Can't see the wood for the trees when it comes to family

[Ginga66]

Says my dh. Basically today he banned me from visiting my mum with ds because she still lives with my nearly forty yr old brother who is under police investigation for something he did whilst drunk, I think my brother is an alcoholic and has other issues too but speaking as someone who has recovered from lots of stuff myself I don't want to judge him. My mom is nearly seventy and has two fractures in het back and the house is a tip. My dh says it is too dirty and unsafe to take ds over and my brother too unsavoury a character. My dad died years ago and dh already fell out with my other brother so can't see him unless dh at work. I feel like I am losing my birth family completely. I don't much like dh family they are pretty odd and emotionally stunted where as my lot are overly emotional I suppose but i make the effort to be sociable so ds has extended family which I never had growing up. My older brother is no threat to me, I am six months pregnant, or my ds in any way but unfortunately He is involved with dodgy stuff and in trouble with the law and dh says taking ds to house is a risk as either the police or the dodgy people brother knows may show up. I think this unlikely but I suppose there is a slim chance. Dh and I had a hugs row ANd i have been crying for hours but he says he is protecting ds ANd I just can't see it as they are my family. But as a footnote dh can be vey cold when he decides something, he can cut people off in an instant, I am scared I am being controlled. Is he right? Should I keep my distance from brother? Mum can meet in town and get to my house still. Brother never makes effort to come and see me but I excuse this as HD is so unwell.

Leave ds with DH and visit your mum and brother. Problem solved.

Sorry that looked sarcastic. It wasn't. I don't mean to make light of your situation but it just seemed obvious to me, unless there are other issues.

I think you have to consider whether DP is genuinely concerned and/or whether he is using this as an excuse to cut you off from your family (an abusive tactic - isolation). I don't like the sound of him 'banning' you - surely a frank discussion on both sides coming to a solution you are both happy with is better? What do YOU think about the state of the house? You can judge your brother BTW - making mistakes of your own doesn't mean you suspend your right to be safe. Why has DP fallen out with other brother?

Its hard to judge on a forum - you may just have a dysfunctional family you'd be well away from BUT you have fears about being controlled (is your gut instinct trying to tell you something), DP is bossing you about for your own 'protection' (another abusive tactic - control through 'kindness') and sounds like he dishes out the silent treatment (abuse again!). If you google 'red flags' and abusive behaviour (emotional) and have a read you might see some patterns you recognise in his behaviour.

You're going to get replies saying he's a controlling twunt, leave him.

You're going to get replies saying it's really nice how he cares about the safety of you and DC.

Knowing MN, you're going to get a lot more of the first than the second. Only you can figure out which one it is. But IMO a good test would be to say to him "ok, you have DS and I'll go alone" and see what he says, or ask him to come with you. If he is totally against you going, whether he's there or you're there alone, then you probably have a problem. If he's willing to go with you/look after DS whilst you go but can't for a good reason, then you probably don't have a problem.

Personally, I can see both sides, and it's impossible to give you an yes/no answer. (though you'll definitely get a lot of them!)

As you havn't said what the initial falling out was and what he is under investigation for (not going to ask) it is hard to say whether DP is being unreasonable in his "request".

It sounds like he hasn't banned you from seeing your family (that would take some of the controlling stuff out of the equation). Just that he doesn't want your Ds to go with you.

If this was the other way around and you had doubts about his family you would be told to "trust you instincts", maybe you should trust his.

Ok, I knew some people would roll out the emotional abuse stuff and there are aspects of his behaviour that do worry me. However, to answer the question he does not mind meeting my brother outside of the environment of the house with ds and I can do what I want when it comes to seeing him.
The younger brother stuff is complex but the upshot is that they were best mates until I became the wife and then things got weird. Mainly my little brother treated him bit shoddily, was rude, sidelined him etc, one day my dh had enough and cut him out of his life. Dh says this ruined the first year of our marriage as I took my brothers side. I should not have retrospectively. I should have held my tongue and waited to see what would happen but I jumped in to defend baby brother and made things far worse. That said it has caused a lot of grief in the family as mum is upset that dh won't let little brother into house but I still see him on my own. Funnily enough he is now in Australia so makes Jo odds and when he last visited he gave no notice if his arrival and dh and I had plans all weekend. He was on a four day stop over from India and I had asked him a month before if he was coming to letmeknow. I did not cancel my plans as I knew dh would feel like second fiddle which is an issue for him...stems from absent father. Anyhow my brother was half hour late to see me and ds and then only spent one and half hrs with us even though I had entire day.
As far as olde brothers misdemeanour involves females of age but is quite alarming behaviour.
I do agree with silence being control by the way, we discussed this in relate but I have anger issues so it is a case of pot calling kettle!
Does that help at all?
Apprciate the feedback so far by the way.

