The dreaded make or break conversation tonight with DP. Any advice?

[detoxneedednow]

Hi

I don't think there would be much point going into details about our relationship. The main point is it's not good and I think it's finally come to a head. I could do with a little advice.

We've had so many conversations/arguments about our complicated and volitile relationship from pretty much the start of it, but in the last year i'm starting to lose hope. I feel like I don't really know dp anymore and i'm really scared that he's turning into the kind of person I just don't like.

I know what you're thinking, it doesn't sound good, but the love is still very much there and actually I probably love him more now than I ever have..........if that makes sense. However, the arguing is becoming daily and I can't believe some of the things he says and does. For example, we went out for a chat last night and surprise surprise ended up arguing and we both went to bed in a bit of a huff, but he still rolled over and started fondling me basically. I really lost it with him and told him to get off, which really pissed him off. I don't think he understands that I can't just switch off and pretend for half an hour that everything's fine, just to satisfy him. Having said that, he's not a selfish lover atall. Anyway, that's just one example of how disrespectful he can be, but believe me, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So we're having "the chat" tonight and I need a different approach, because whatever we've done before hasn't worked. I was even considering making a list of all my annoyances, because whenever we go out to discuss our problems we seem to get stuck on one thing and forget everything else. Has anyone tried the list before. Obviously I would counteract the negatives with the positives, but I fear that the scales would tip in the direction of the negatives.

I know it's not all his fault. I have many issues and I find it difficult to move on and forgive when something bad has been said. I know I have said some pretty awful things myself though.

There are plenty of good things about him, but recently i'm struggling to see anything other than an aggressive, rude, tactless, thoughtless and unnecessarily blunt man. On the flip side though he can be very caring, hardworking, incredibly motivated and extremely loyal. When it really comes down to it, he's always there for me. If I really needed him, he'd be there in a flash and the same goes for our DD. Thinking about it though, I mean physically. He would literally be there, but emotionally he can seem a little vacant. I know that's not because he doesn't care, it's just not really who he is. He'd offer a hug if I needed one, but he usually asks me what I want him to say or do to make it better.

Anyway, i'm really rambling and I said I wouldn't. So basically has anyone got any tips on how we should approach tonights dreaded conversation.

Thanks for reading.

This is such an interesting thread. So much of if is so familiar to me - we're really struggling at the moment and this thread is really useful, thank you

Sorry to hear your troubles. I have been married 20 years and a few of the things I/we do are: I try and remember it is better to be kind than right - so keep my mouth shut when its not important. Pick your battles. Don't rise to everything.

We treat each other like we would a good friend. It may be really trivial but includes pleases, thankyous, politeness. Don't do anything that you think would offend a really good friend.

Many men need to be appreciated and have a completely different reaction to women when they think they are doing something nice for you (even if its unwanted and unasked for) You should still be nice about it. They start thinking that nothing they do is right - so start doing nothing! and stop trying.

I am a SAHM and I think its important to give him a proper welcome when he gets in from a long day at work. I usually stop what I'm doing (if its feasible), make him a cuppa and ask about his day. I like the idea that on his drive home - he's going to be looking forward to walking in the door.

Living with your parents is probably difficult for him and so you could tell him you appreciate how hard he is working at this.

I don't think it matters too much if he's not a academic influence on you DC, you and the school can more than make up for this. Take this pressure off him.

The only persons behaviour you can change is yours - if you can calm things down, then perhaps he can get into a state of mind where he can consider his behaviour to you.

Couples counselling can't be a bad thing - and you could always go solo to start.

I don't think I'm advising you to do all the work and give in just that someone's got to make the first move and if you love him - then you should try everything before you think about giving up

I think igetcrazy has given you good advice. If you truly think your DP is a good kind person that you could really have a great life with, then it worth backing off and showing some kindness for a while, to give him the space to take in everything you've said and hopefully do something about it.

I have also been following this thread rather avidly since my earlier Faux Pax. I am going through the same thing OP with my DP and was feeling rather dispondent hence my "leopards don't change their spots" post.

My DP is very similar to your's and I sound spookily like you.

My main issue is the "emotional one" - have a very blokey bloke too

On MN you often read the extremes and get suckered in to think you're with the devil incarnate (I've accused my other half of gas lighting the lot) when actually it's down to a gender communication problem.

Give each other a timed 5 min slot to talk without the other butting in. Then the other one does same. It's hard but useful and forces you to really listen.

Thanks everyone. You've all given me some really good advice.

