails?

DLCC · 03/03/2012 20:40

Already done!

Why did your new relationship end? how long did it go on for? do you have children?

OP posts:
annieatnofour · 03/03/2012 21:08

well it started as friends with benefits and then progressed - 6 months in total.
but i was married for 18 years with ended this may, and yes i have two children - 14 and 19

iam very glad my marriage has ended - but feel a failure that i have been rejected twice in a year!!!

Do you have children?

nkf · 03/03/2012 21:12

Poor you. You sound so down about it. I'm sure it will get better though. I have been split from my husband for more than two years and haven't been on a date at all. Nobody has asked me and I have no interest in anybody. But I would love to be if that makes sense. So I salute your bravery for giving it a go and not just once but twice. With such optimism, I'm sure you can only end up in a good place.

DLCC · 03/03/2012 21:33

annieatnofour - yes I have two children, 7 & 2, which I think scares some men off, I think maybe I should just concentrate on my children for now, at least until my youngest starts school, then when I have more time maybe look at dating again. Then again, is there ever a right time??

nkf - thanks for your reply, no one had asked me on a date either I just went onto the internet! I'm not sure it's really for me though. Would you consider giving it a go?

OP posts:
annieatnofour · 03/03/2012 22:33

hey

No iam not sure if there is ever a right time to be honest ..... how did you find the internet dating?

I live in a really small town and theres not really alot of single men there - so maybe i should think about the internet dating

annieatnofour · 04/03/2012 16:36

afternoon dlcc

how are you feeling today?

I have no plans for today and feel miserable ..... all sorts going round my head

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