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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it possible for a man and woman (who have slept together) to maintain a good frienship?

23 replies

weirdstuff · 01/03/2012 21:41

The background,I am single (due to bereavement).Last year I met up with an old pal from University(he is also single).We had lost touch but he found me on a social networking site shortly after the death of my spouse.So we communicated a lot via messages and eventually phone.After several months we met upWe had a lovely time together culminating in the fact that during his stay we ended up sleeping together.Which was unexpected and lovely.We never made any huge promises to be "together" or anything.Things did get a little intense at one point but then "cooled off" and we are back to the friendly part of being friends,There is a big distance involved.But we are still in contact and do get on very well.It is just such a weird situation to be in and I wonder if anyone else has had a similar story.I just hope that we can maintain this friendship,whether it still entails the physical part or not.Is that insane???

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 01/03/2012 22:06

Yes. We were travelling buddies and slept together but I was in love with someone else (now DH) and he was off travelling and I wanted to go "home" (was living abroad). We stayed friends and he danced with me at my wedding.

DH met him at our wedding and they got on well.

pancakedayisover · 01/03/2012 22:07

Well it sounds as if you are managing to stay friends already! I suppose the crunch will come if either of you has a significant other and they don't "get" the friendship- which makes you each other's ex's really.

Is the contacting each other equal-or are you keener, and do you really want it to be more?

snoopdogg · 01/03/2012 22:09

There is someone I have known for over 30 years, with whom I have had a physical relationship at various occasions over the years, when we have both been single and often at times when we both needed comfort after traumatic life events or a safe place in difficult times, and who I would describe as my best friend. He knows me better than some of my family and I trust him implicitly. It hasn't always been easy, at various times one of us has been more into the other, but basically there is an underlying love and trust that binds us together, not as a couple but as very deeply committed friends.

This might not be the case for you or it may. However, at the very least you have had a lovely interlude where you have been wanted and desired which must have been empowering after your bereavement.

My advice would be to go with it and maintain the friendship. Not every 'relationship' plays to a script.

pancakedayisover · 01/03/2012 22:12

snoop why aren't you together the or are you both with other people?

Pippa5l · 01/03/2012 22:16

Depends on the people and expectations involved. I have a lovely 20 year friendship with a guy I once had a relationship with. We do social things together and our kids are friends which works nicely. What is not so nice is that his girlfriend is completely threatened by me even though we ve never met, and my last boyfriend felt the same way about my good friend. But our friendship has outlasted any of our relationships. We are anchors in each others lives.
Conversely Ive recently met up with my first serious boyfriend from when I was 19-28 years old. He totally broke my heart and I never thought I would recover. But having met him recently I was so disappointed, he is bitter and
angry about life, so much so I just cant keep in touch with him.

Hassled · 01/03/2012 22:16

Not insane at all and sounds lovely for you - some fun with someone you like and trust. Carry on being friends, I reckon.

(I'm very good friends with my ExH. He popped round for a glass of wine and a catch up earlier this evening. I'm remarried, he will be soon, it's fine. It can work)

Original poster

weirdstuff · 01/03/2012 22:20

Thank you both.I think i thought,i wanted more pancake,but after mulling it over i hope as in snoopdogs case,i think it is about a depth of friendship really.We can talk about a great deal of things very openly and make each other laugh.it is just a weird turn of events in my life i didn't expect,in a positive way!!

OP posts:

lemniscate · 01/03/2012 22:21

I managed to stay very good friends with an ex for 4 years (he was my best friend, we had a short relationship, then went back to being very good friends). And then we had a long conversation about how we actually had fallen in love with each other and have now been together for a further 10 years, married for 5, have 2 DCs :) So I have no doubt that friendships can be maintained after sex and if it is right then it can lead to more (or not if that is what you both prefer)

I think the main problem can be if one of you wants a relationship and the other just wants friendship. But if you just want to be friends then it should work and if at some point in the future you both want a relationship then that could work too.

Mumsyblouse · 01/03/2012 22:27

You can try to keep it as friends, I guess and see where it gets you. I think it could get difficult, as you have both a deep friendship and presumably enough attraction to have sex, so the question of why you are not in a relationship or one person being keen to be in one may not go away quite as much as if you totally don't fancy the person and it is platonic from the start.