Btw cheddars I do see that as solution except did not want ds to have no uncle contact!
Northwitch have wad emotional abuse stuff and there are some aspects but we have been to relate twice and have. Balance up to a point except when it comes to ds when he just says he is acting in his best interests.
Liked what u had to say 21 as of course there will be both sides.
Boney if it was his lot I think I would have forbidden him to take ds actually!

The hardest thing is he will not budge when he thinks he's right. I got v v upset yesterday day as said to him I do see his point but he coukd not see how my emotions are affected.
Weirdly today he wondered ironically did he have psychopathic nature as he could just cut people off! His dad is very unemotional, his mother tends to hold grudges too so he has not had a model of forgiveness and empathy to work from. My family tend to forgive all at a cost to themselves. We are very different in how we were raised, world view etc.
I do worry about the emotional abuse stuff but then there is a lot in our history when I was v manipulative and selfish that I don't think he has recovered from. I did in the first few years hold all the power and now it seems to have swung the other way. I am hoping a balance will prevail!

Sounds like you have been talking with him. What would happen if you sat down and explained how you see the differences between your families and upbringing as you've outlined here - would he agree with the assessment do you think?

Then go on to explore what would happen if you treated his family like he treats yours for the things that annoy don't fit with your view of family - how would he feel if you said he couldn't see his family because of xyz? And how would he treat your family if he had more like your view of family and were more forgiving and open?

Then move on to say that it seems from both of you come from seeing the opposite ends of the spectrum as normal and that both of you could do with trying to meet in the middle for the sake of your dc.

On a separate note - how Would he react to you trying to ban him from doing something? If he would listen to you when you were worried about something and even though he didn't really agree with them he would still stop doing whatever because he knew you were worried then that's fine and if he is worried about something then it is fair enough that his protective instincts come out. However, if he is banning you from doing things because he believes that he is ultimately the one who is in charge and he has the right to ban you from doing things whereas you don't have the right to ban him from stuff then that is something very different that you also need to be able to talk through with him to make him realise you are both equal and he is not in charge. For example, what would he say if you said 'oh don't be so ridiculous' and went to see your mum anyway?

I'm afraid I agree with your DH.

Those of my family that I trust to have my son know full well that my sister is not to have him, take him out, go to her place or anything. Chances of her friends/police turning up may be slim however my son is never being risked in that situation. If I find out they ever have they will no longer have my son. No discussion, no argument, this is my son, he will not be exposed to that risk.

If a woman said I don't want my H to take my son to his brothers due to police involvement & dodgy friends we would all be saying stick to it you are protecting your son. As soon as a bloke say no it is controlling

It also sounds like your DH put up with a lot of shit from your brother if it ruined the first year of your marriage before cutting him out. That sounds like he tried to get past/ignore it to me unless there is more you are not telling us.

He isn't stopping you from seeing your family is he just protecting your son.

I think your DH ha every right not to let his child near such people, I think if you want to go you go alone

Xales sounds similar situation but confusing with my brother as he is perfectly sweet to face but seems to leas a seedy double life. I have agreed with dh and my mum has accepted this. I am still very upset about it though.
Zip if I forbade my dh from doing something out of concern he would do what I asked I am fairly sure.bwe have had the family difference discussion in relate and it was very helpful at the time. I think, as rabid has said, I will go alone but that Wong last as six mtgs pregnant with next one so I think that ultimately I prob won't see much of him at all.
Xales dh did not try to work on relationship with younger bro but endured insults in silence until one day he just cut him off completely. He never told him why I had to do that and younger bro never accepted his part. Think they hot handled it terribly.