being imobile is doing so much damage

[lolaflores]

i am having ongoing back problems. referral has finally been made to pain clinic but am getting less mobile by the week. last few days have been a horror, husband doing alot. friends picking up dd2. and i just sit and cry because I feel so useless. he is very angry on the surface, and i understand but i cannot do anything to make it better. i have moments of usefulness followed by increasingly long episodes of not much use to anyone. we are not really managing, I want to get someone in to help but he doesn't seem keen. my mum is not much help when things are good so she is a no go zone. friends are wonderful, but how long do I keep asking?

I keep apologising to him, but then I say, I hope it never comest to your door that you are dependant on someone for things. it is the shittiest place to be and not be able to do mucch about it. how do i make it better? Will it be the end of us. I am so worried and anxious about it all

My sympathies to you, what a difficult situation.

I have been in a similiar situation (fortunatley my issues are now under control). I found my mental health was very fragile. I found it helped to do things around the house, even the smallest of things. I used to unload the dishwasher even if it took me an hour and had to leave some of the things for him to do. I got my own drinks and food even though it would take me over an hour to do a sandwich and drink. I did loose weight to see if that would help (it didn't btw). It helped to moan about the situation as little as possible (saying you hope he is never dependant on someone will not help, especially as I guess it would be you helping him).

Looking back I wish I had asked the NHS earlier for help and I should have been on the phone to the doctors every day shouting for help. I think I would have if I had to return to paid work. I should have thrown money at the issue to try and help - chiropractors, accupuncture, physio. I didn't because my mental health didn't allow me to see how to help myself and it felt high risk because we didn't have much money.

Good luck.

thank you pink, i am physically unable to do much. if i could i would do what was possible but that is getting less and less. not feeling very optimistic about things at the moment

Are you getting all the help you can from the NHS? I think it took me a while to realise that the NHS would happily let me lie at home in agony if I let them.

that has dawned on me too. I have pushed and pushed for every tiny bit of movement. like i said, pain clinic is on the cards so waiting for an appointment. the whole situation is very damaging to us all. so fed up

if it will be long term you could ask SS for additional help with DC? ask on the disabled parents forum here for advice

thank you for that ceslavielife

I am stunned that you feel that you have to apologise to this man because you are ILL
At times like this, he should be the rock that you can lean on, his support for you strong and unfaltering. He should be looking after you, not making you feel guilty.
OP I am at a loss for words as he sounds exactly like my ex husband and there really is no advice that I can give you, apart from saying that what he is doing to you is WRONG

Sapphire, believe me I am stunned too. am thinking about making him have a quick refresher course on the old marriage vows. right now i fucking hate him.

I really sympathise. I have a broken ankle at the moment and my DH is behaving as though I did it on purpose to make his life difficult. Would be nice if it made them realise how much we normally do and appreciate us! If you can possibly afford it get a cleaner for a bit. Also, say yes to all offersofhelp. People don't ask if they don't mean it. Be specific about what would be useful. Xxx

He is ANGRY? Because you are ill? Good God, he is being an absolute dick! Do not apologise to him, you have nothing to apologise for!
Tempted to say get yourself well and then leave the bastard.

Ok. What's the problem with your back and what exactly have you been prescribed? I know that's not why you're posting, but I'm a bit of a veteran...

I'm in a similar position Lola- I fractured 2 vertebrae in the summer and have 2 prolapsed discs. You SHOULD NOT be apologising to him - its not like you wanted this to happen, is it? And if the roles were reversed i'm sure he would be expected to be waited on hand and foot

A marriage/ partnership shouldn't be about taking what you can get, its about looking after each other with a happy heart. I have taken care of dh in the past, through surgery, full blown flu, hangovers but it is now his turn to take care if me. Not to say that there is any point scoring involved, but surely if you love someone then the looking after bit goes without saying?

Have you told him how he makes you feel Lola?

