I don't know what to do :(

[AttillaTheMum]

I don't know where to start. DH and I have never had a easy relationship. we are both very headstrong and bicker a lot.
We have 2 DDs and they are very young (both under two)

I have had PND since DD1 was born, obviously this got worse when I had DD2.
DH didn't grow up in a good environment (Narc mother and abusive father) so although he tries he isn't naturally affectionate, I am.

So anyway he does shift work and is always tired, I work from home and look after the children (self employed) so I am also tired. We have bickered so much that things have just died away. I really resent him, i resent that he isn't cuddly, i resent that he moans, i resent that he is forgetful. Everything he does annoys me. I don't feel like I like him but the thought of being without him terrifies me - I love him very much.
He feels like I control him, I think I do. I am so emotional at the moment I do exactly what I feel at that second and am very impulsive, If i am angry I will throw something, if i am hurt i bawl my eyes out. Its not normal.My head feels cloudy and I don't feel in control.
I don't know what to do, This isn't like other people on here who have massive problems, I think he will leave me. He said he regrets marrying me but will never divorce me.

I love him and I don't want him to leave but life is such hard work. He is really angry with me at the moment. I have been having suicidal thoughts and feelings recently but im so pathetic I wouldn't even have the guts to do that.

I wanted to name change, If you know me please don't out me!

sorry to hear of your troubles op. you sound dreadfully stressed.

what medication have you had for your pnd? it sounds like it's still very much affecting you.

I am on mood stabilizing antidepressents. I feel so sad. He is in the spare room tonight

Your starting point has to be regaining some feelings of control and happiness in yourself, so I would go to the doctor/go back to the doctor and tell them exactly how bad you feel. You shouldn't be feeling this bad, and it's unlikely to be just the relationship driving it. Life is hard work when you are depressed or distressed. I would also ask for counselling, is there any chance you could afford one privately, if not go on the NHS list, or go to a clinic/counsellor who might accept reduced payments.

I just hear that tone of chaos and panic in what you say, I've been there and you can't make good decisions about the relationship when you feel like this. It may be as that panicky awful feeling subsides your relationship improves, it may be that the fog clears and you realise it's not going to work. Either way, you do need help for what is a medical condition, you don't have to live like this. I hope you get the help you need.

Go to counselling - get yourself some space (I mean head space) and work on your feelings. Focus on you and how you behave. Funnily enough as we sort ourselves out and get inner balance, a lot of our problems alleviate or seem much less.

PND made me feel very out of control and i then started to be controlling over the minutae of life. I don't know if that resonates with you? But as I got better some things became less important. Counselling has really been the key for me.

There are lots of books out there to help you too. Live in Freedom is a good book IMO. Helps you to detach from taking things so personally (a bit waffly but touchy feely books tend to be)

FWIW DH and I both work shifts so we are tired a lot and it does make everything seem worse. Your DH doing shifts and you doing 2 jobs is bound to be stressful and tiring. Prioritise yourself and your mental health for a while,difficult I know but essential. You may find all areas improve ans if not you'll be stronger and more able to cope.