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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When do you draw the line?

21 replies

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 20:13

My husband an I have been living apart for a few months now. I asked him to leave because of an ongoing drink and depression problem that was having a real impact on our children. To clarify, he is the drinker and depressive, not me.

I have been increasingly happier and less stressed since he left. The boys are happy too. In an ideal world he will stop drinking, sort himself out and we can rebuild our marriage but frankly it is one boring, crap incident after another. I can't even bring myself to tell anyone about the latest in the saga because even I am bored of it now.

The thought of years like this makes me scared. I want out, but I need to know how much time I should give it before knowing that I gave it my best shot. I don't want to kick him when he is down either, but even his parents have had enough.

OP posts:

jby03 · 02/03/2012 20:18

hello hun, really feel for you, but i think only you can make that choice, go with your gut instinct, it will never let you down.
all the best hun x

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2012 20:21

I don't understand. You are living separately now, aren't you? Is it supposed to be a trial separation? If so, I'm afraid you will have to tell him that you've had some time apart and find your life is much happier now.

You can't possibly keep it going when he'd be the only person happier as a result - and he wouldn't be happy enough, ie his depression wouldn't lift and he wouldn't stop drinking, would he?

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 20:26

Well, the reason I asked him to leave was because the impact it was having on the children. It was supposed to give him space to sort himself out but in reality it has become clear that he is completely disengaging from his role as a father.

He is self employed and he is becoming increasingly unable to function. I am sure he will be dead within 5 years and I am so sad for us all. Before this he was lovely, so caring. Now he is a selfish alcoholic.

I work full time now as a result and I am trying to be the best I can for the children, ad the less involved I am with him the easier I find it.

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 02/03/2012 20:53

Meh, you are all happier now and he is not stepping up to the mark. Make it permanent, there are no medals for marriage martyrdom.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2012 20:58

"Crossed the line? You are so far OVER the line that the line is just a dot to you"

OK it's a quote from Friends but you did your best, you owe this man nothing. Time to keep on moving on.

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 21:20

Hehe, I'm not a friends fan but I like that line. I would feel that way tooi if advising someone else but it is different here. It's a weird thing, but I feel like I owe it to my children to give it a whirl but also to keep him away from them.

I don't need anything from him. I can support me and the boys (just) and I feel like I can do anything right now so long as I can keep my head together. The more I see him the worse I feel. I'd really like a less complicated life. This is dull.

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muddleddaizy · 02/03/2012 21:22

(hug) Sorry I have no helpful advice.

AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 21:25

You draw the line when you say so.

I found this passage really helpful when I was in a situation not dissimilar to yours.

You are doing a great job.

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 21:34

Thank you, AyeRobot, i found that passage incredibly moving. It is incredibly helpful, thank you.

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AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 21:39

No problem, just paying back what was paid to me

It's true, though, isn't it? There comes a point where you realise that moving forwards means that at least one of you (or in your case, one and the children) can have some lightness in your lives, rather than all being constantly weighed down. It just doesn't have to be the way you were living before. And if he chooses to live otherwise, then there you go.

Good on you for making the first steps, and big ones at that. It gets better, whatever happens with him. Honestly.

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 21:48

I know it does get better. The trouble is, every time it does get better I get sucked back into thinking we can find a way of getting back together. In my heart I know that this isn't really possible.

I get excited when I think about the future. I want to move on. I just feel the guilt.

OP posts:

AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 21:51

Can you put that guilt into words? Guilty about what? Leaving him behind?

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 22:02

Yes, leaving him behind, although I know the reality is that he left us behind when he chose to carry on drinking. He is a nice man. Increasingly selfish and immature, though. I feel like I have three children, or two.

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AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 22:16

I know.

Its not your job to heal him, though. It's your job to get your kids to adulthood with the minimum of disruption from him. And to follow your path. You just don't have the same one. it might feel like drama, but it's not really - think of your life as a timeline. This is just a part of that.

I know you know this. Just a gentle reminder.

stripeyZ · 02/03/2012 22:19

Don't feel guilty! I think it's courageous to recognise the problem, the effect it has on your children & act on it. So many people live in denial & damage their kids instead.

I say this as an adult child of an alcoholic. They've already lost their dad, i think it's great their mum is putting them first. I wish someone had put us first.

Alcoholism is awful, boring & repetitive & your children are already stuck with that. Moving on is the right thing to do, you don't need to feel bad about it

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 22:56

Please dont feel guilty Llareg, he's an adult you dont have a duty of care towards him, you do have a duty towards your children.
if he's going to continue on the same path he will only be a negative influence and so it would be best to quietly leave him behind if you can.
if he is disengaging from his role as a father, well that is hurtful but then in some ways it makes it easier to keep his influence to the very minimum

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 23:01

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I do like the comment about a timeline. He keeps texting this evening with empty promises of love and I am reading them with a growing feeling of cynicism. I know who his primary relationship is with, and it isn't me. He would crawl over hot coals for drink, yet seemingly not for us.

Now I am being as self pitying as him, but I think I am allowed! I am finding single parenthood very empowering, actually.

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AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 23:16

It's not that you're lacking though. Just remember that. I don't even pretend to understand it, but I do know that prostrating yourself and doing everything "good" doesn't make a difference when the line has been crossed. It's entirely within them at that stage. And who knows where their "bottom" is? For some, it is being caught sneaking drinks, for some it is losing their partner, for some it is having to sleep rough, for some it never comes. That is all outwith your ability to know, I'm afraid.

Have you ever been to an al-anon meeting? They aren't for everyone, but they did help me at a time when I needed it the most.

Original poster

Llareggub · 02/03/2012 23:22

I have been once or twice but my nearest one is on an evening when it is nigh on impossible for me to get a sitter, and after a week in work, I want to spend as much time with the boys as possible. I think I should try and make it a priority though.

Thank you so much for your time this evening. I know my little family is happier without him, and I keep making little, but fun changes to our routine to reinforce our new start. They are young, my DCs, and miss their dad.

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AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 23:32

I know.

Just remember the old cliche of putting the oxygen mask on your own face first. That link I posted up there is to a forum for families of alcoholics - it's a great site with lots of info (or it was - search on posters names within the stickies for some great recovery), but real life support is a quantum leap forward. You could always buy some of the literature and give it a read - that passage was by Melodie Beattie in Language of Letting Go, which has a reading for every day. That helped a lot - not too much to take in at once. I'd send you mine but I've already given it away. There's so many people dealing with what you are living. I'll look on my bookshelf, though and see if there is anything that might help. I am very grateful that I have learned my lessons and don't need this stuff anymore. It becomes second nature - trust me.

Original poster

Llareggub · 03/03/2012 09:29

Yes, definitely agree with that old cliche!

Fortunately I have a good friend who is in a similar situation to me and is still with her husband. Everytime I waver I think about how horrible our situation was and how hard my friend finds it. The main difficulty, I think, is that I want my husband to get better and be a good parent to our sons. Sadly I think too much has happened now for us to be able to reconcile.

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