Alcoholic ex seeing children

[bugalugso]

I left my alcoholic ex about 1.5 years ago after a string of alcoholic incidents including violence towards me. The final straw was when I got home to find him drunk in the day and threatened to pack my bags, after going up stairs I came down stairs to hear chocking noises and found him in the garden with the washing line around his neck. I had to cut him down, but the worst part of all is that the children had heard him chocking and had nearly gone to see what the noise was.

Anyway, I left and during this time I have been harassed, had threats of him smashing my face in and taking the children from school at worst and at best he has seen the children at my house under my supervision. The one time he had them alone he took them to the pub where I have had to go and get them.

However, I have never refused access to the children. 2 months ago it came to a head and he went in to rehab (mainly because he was going to evicted from his flat) and was placed under suicide watch for the first week (he has a history of self harm). Anyway he emerged a changed man and was sober for 2 weeks, his parents then broke the news that we were moving to an area about an hour away. He flipped went back on the booze and the abusive voice messages started. He is now sober again but wanting to see the children next Sunday. Bearing in mind he has not seen them for 3 months with no contact and they will soon be starting an new school and moving to an new area. I think it would be in their best interests for him to start phoning them once a week for a month, then initiate visits, which I am quite happy to drive them to his parents. Am I being over the top or should he even be seeing them at all when he is recently out of rehab and mentally unstable?

Thank you for reading any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am petrified of having to pick up the pieces again just before we move house.

I'd take legal advice, perfectly, and try to set up supervised visitation at a contact centre!

I don't think you're being unduly cautious. You have to put your children's welfare and wellbeing first. If it was my ex I think I'd want him to have been sober for more than a week or two and I'd want supervised visits either via his parents or a contact centre.

To begin with I'd imagine that it's more than reasonable to ask him to stay at his parents' house with the children and if his folks are willing, that they call you/bring the kids to you if they're at all in doubt about his sobriety or mental state... Given the past it's not over the top to ask him to take contact slowly - you and your kids need to be sure that being with him is safe and secure, emotionally as well as in any other way.

It seems like a good plan and you seem a very generous ex wife and mother, considering.

How old are the children ?
If you trust his parents organise supervised visits there. .better a visit n person for short time eg two hours first visit then follow up phone calls . Long term contact centre if his parents to up to it . If they willing then use the parents .
Keep good records .

He prob will be ok for a few weeks maybe months ? But you need to see long term evidence before you move to unsupervised eg 12 months. If he not happy he can take it to court arena and you can ask for full disclosure of medical records etc

Thank you for you advice. Children are 5 and 2. Last night he had been drinking and the phonecalls started again all night.

Do you think I am being over generous and should actually stop contact for now until he is more stable? Can I do this?

you can do this, what would happen is that he would need to apply to a court for a visitation order that stipulates the time he can spend with his children. In all probability it would be supervised visits, once a week or something similar. In some cases you might be able to stipulate that he initiate consistent 'other' contact (skype, phone call or letters) to demonstrate his ability to be consistent etc.

Check the lone parents board for similar experiences. And do, please, get legal advice. You don't owe him a relationship with his kids. HE owes THEM a relationship with their father. You can be as reasonable as you like but if he is unstable/not sober then you are not going to get a reasonable response, sadly :(

Do you keep a diary? I think that it's a really good idea to do this (and I do with my ex, even though we have none of the same problems). Record all contact you have with him. EG, when he calls and leaves messages write down what he has said, what time he rang, how many times etc. Also keep a record of all texts/emails. Especially keep track of everything you have offered in terms of contact and what has been taken up, or if he has been unable to follow through due to issues relating to being drunk etc.

A court will be interested first in the best interests of the children, not in his right to see them (which is important, but secondary). The rights in question are their right to a happy, secure and positive relationship with their dad. If you offer a way for this to happen, but he cannot fulfil it... basically, you have absolutely nothing to worry about at all. He needs to demonstrate that he is consistent, reliable, sober, responsible etc. YOU don't need to show that he is those things, just be able to explain why you have restricted contact when he clearly isn't those things.

HTH

Refuse informal contact.

Let him approach a solicitor. If he doesn't, there's your safety for now.

If he does, explain that yes you would like your children to see their father (NOT him to see them, note the difference....) but you are concerned about his mental health and alcohol use.

This will be seriously considered by the professionals, who will prescribe him to do XYZ, and observe his capacity to do so, and voila the contact.

Do not feel guilty about this. I would also explain to him that what he is doing is harming the babies, and you must keep them safe from that harm, and so for the good of you all, you are refusing informal contact for now, because you want it to be formalised. Ignore the shouting and screaming. Do not answer his texts and calls and definitely not the door. Call 999 if you have to.

Well done x

I agree with something2say. If he wants to see the kids let him go to a solicitor and apply through the courts. When CAFCASS get involved you can tell them your concerns. I suspect in this case supervised contact would be recommended. As for the harassment, at the very least keep a diary and don't delete any texts as they are evidence. Have you thought about reporting him to the police?

Given their v young ages you simply cannot allow any contact other than strictly supervised ina contact centre.
Contact centres for this age are fine toys books etc and safe no chance of him being drunk there. Look for your local ones if you need to offer him a concrete location www.naccc.org.uk

They are not old enough to be able to recount odd or worrying behaviour so you just cannot risk unsupervised contact.

Keep good records and let him pursue thru proper channels so that if needs be court can set certain. Preconditions to his contact.

To be honest unless there Is clear indication of real change over many months then in my view best he simply sees the dc supervised for short times and dc get used to him being a periperal presence in their lives. . If you build up weekly or more phone calls etc without proof of his willingness to seek real help and change then you build them up for a let down again and again.

Offer regular contact centre contact my dc did this and in fact it went really well. Unfortunately when it then built up over time to unsupervised he had another severe relapse and I had to stop contact
Again. But dc were then older and dds were able to express their concerns and explain what bits of his behaviour were concerning (it later transpired other people had been concerned too but me thinking that the fact he was taking them to visit his friends meant the friends were looking out for dc was misplaced
Only officially supervised places like contact centre can really give you that security and especial when they still so young .

This sounds very similar to my situation.
My daughter's alcoholic father has also tried to emotionally blackmail me with threats etc so I have changed my mobile so I can choose when to switch the house phone on. I have arranged for a good night phone call every night if he chooses to make it. He sees her once a week for access with me present, however I have stated in a letter from the solicitor that during that period he must not discuss anything in front of her.
I have refused unsupervised contact and my solicitor has researched it for me. The last letter states he must prove that he is sober and has not touched alcohol for 6 months before that unsupervised contact can occur. In the last few months there has been suicide attempts, threatening behaviour, drunk driving and an admittance that he drank whilst with her and took her to the bottle bank/ shop to buy booze.
My view is that you can never be too careful with the most precious things in your life. Her father has never put her first, he has put the booze first. He was not thinking of her needs (or the public's safety) whilst consuming a litre bottle of vodka and driving. I am very lucky that she is not old enough to remember or been hurt during the drinking sprees. She is not old enough to hear the messages or read the emails that still come on a daily basis.
Please don't think you are being over cautious. If something did happen, you would never forgive yourself. Go with your gut instinct and although I do feel that children need to know that their parents love them, they don't need a parent that is emotionally abusive or puts a bottle first. Wait till he is in a better place and proves it. If he loves his children and is prepares to put them first, he will be happy to prove this.

Solicitors often do a reduced rate for the first hour, so it might be good just to talk it through. Do check that they have had experience working with alcohol in a relationship as it is quite specialised.

Best of luck x