what if I never have a relationship again?

[teahouse]

I'm in my mid-40s and have been a single mum for 12 years - longer than I was married. I've not really dated in the past 6 years and can't really recall the last time I was chatted up.

Now my kids almost grown and gone I have started contemplating what sort of future I might have, and it scares me. I've tried internet dating with no luck and in the last six months no one has even contacted me.

The media is full of the elderly treated appallingly and it could be that I'll never really get to have a proper life before I get to that stage. What if the rest of my life is devoid of hugs, kisses and any support...what if the next 25/30 years are just more of the same emptiness I currently have.

I am trying to build up a social life but it's hard when you've not had one for years - how do you start? What will people think when they realise that I am such a sad and unwanted person; it must colour people's perceptions when they find out I've been single for so long.

There are far more women than men so never having a relationship again is a strong possibility but the thought of three more decades alone is terrifying. How do I deal with this?

I will give you the advice that I get given all the time. firstly focus on you and making your life as full as possible. Get some hobbies and get out there. Go clubbing. Alone if you have to. Join a salsa class. get a make over. Pamper and nurture yourself. I do excersise dvds and I want to take up running.
The more you get out there the more your confidence you will get and the more men you will meet. Don't give up on love.

But make sure taht you are doing it for you and not just men.

you sound a bit like me teahouse (mid forties, single, finding dating prospects bleak). However I feel really positive about the future. OK care of the elderly is scary, but that's a possibility single or not, if you are in a couple you face watching a partner deteriorate, may be just as helpless or incapable yourself, who knows? you can't live your live wondering what will happen when your 80, you're only halfway through fhs,.
You have freedom now to explore life, I wouldn't worry too much about men or indeed others at this point, find what interests you and pursue it. That way you will be interested and therefore interesting to others, should you want that. If you feel negative and scared that will show.
I am retraining, have met a wealth of interesting characters, still have aims and ambitions. I am certainly not worrying about old age, and neither should you.
Do something that scares you a little, whether it's travel alone, put up a tent, start small and build up!

What will people think when they realise that I am such a sad and unwanted person; it must colour people's perceptions when they find out I've been single for so long.

Not at all. Stop overthinking things!

hi teahouse - What if the rest of my life is devoid of hugs, kisses and any support. - I can relate to this and I am married . To be fair, I do get practical support from dh but we have a co-parenting kind of relationship and never/rarely touch each other. We were sleeping together roughly every six weeks (sometimes longer) - sorry tmi - but that has stopped because it always causes problems in that I then want affection on a daily basis and the absence of it makes me feel terrible. At the moment my kids are 10, 7 and 5 and the younger two and to some extent the older one are still very cuddly so there is a lot of physical contact there, but I too sometimes wonder what I will do when they have outgrown this phase!!
Anyway, sorry, I am rambling on about myself but I wanted to say that being in a relationship isn't always all about love either!!! However I am sure that you would have the freedom to choose the kind of relationship that you really need so I really hope you find it as I do think intimacy and closeness with another adult is lovely. I don't think you have missed any boat at all. I second the advice to really enjoy your own life which is so precious, whether or not you meet a significant other. Really love yourself for yourself. Then whatever comes along will be a lovely bonus. 45 is not old!!! (I have to say that since I am 43 but I do really believe it - you know your mind, have life experience, but still have plenty of energy). I wish you all the best .

You sound like you might be a little depressed. I am going to see a counsellor at the moment and it is really helping to turn my ideas around. There are lots of ways of being with people, young or old, and it really frees your head not to be thinking about yourself. I know because I tend to navel gaze. I volunteer two mornings a week at my kids' school and spending that time with all those young eager lives makes me feel great.
I understand about the not being chatted up. Being chatted up is lovely (has rarely happened to me but is a real ego boost when it does). Don't worry, when you least expect it it will happen again.

Teahouse - also 45, and got quite upset watching a soppy dvd the other day where a young-ish couple were embracing, and I had the thought that maybe I will never have that again ....

On the plus side, my mum is 65 and has about 3 blokes in her walking/ramblers group virtually pulling pistols at dawn over her! So maybe there is hope.

But sometimes it's just bloody depressing think I will move to the states and marry a polygamist

I worry about this too. I'm 47 and was married for 11 years several years ago.

My worry is though that although I have had relationships (I lived with the last one for 2 years), I LIKE living on my own.

I think I would like to meet someone who was happy to also live alone, but just have lots of dates, holidays etc. I really don't want to get married, but I'd like someone to go out with.

all I can say is I'm 59 and met my partner last year (he's also younger than me) - so you ladies have plenty of time!

Me too OP. i think if you can afford to, go for therapy. You need to feel better about yourself first.

As to OP, I relish some aspects of getting older and being single. No longer caring about male approval can have a liberating and enjoyable aspect. I am a single parent and I did do a bit of internet dating last year and found out what I was missing

but nice to hear your experience too rubycon .

I have been here 8 years, my kids have gone and can't get a social life as don't know anybody. Not had a proper relationship for over five years. So I internet date. Works for me.

Fabby would talking therapy, be helpful? Why can't you get a social life, in order to get to know people?

You need to know people to have a social life, Ive been here 8 years and have no one to go out and do things with, its hard doing them alone. I do work but people at work are part of a couple. I don't do pubs either.

www.meetup.com

frre site

it is wonderful, went alone, met lots of others who WERE alone

but if you haven't got the balls, i expect more excuses, any minute

although i understand if there is nothing you are interested in or too far to travel

can you drive fabby?

Internet dating is something which seems to work for some people, but not others. I never got to a point where I thought I could meet up with anyone I 'met' on a dating site and a lot of the people who contacted me were looking for an extra woman for their threesome!! (the other thing is, you're not using a site like POF are you? Because there are much better ones to try so I hear)

I seem to do better meeting people in RL - you may find the same. But you need to believe that you are the one in control of your life and that you can achieve what you want to. You sound sad, I hope you're ok!

www.meetup.com/cities/gb/43/birmingham/

for example

Most people on dating sites are shyte.

I'm mid 40's, I love living on my own:) I find it sublime:)
I have so much more energy:) relationships I find are just a drain and take far more than they give

Another one in her mid-40s who adores living alone. Embrace the freedom, OP!

I'd rather chew off my own leg than have to live with someone again!
If I ever have another relationship it will have to be very very part time

Fabbychic you are very pretty with a lovely smile!

get on that meetup site, go for it
x

Totally agree loves. I'm planning to look for a nice old blokey when I hit my 60's. Maybe. In the meantime it's just me, toast, tea and the laptop in my kingsize bed. Long live the diagonal snooze.

Im 27 and was wondering if I was weird to not want to get married etc. (I have 1 dd, and am single mum) I love my own company and pottering about. But then I think its prob just a low confidence phase and one day Ill regret not seeking a companion.

So, Im doing things that entirely please me. If I happen to meet someone Ill be happy, and if I dont Im sure Ill manage. (I did meet someone, he knows Im not seeking marriage etc)

What do you think about volunteering? Its very purposeful and rewarding.