How do I know if I still love him?

[nancysgirl]

I am supposed to working from home today but instead have spent the day in a complete trance, drifting from 1 place 2 the other. And all because I think I am going to have to end my relationship with my DH.I really don't know if I even like him anymore, let alone love him and I wonder how I will ever know what I really feel or have the courage to do anything about it.

We have been married for 4 years and have 1 DD. Since the birth of DD our relationship has gone down hill,( not helped by PND, but also the death of my dad) but I really feel that he has never accepted that life has to change when you are parents. He still behaves as a single guy-is away a lot, out playing sport, comes and goes when he feels like it, lies about where he is, doesn't come back at agreed times, stays out til 2 or 3 am and is un-contactable etc. and I have been at home on my own with our child(now 2.6) If this wasn't bad enough, he had an affair with a woman at work earlier this year, but we decided to try and cope with it and stay together. We had a lot of talks on what had gone wrong and he promised to put them right, acknowledging that he had treated me very badly and been extremely selfish. I wanted to believe he would change, but he hasn't made any effort, or when he does he does it in a martyrish way! I insisted that we should go to relate but he hates it and sees it as an attack on him.
As if this wasn't enough he has now started to be very rude and offensive to me,berates me for not saying or doing the right thing-most of it untrue. We have now got to a stage where I would rather he did go out!
Anyway, I realise we can't go on like this much longer and I am trying to decide what to do. What if we split up but discover that we do really still love each other? God, sounds daft after all I've said!
Any ideas anyone?

Nancysgirl - I feel for you. No one tells you that you have to deal with all this kind of sh@t as well as the birth and child do they. It is a great shock for most men.
I know, from experience, that what I am about to suggest is not easy and i don't know your logistical situation, but get some time apart.
Go and stay with a friend for a week. Not ina cloud of resentmet nor huffiness but just to get some practical space between you so you can get your confidence back at being a great mum unhampered by his hissy fits and get a fresh perspective. I think that is the first stage and then you will be able to approach the question of do you love him (and does he deserve you)

Do hope you can get some head space

Best of luck

Message withdrawn

I am currently having a very similiar situation see my thread 'what the hell have i done'i went through the same emotions and just had enough,we separated 1 1/2 years ago and i am now going through sh*t because i realise that i do love him after all,we just needed the space to sort things out.

I agree that time apart would be a good thing. You need to decide whether being alone is better than being with dh but always being disapointed. My guess is you might still love dh - you just don't love how he is treating you. And rightly so.

Good luck
XX

Nancysgirl - I know how you feel have got a clone of him at my house I think!! I can't give you any advice as am in similar situation, but you will do what is best for you, don't let him drag you down he is obviously being defensive for a reason. I used to stay in look after dd and not do much socially really, but now I go out once or twice a month with friends and dp has to babysit, has made him realise how difficult it is sometimes. Do you manage to have much of a social life - it does help and you may be suprised to find yourself staying out till 3am!!!

Thanks everyone-wow that was quick!!
I know he is being defensive as he has some issues with his past which only came to light recently but he did promise he would seek professional help on this matter which he has not and I am so sick of everything being brought back to that, He has made NO effort to sort his problems out and I feel I am bearing he brunt of it-he permits himself to be as moody and as horrible as he likes because of his issues-or because I am unsympathetic.(I'm not-just his way of getting at me). Sometimes I feel I just can't win, so I say nothing then that too is held against me.

I do think some time apart would be a good thing BUT I am pretty sure that if I suggest it he will throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak!! I mean he will say I don't love him and we might aswell call it a day now. He has always said he had the affair cos I didn't love him(!!!!!) and is constantly saying "right I'll leave then" if I ever talk about anything I am not happy about.

No, I don't think he still loves me, in fact I doubt he ever has. He may have thought he did but I don't think he has any idea what that means. He is totally self-centred-there is only him in his world.

Oh dear, what a rant-sorry!