I do worry about his mental health and as someone who has suffered from depression since I was 12(on and off.......more on) I know how awful and dark you can feel. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone dp, but I guess it's difficult to have sympathy for someone who shows their depression through shouting and being so distance you question whether or not you really matter anymore.

I'm actually already having CBT on the NHS, so i'm not sure if we'd qualify for couples counciling too. They may just think i'm an NHS timewaster. I definitely think it would help us though. If we had the money I think I would seriously consider we went privately.

He said last night something which he's said before, but really upsets me "I know you're my soulmate, but i'm not yours am I?......." Now, I don't really even believe in soulmates, which is what I told him. I don't think he believes me. I think he always assumes i'm just waiting for someone "better" to come along. I understand why he thinks this, but I wouldn't have an affair. I have been very honest on here about my fantisising about other men recently, but i'm comfortable it was just a phase and my hormones must have been playing up or something. I don't believe that that means i'm on the look out for something better. I want our relationship to better yes, but only if it's possible. I guess I wouldn't have stayed this long if I didn't believe it was.

mojito, with a name like that, i'm pretty sure we're very similar It can be really great having a "blokey bloke" can't it. I like to feel safe and protected(sorry if that's old fashioned!!) but sometimes it's like let go of the alpha male stance and relax! You don't need to clench your fist or crack your knuckles everytime you feel a little threatened. I'm not saying he does that towards me though.

igetcrazy, very wise words. I agree with everything you said. I know that I have a big part to play in this and i'm happy to make an effort. I just hope he's still willing to do the same.

I'm sure he is just as willing detox, just doesn't know how to express it

I think you just say, we are not up to fixing this. We need counselling. And dont' back down on it. And then find a very good counsellor.

Can you move out of your parents/is there a timescale when you will be able to?
I only ask because living with ILs is incredibly stressful even if everyone is reasonable etc, so once you are out of that situation things might be different? I HATED living with my ILs and really couldn't see the wood for the trees while I was.
I also think you are right that he feels emasculated.

Phone Relate directly. I don't think you need a doc referral, but not sure. One quick phonecall and you'll know!

There may really only be one problem in your relationship - how you communicate. If you can learn to listen to each other, to be calm, to consider what the other person is saying, to be honest, to discuss and compromise, you may well be able to get along together.

The most unhelpful things to do when talking are, shout, swear, interrupt, walk away, slam doors, throw things, say things you don't mean, say hurtful things on purpose, lie, drag up the past, talk about things not relevant to the conversation. All these are 'point scoring' exercises designed to derail the discussion and 'win' the argument. But actually no-one wins.

OP you use the word 'nagging' quite a bit. This makes me think that you feel you are not being heard so you need to repeat yourself. His response, calling it nagging, is showing that he wants to avoid the discussion, perhaps because he fears it will lead to separation? I would ban the word 'nagging' from your discussions because it is negative, places blame and doesn't resolve anything.

You would really benefit from couples counselling and just learning how to communicate effectively. Then, whatever disagreements you have throughout your relationship can hopefully be resolved through compromise.

howdoo, you are spot on, living with the IL's is absolutely awful for a marriage. I suspect that financial stress coupled with your living arrangements (with parents and with your child) is causing a pressure-cooker situation. What a shame it would be if you split when actually, living in a different place, and without the depression and anger that comes with money worries, you could be a functioning family.

On this basis, I think you should put your energies into talking about how to fix the situation, and not each other's personalities. Of course you will benefit from couples counselling, but my guess is you have no money, and can't afford it- personally I think you would benefit from more nights out in which you calmly (not getting angry in the car) talk about how as a team, you can start to live the type of life you would like to live.

You are stressed and blaming each other for something which is just a situation you have found yourselves in. Your husband indeed is feeling emasculated and probably depressed (he's saying he feels on the edge of a breakdown), and you are angry too. But you are not always like this, and your relationship hasn't presumably always been this hostile, so there is a chance that you can rebalance the whole thing and go on to be much calmer and happier, but probably not at your parents house, or with large money issues. Get those fixed first.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your advice and more importantly, your time. It's genuinely helped me see things a little clearer.

Unfortunately last night wasn't an overall sucess. I was very honest and I did everything in my power not to raise my voice, which I was quite impressed with myself for, but dp still seemed so resentful that we had to talk about it all, although he was the one who actually suggested that we have another go last night

Anyway, like I say, I kept my cool. I can't make dp do the same. He wasn't as defensive as he was the night before and I guess overall he was trying. He's been trying really hard with me and dd today. He did say that although he didn't realise he was coming across so aggressive, he'd definitely make a concerted effort to be calmer, so I guess that's something. I did say that that was the number one issue I had because it was affecting dd so much.