Hassled- I don't think it's quite the same when you have been married, as the relationship has run its course, in this situation, it has barely begun and it might be hard to agree you are incompatible and have absolutely no future.

snoopdogg · 01/03/2012 22:43

pancake both single but it works for us as it is. We have recently had conversations about spending our old age together (both approaching 50) so we'll see.

Situations change, people change, feelings change. When there's a good bit, seize it weird

Original poster

weirdstuff · 01/03/2012 22:53

Thank you snoop.it really is one of those strange friendships where i feel we could talk about anything,and would be there for each other always in times of crisis.Time will tell!

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MooncupGoddess · 01/03/2012 23:49

Oh yes, I have two close male friends like this. It's great actually as we've got the sex thing out of our systems so don't have to worry about it any more, whereas with male friends I haven't shagged there is sometimes a soupcon of 'would I? would he?' hovering in the background.

Solo · 01/03/2012 23:55

I am still very good friends with an ex lover.

He's lovely, but I know we will never be intimate again, just good friends :)

solidgoldbrass · 02/03/2012 00:57

I have loads of friends that I have had sex with in the past; in some cases it's never going to happen again, in other cases it might do. Sex is really just sex, it's fine to have it for the sheer fun of it, for curiousity, to alleviate boredom etc, as long as you are courteous, kind and not deliberately misleading the other person or people involved.

Original poster

weirdstuff · 02/03/2012 01:04

Thanks SGB needed to hear that.I think,if we do or don't we have a very strong friendship going on,which is all good xx

OP posts:

PandaNot · 02/03/2012 01:06

Yes, one of my closest friends is a guy I slept with but I've since married, had kids etc, he's had a long term gf. Neither of our other halves know (afaik!) that we've ever been more than friends though which hasn't been a problem so far but I could see how it might be. Its not that we've deliberately kept it a secret, it's just that no one has ever asked us!

ameliagrey · 02/03/2012 14:28

OP if he is so lovely, why aren't the two of you in a relationship assuming you want that sometime?

I don't believe that "sex is just sex". it's not like having a cup of tea with them. Having been intimate with someone changes things.

I have maintained close friendships with 2 ex's over many years, but in each case their wives were not happy with us talking by phone or seeing each other for an occasional drink once every few years, so it had to revert to Xmas cards only.

I'd say it is quite possible to keep being freinds, but you might find it harder once one of you is in an exclusive relationship.

slug · 02/03/2012 15:39

I had 3 of my ex boyfriends at my wedding. DH wasn't at all fazed by this. But then, I think most of my boyfriends have started out as friends first. Once the sex fizzled out we were still friends, we always has a basis of actually liking each other and having things in common.

Original poster

weirdstuff · 02/03/2012 20:57

ameliagrey,because we live miles apart,because i am still dealing with grief and it would be unfair to land all that on him.He is lovely,yes.Maybe we will end up being "friends with benefits" when my head is in a better place,maybe we will just maintain a close,lots of chats and emails and see each other occasionally friendship and there be no sex involved.Who knows.

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ameliagrey · 02/03/2012 22:33

AAhhhhhhhh- that makes it clearer :)
It seems as if you have w ithdrawn because the sex was making it too complicated, andmore of a relationship than you wanted at the moment.

In that case, there is no reason why you can't be friends only, as long as you are both happy with that.

Maybe the sex you had was a step too far at the moment- given your feelings.

No reason not to have him as a friend though.

Original poster

weirdstuff · 02/03/2012 23:33

TBH I think he withdrew a bit because he couldn't handle my slight nuttiness re grief,but it is all good and we are still chatting.I am happy with how things are,i think we have developed a better understanding really,after a good conversation that we needed to have and hope it continues.

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CotesduRhone · 02/03/2012 23:38

"God yes", is the short answer, but the longer is "possibly not immediately".

I am very good friends with one ex, and a bunch of other people I've slept with over the years, some of whom are now married to my female friends. In fact I hadn't thought about most of these until you asked the question. So, yes.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 03/03/2012 01:46

Totally depends on the individuals involved, but DH is still really good friends with a woman he's known since school days and had a brief fling with in the fairly dim and distant past.

I'm not sure if she knows I know, but it's simply never been an issue. She is great and we're friends, too.

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