I think he's trying to get you to take the decision for him - and as for the affair being your fault, as I'm sure you're aware - the idea is not only ridiculous, but also insulting. If he's not prepared to put some real effort in and understand the implications of his actions it sounds like an impossible situation. Lots of luck and so hope it works out for you. How's your dd?

If you think he doesn't love you - why would you want him to stay? Sykes is right he is looking for an easy way out and with no blame on himself
I wish I could be more helpful....
Keep your chin up, maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you want to say aswell as the horrible bits and let him read it one day whilst you make yourself scarce, sometimes it is easier like that as you can't get into an arguement - it will also give him time to contemplate what it is he actually wants.

My ex used to say these types of things to me - I think he thought it would control my behaviour and enable him to carry on doing exactly as he liked. In fact it did! I certainly wouldn't put up with it at this stage in my life, but at that time he had demoralised me to the point where I couldn't see the situation clearly any more.

His behaviour is very selfish, and your needs are never going to be met while this goes on. Whether you love each other or not isn't really the issue. Being in love isn't necessarily going to make you happy. Whether you love him or not, if he refuses to make any concessions to your needs he is only going to give you a life of misery. I wish I could sound more optimistic and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Aren't you lot amazing? It's a very good point-why do I want him to stay if I don't think he loves me? Maybe I'm hoping that he will if I hang around long enough! Poor self esteem or what? No I don't know. It's the fear of failure and DD being apart from her Dad, and the economic implications etcetc. And yes how relevant is the love thing if being together makes you miserable? But this is why I'm in such a mess as I have all these things going round in my head and can't see that either staying or going is the answer. Phew-I have an essay to write as well as everything else!

DD is fine thanks for asking. She is an absolute delight and the 1 shining star in all of this-despite being a little monkey getting dressed for nursery this a.m!! She told DH the other day "Mummy ried" (can't do the "c" in "cry"-sweet) but he didn't understand!! Am worried how much she picks up though. Not that we row in front of her but just my dejection and us being on our own so much with me determined not to let on that 'm p**d off with Daddy again!
Talking of which...need to get her from nursery-thanks everyone

I'm a married man thats been dating a much younger lady for 11 years. The relationship is over now, but I would like to know if I can get her back. She was a junior in college when we first met, and I was 36 years old. I was having problems with my marriage at the time so I guess that's why I got involved with her. It seemed like we had a lot in common, enjoying doing the same things. I saw her almost every day for the first year. We would never miss a day without talking on the phone for at least 5 years into the relationship. I paid for basically everything this woman needed up until the time she got her masters degree. After she got her bachelors degree, she told me about a guy she knew in college that wanted her to visit him for the weekend. I objected of course, but she went anyway. She would continue to see this guy a few times a year for about 2 and a half years. When the guy told her he was moving here to be with her, she broke off the relationship, stating she couldn't date two men in the same town. The first time she mentioned marriage to me was after she broke it off with him. I told her I loved her and wanted to marry her, but I was afraid of the effects it would have on my 2 young children. About 3 years later she met a man while visiting her girlfriend in another state. This long distance relationship lasted about 2 years, but not to the degree of the first one. She was still seeing me while seeing these men. About 9 months ago she met someone here locally. I also want to add that all three of these men made a good salary. The last 2 men were around my age as well. Soon after she started seeing him, I sensed she might be slipping away, so I left my wife. She would not stop seeing this man, even after I left, saying I made her wait too long. She also said that she was afraid that if she told this new guy it was over, I would eventually go back to my wife. I feel I have lost her forever. I have not spoken with her in over 2 months. Is there hope again for us, or did I really screw up?

You say your relationship was about love but you keep hinting about money, eg that you paid for everything and her new dp's have money. Does a part of you think she is a gold-digger?

You say your relationship was about love but you keep hinting about money, eg that you paid for everything and her new dp's have money. Does a part of you think she is a gold-digger?