Potted history.. my father was never a good dad.. as a small child he used to amuse himself by teasing me til I sobbed (despite Mum's best efforts to protect me) As I grew up he was mostly unpleasant, always highly critical and constantly belittled everything I ever said or did with the odd bout of physical abuse thrown in. He wasn't any nicer to my mother either and when they divorced after one of his affairs it was the best thing she ever did..she has been free and happier ever since. I don't remember a single thing he ever did just to be kind :(
He continued his contant belittling though out my adult life. My DH was horrified the first time he started on me in his presence and told him to stop..probably the first time anyone outside the family ever challenged him. However his attitude never changed. Despite all of this I have tried ...I hoped that maybe he would be a Grandad if he couldn't be a Dad, and when the children were smaller it was ok..we don't live nearby so they had limited exposure, however he soon started as they became older and able to express their own opinions:( For example the time my DD1 told hims she was hoping to study medicine at University, he told her she would NEVER get in, because you have to be REALLY clever, and to go to private school..bla bla. That time I told my step mother and she wiped the floor with him.. but nevertheless he has continued in that vein. (DD is now at Uni studying medicine bte 
)
Sadly my lovely step mum died a year ago..very suddenly. He was devastated and also helpless as he has never lived alone, and always been waited on by women. I was there immediately..spent weeks sorting out the house, his finances etc etc and being as supportive as I possibly could. I really hoped maybe we could have a decent adult relationship.
But no.. he's still horrible...and today was the last straw. he has refused to visit his dying mother..95 years old..living 300 miles away from me, 180 miles away from him. I decided to go and just spend a little time with her, and am very glad I did. So today I got a call demanding to know why I went.. was I hoping for her will?? Why didn't I take him, why didn't I ask permission to visit my own gran? He was very rude..and finally FINALLY I put the phone down on him.
I was upset, and when I explained to my DD2, she simply said 'but Mum he has always been horrible to you... we noticed years ago..you don't have to accept it just because he is your dad'
She is right. I'm 44, I have a wonderful DH, four lovely children, and shouldn't be still trying to seek his approval when I know it will never come.
But the realisation..at last.. still hurts so much and I don't know how to get past it:(
How do I do that? I don't want to cut him off, but I just don't want to take it any more:/