I am so stressed-Dont know what to do

[Trinab75]

I am about to sell my own precious house to go and live in a joint house with OH of 9 years and our son, but I am having so many doubts about this I feel ill.

Our relationship has always been tempestous but it seems to work somehow although I have always felt there is something missing.
OH says this is just due to us being together so long and that I expect too much after almost 10 years together, some days I feel invisible to him.
As he is so wrapped up in going out, footi, playing on ps2 etc he hardly notices I am there.
I tell him this but he looks and shrugs like he just doesnt know what to do, or gets angry with me for 'playing up'.
I dont think our relationship is much different to most other couples we know,maybe I am just being intolerant or maybe I am missing out I just dont know.
But I am freaking out at the moment as I know I will not have the option to escape before too long, my Mum says I am going through something similar to pre wedding jitters, but I dont know if its more than that. I am so scared about being trapped and unhappy?
Anybody else had a similar experience, did it get better once you moved?

Why sell your house? You could rent it out and then, if you find the constant proximity too much, you could move back in at the end of the tenancy period.

He lives with me now, and we need the equity from my house to fund a bigger family home.

Otherwise I would love to rent it out as that would leave me with some security.

I am due to sign it over in two weeks and have a buyer and seller waiting on me, I feel so trapped, I would never have put my house on the market if I had known it would feel like this.

But if I pull out, I will cause so many repercussions.

Things do not get any better once you live together. If he is taking you for granted now, just think what it will be like together all the time. I really would think about this if i were you and don't burn your bridges yet. Freckle is right rent it out and it is there if you need it, if not, it will be an investment in your retirement. Things do not improve after so long in a relationship, i know, i have been there.

I would think that moving in with OH (what is that, by the way? Assuming it's _ husband?), is something you should feel jittery about in a good way, not completely anxious and upset about. Based on your post, your instincts are screaming against it. I think you need to pay attention to why you feel so uneasy/unhappy at the prospect before you make such an important/final decision. I think it's telling that your OH is dismissive of your feelings of unease - is that indicative of the interactions in your relationship? I would think he would feel concerned and anxious to reassure you that all will be OK...

Why not just rent your house out for awhile, rather than selling it straight away?

Whyever are you thinking of moving in with this man? It sounds totally the wrong thing to do and isn't going to improve matters by the sound of it. Moving in with someone should feel like a good thing and make you feel excited and happy, not like this. Do you think you feel like this because you know it's the wrong thing to do?

Ooh, hadn't read earlybird's post but we said v similar things! Sod the equity etc, and sod buyers/sellers, you have to consider YOUR emotional health and the long term consequences of this move, not whether short term you'll upset a couple of complete strangers.

Hiya hun, sorry to here you're so worried. I think deep down you probly know if youre just nervous or if the relationship isnt right for you. All people (especially men!) have good and bad points, if you find his bad points outweigh the good then maybe now is your chance to make a break. I also agree, living together changes nothing. Whatever he's like now is what he'll be like when you live with him, that's just him. You've accepted it for 10years so maybe it is just nerves, maybe you're in the process of deciding that this is as far as you and him are going to go. Don't make any rash decisions. If you're happy with things as they are just stay like it, it sounds like you don't want to sell your house at all so why do it?

Earlybird you are so right my head is saying it is the right thing to do but my instincts are screaming no!
(OH was referring to other half-we are engaged)

I cant work out whether I feel like this because of my relationship or whether it is purely the prospect of loosing my security, as I had quite a turbulant childhood with no real roots as such and worked my butt off to buy/retain this house and have the security I craved.
It has been my only real home but is a bit small to remain here forever.

My OH has been somewhat reassuring and can fully understand why I feel so scared, but he is not really good at emotional stuff and seems somewhat frustrated after reassuring me that all would be well that I am still visably upset.

WWW I did feel extremely excited and happy by the whole thing until last week when the enormity of it all hit me and I am hoping I may start feeling that way again before too long. Or as you say being the sensible person I am maybe I do just deep down know it is the wrong thing to do, or maybe I feel I am going to loose a big part of my identity and independance. I just dont know, maybe all these things.

Thankyou all so much for taking time to reply by the way, I very much appreciate your advice.

Have you thought of relate or is it not that bad?

I think you should sort out the relationship before taking this step, especially since your house represents security to you. Bear in mind that if you marry there is no His and Yours, there are only joint marital assets, i.e. half your house would be his if you divorce (I know you're prob hoping not to but still!)