I have a prolapsed disc and it is touching the sciatic nerve. it has been getting steadily worse in the last 2 years. I am taking tramadol. gabba pentin sent me slightly mental. Am waiting for a pain clinic referral.
He does not get it when I try to explain. he has never had to be dependant on anyone. its like "you still not better?"
I am in no position at the moment to do much, but although not a one for grudge (me dear? who Dear? grudge dear? no dear!) this is not going to be forgiven or forgotten. it cannot be.
he is all smiles again as I went to the school (full of tramadol but mobile) and wept in front of one of the teachers in the hope of getting DD2 into the breakfast club. this somehow soothed him....don't know why.
there is a long road ahead of us I know
thank you all. i did think i was mental

Poor you. Have you had a cortisone injection?

God, he so needs a wake up call

Sorry you're suffering OP, my mum had similar years back so I have some idea of how horrible it is.

Your DH is an arsehole but you must know that so sorry for stating the obvious.

Being immobile isnt doing the damage, your 'D'H is doing the damage by being a selfish nasty shitface.

It may well be tough for him but when you love someone you want to care for them not treat them with contempt.

Im tempted to say the relationship board line....LTB.

Mr. Rufty Tufty doesn't do ill or sick or anything weak. it gets his goat I think. His priorities in life are as follows

His fathers opinion on everything and anything
His work
Our daughter
football
Me.
This list has been worked out by me over the years. Trying to get between any of the above leaves you in exposed territory and right up against it. SO, if my back means he cannot go to work and stop the space shuttle blowing up or other such events, then I go in the naughty pile. If if think his father is a fucking blowhard mysoginistic cunt of the highest possible standing, well you guessed it. The week rotates around football fixtures, getting back in time for MOTD.
He loves our dd without condition...which is fine.
I am a movable feast at the best of times and at the worst some sort of intentional pain in his arsehole who's only purpose in life is to "crush him", those are his words. With my back? Don't think so dear.

Lola, he sounds very selfish, you must be furious, you are suffering he upset that you're in pain and he should be taking care of you.
What a b@stard

I have had some problems with sciatica caused by a prolapsed disc, although not as serious as you have described.

I had treatment from a physiotherapist which helped alot.
I still get twinges, I find yoga very helpful to keep the problem under control.
I realise that's not going to be much use to you whilst your problem is acute but it may be something to look at in the longer term?

correction!
that should read 'he should be upset that you're in pain'

hope that cortisol injections may give me some mobility back for however long that lasts. mind you have been reading the thread about the most pain you have been in.....oh dear god I came over faint with some of it. though back pain is up there in the top 10.
he is a selfish sod, really he is. so i think it might be time for the high jump and a bit of a straightener

Are you on the waiting list for a cortisone injection then? I know you're in pain, but moving, Physio and Pilates are very important... The muscles which hold your back up can atrophy very easily

My sympathies; chronic back pain here too except with me it's due to EDS.
It is all very well saying your partner is this and that but it is hard when they can't physically see anything wrong with you, like a broken leg. But still, not easy to be on the receiving end of his anger. Getting someone in to help could absolutely help take the strain off. My carer cooks for me for an hour a week and makes lots of big meals in bulk so I only have to defrost them and that's massively helpful.

I wear one of these and it's amazing the difference it makes, as does my Tempur mattress (not cheap but you can get at topper on ebay). Would you be able to try either of those while waiting for your appointment?

I hope the pain clinic helps.

Massive sympathy, and please stop apologising, it isn't your fault!

my mum has had serious back and mobility problems, arthritis and chronic pain for over 15 years, so have some idea of how awful it is and the strain it puts on relationships.

Agree re the NHS, it can be shit for things like this. Keep hassling, and prepare well for the pain appointment. Try to get them to agree to regular appointments and ask about different options for treatment (mum has had surgery, epidurals, steroid injections and other things).Try different drug combinations (GP can help with this under the consultant's guidance). Find out if there is any psychological support available - for both of you, separately.

As for the relationship, your DH doesn't sound supportive, how was the relatio ship before all this? If not good, perhaps think of your options and start to gather information, advice about money, support etc.