need help

[bellerose]

I am really struggling at the moment and feel like I can't cope. It is a long story. I met my partner 4 years ago and we have a 3 year old son. We were living in his flat that he owned when we found out I was pregnant. I wanted to either stay in the flat or private rent as I was worried we couldn't afford to buy a house. I was very young when I met him and he is 8 years older andlikes things to be done his way. He rented his flat and then we bought a house.

Throughout our relationship my partner has drank 12 cas of beer every night while I sit alone upstairs in my bedroom every night. I suffered with SPD badly when I was pregnant and don't have any family nearby so I found it very isolating. He did not help me when the baby was born and continued to drink. I had a very good job but I ended up losing it after my son was born due to severe postnantal depression. This meant we could not keep up the mortgage repayments and our house was reposessed. He then persuaded me to do an iva which failed because he could not keep up the mortgage payments on his flat which was then also reposessed.

We now pivate rent a house. I feel so unhappy as he persuaded me to move to a remote town where his familily live as he said I would get more support from his family. I cannot drive, have no money and his family never see me or my son. I am not entitled to benefits as I live with my parter who gets a good wage but he doesn't give me any money and spends sos much an alcohol and cigarettes. I have no freinds here and my family live in Leeds.

I went to the citizen's advice beureu who I am now going to work with. My partner is determined that the only way to go is down the bankruptcy route. He wants me to do hat he wants not the citizen's advice. I am so worried as I know that when he gets made bankrupt they will take most of his wage so he is even less likely to give me any money. I don't know how I am going to cope.

I also feel so overwhelmed with all the housework and caring for my son as he gives me no help at all. He drinks and then makes himself a massive meal at midnight and leaves it for me to clean up the next morning.

I have started a college course to try and help with my depression as it makes me leave the house every day. I can't cope when every now and again when he runs out of money or feels a twinge of guilt he says he is stopping drinking. The problem is is that he is like a different person when he doesn't drink, he takes it out on me and I walk on egg shells. I feel i've completely lost my independence as I an totally reliant on him and have to ask his permission for everything.

I used to have a good job and be independent and self reliant before I met him.

His family and friends think he is amazing and such a fantastic man but they don't know what he's really like. His son adores him and craves his attention.

He found the house that we privately rent and stupidly I moved into it without even looking at it. the gargen is so bad and dangerous that my son can't play in it. We spent last summer not being able to go outside apart from to the park. He won't do any work to it as he has got a hernia caused by him putting on 5 stone since I met him. He won't do anything to lose weight or even make a doctors appointment about his hernia.

I want to leave and applied to the council for housing but was awarded 0 points. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt him as despite everything he is a good man and i know he loves me and my son. He says if i ever left it would destroy his life. I also don't know if i've got the courage and bottle to do it. I feel so alone and scared of the future. I want to leave but I don't want to take my son away from his father and I do really love him.

Where do your family live? Do you have any friends or family members who would accomodate you for a week or two while you 'get your head together' about your future wants and needs?

The CAB that you are attending can transfer your case to another branch if necessary, so please don't let the thought of moving temorarily or permanently nearer to those who are better placed to you offer you rl support deter you.

They live in Leeds. No I have nowhere else to go. I feel to guilty to take my son away from his dad to Leeds.

you might love your H, but he is clearly an alcoholic and a neglectful father and husband...

can you talk to your GP? you need help, from people who have the strength to support your properly. as long as you're in that house, all alone, you are going to feel weaker and weaker, and that is not right.

are you on medication for your pnd? you sound very very depressed. (though you might be depressed because you are living with an alcoholic, rather than because of actual pnd.)

"I feel to guilty to take my son away from his dad to Leeds."

Why? You honestly think he's a good role model for your son? Go to leeds. Seriously.

I know it's a bit of a cliche on this board, but your partner sounds controlling. Neither of you are good for the other. He is drinking his issues away and ignoring your emotional needs and you are reacting to this and its making you completely depressed.

I think you really need to speak to your GP. Also a health visitor if your son still has one. I think you would honestly feel much better if you were on your own and had the required head space to think about your life and issues and where it's going.

Please do not be afraid to leave and do not be put off by fears about accommodation etc. I lived in 3 hostels for 2 years - one which for women suffering domestic violence, you will not end up on the street. Try and get in contact with any friends or family that can help you.

If you feel guilty about leaving, I suggest you ask your partner to get some counselling with you to address his and your issues together and his drinking habit. If he refuses you should leave and not look back. It will only get worse. Just leave.

He is dragging you down. If he wants to go bankrupt don't get involved. Get yourself out of there and don't look back because he will never change. Go back to Leeds and get your head together. Only then will you get back on track. If your H loved you and your son he would sort himself out.

Would you parents accommodate you? As this relationship is doing nothing for you...

I have spoken to hime he said he will give up drinking on monday. I am hoping he will this time. If he doesn't I have told him I am leaving.

OK my dear, if you want to leave, you are going to be able to.

There are probably no council homes available, so that means its private rent. Could you move back to your fam and friends? And private rent from there?

Its about housing benefit paying the actual rent once you're in - but look out for the deposit issue. Some councils will pay a deposit for a woman with a child, some won't - find out.

I think your OP smacks of DV as well - financial abuse, emotional abuse, feeling fear and walking on eggshells. If you can, get a dv advocate thro the police who can advise you on who to talk to.

I wouldn't wait for him to give up drinking, it won't happen.

drinkers need to 'hit bottom' before they actually change, and maybe leaving with your son will be the wake up call your P needs? Realistically, threatening to leave and not going will only serve as unspoken permission for him to continue. He will have called your bluff. So if you have given him a deadline (Monday) and on Monday night he cracks open a beer, what will you do? Will you have a bag packed and a train ticket on standby? Will you have spoken to your parents or someone else who can accommodate you and your son for a (possibly extended) visit? For your own sanity, don't just say you will leave, have a plan B. Plan A is that he miraculously changes. Plan B is that you follow through...

It may help to imagine treating him like your DS on this issue (by which I mean it might help you maintain some humour and distance). If you say to DS 'don't do that or you will go on the naughty step' but you don't put him on the naughty step, ever, we all know that a child won't learn. Drinkers are exceptionally childish and behave in a very similar way. If he isn't a full blown alcoholic, it could be the short, sharp shock that he needs. But frankly, 12 cans a night spells alcoholic. So you need to be prepared that even leaving won't be enough for him to change... in which case, you will be facing reality. An alcoholic P who wants to put you in a financial black hole with him. Leeds is clearly a better option for you and your DS in that case, albeit a scary thing to face.

It's unspeakably crap. But sitting here (at my parents house, pregnant with a young DS) having recently separated, I can say with absolute confidence that while it is scary, and feels shit to not have 'daddy' around, it' is NOT the end of the world. My reasons for a split are different, but the reality is you can, and most probably will, be fine if you choose to make a break. The question really is will you be ok if you choose to continue as you are? Only you can answer that one honestly.

HUG x

I know what you are saying. His family arn't very supportive but I feel they would be devestated if I took my son away from them to Leeds. I know I need to put my son and myself first and stop thinking of others.