Are you married? If not, you will be placing yourself in a more difficult situation if you sell the house which you own in your name and buy one in joint names. If the relationship goes t*ts up, you will have no way of getting him out of the house and, if he refuses to sell to give you your share, you will have to go to court to get an order.

At the moment, you are in a very strong position. You have the right to remove him from the house as it is yours. He is effectively a lodger at the moment and, as such, you can throw him out whenever you want. He doesn't seem to bring much to the relationship. Do you really want to leave your secure home and buy a house with someone who treats you the way he does?

Well at the moment I am seriously swaying on the side of pulling out of the whole thing.
Obviously I am concerned about upsetting the buyers/seller but more than that I know if I do pull out this will be as far as our relationship goes.

We have a son together whom I must consider and I just dont know if our relationship is THAT bad,(he got out of bed to get me a drink at 4 in the morning last week, I keep thinking would anyone else do that for me?) or if I am in sheer panic mode.

The fact that you have posted your concerns on here and have stated how he ignores you most of the time seems to suggest that you have deeper concerns about the viability of your relationship than you perhaps think. And I don't think I would value a relationship based on the fact that my OH got out of bed in the middle of the night to get me a drink - once.

Can you sit down and write out a list of the pros and cons of this relationship and then decide if the pros are worth losing your security?

I think there's FAR more risk attached to going ahead than to giving yourself some more time to think about this. Don't just do it because of this English thing about not upsetting people/the applecart! (I know you might not be English but ykwim I hope!) If it's a good relationship then he will understand what your house represents to you and won't mind waiting a bit longer. We can't know what else is going on but from what you've posted it really does seem a good idea to wait. Um, plenty of people do lovely things for their partners in the middle of the night and at other times, please don't stay with him because he got you a 4am drink once!

Spooky, I keep posting exactly the same as other people, freckle's post wasn't there when I started typing mine!

No we are not married as yet, and he has agreed to sign a deed of trust which states I recieve some of my deposit plus 50/50 share of the remaining equity if we were to split. Although I have been told these deeds are not foolproof.

We tried relate before just after my son was born, as things were really bad between us then, we have been much better since although there is still that underlying atmosphere you sometimes get when there has been water under the bridge and the occasional fierce row, but when we are good we are really good, we have such a laugh most people cant believe we have been together so long.

Hmm. some of your deposit? And 50/50? What's he putting in?

Yes, that seems odd. Why should you only get back some of your deposit? You should get all of it back, plus more than 50% of the balance as, without your deposit, there wouldn't be any equity to share.

And 10 years isn't that long.

I know the water thing was a really crap example wasnt it, but it obviously means alot to me as I keep thinking back to it, oh dear maybe i should get out more.

Well I definately need some more time to think about this especially as now I can bring your thoughts into the equation.

He is going to be paying the entire monthly outgoings for the new house and has contributed towards outgoings for many years in this house.

This is a difficult one, but I would say trust your instincts. If you are having any doubts then don´t sell your house. The stress you go through now won´t be as bad as the stress if you did move in together and then things didn´t work out. You have your son to consider to so I would make sure that you are 100 % committed before moving in together.

It sounds like you need some time to think this through. Good luck.

I put all the deposit in and was having serious doubts about dp. It's all turned out ok, i still get back all deposit and half equity if it goes wrong and he's paying the mortgage. I'm off work with the kids. Maybe try relate again but i don't think you should care about the buyers/sellers. This is your life we're talking about!!!!!

PIP
The thing is I cant work out whether my instincts are telling me not to go ahead because I deep down feel It is wrong or just because the thought of not being as entirely independant and self sufficient scares the hell out of me.

Thanks for some insight into your situation Yummymummy24, I would be getting a good chunk of my deposit back as well as 50/50 equity so I do have that security, I think its more worrying about all the other complications such as getting the money back and finding somewhere else to live if anything did go wrong thats getting to me, as I have seen so many people around us go through this and I am petrified in case it ever happened to me as I do not have family to fall back on.

My partner can completely understand why I am feeling this way, but it is wearing thin now, to the point he has said for me to pull out if the prospect of living jointly with him is so bad. But I know if I did this it would seriously damage our relationship.

I would hope things would improve if we moved as I have found myself picking up on every minor thing he does to annoy me and being extremely intolerent lately and obviously have had the pressure of the move weighing on me.

I am glad things worked out for you Yummymummy, maybe it is entirely naural to have such doubts at such a time.