I got proposed to yesterday. But not in a good way :(

[Tamoo]

Asking for advice on a weird and awkward situation, I know what has to be done but not how to do it.

In a nutshell, yesterday my best friend proposed to me. We are both female, not in any kind of relationship with each other (and never have been), and she was deadly serious.

We've known each other for about six years and are not only best friends but neighbours too. I'm a single mum with no real support network where I live and she's been great both practically and emotionally. We've both been through a lot over those 6 yrs, the usual run of financial and relationship problems plus some more serious issues, and we basically tell each other everything.

Well yesterday she invited me round for coffee and basically got down on one knee and proposed. I laughed a bit, until I realised she wasn't joking. She says I've been hurt enough and she wants to make sure nobody ever hurts me again (true, I've had a bad couple of years but nothing I can't recover from). She then explained how sex/intimacy wasn't "compulsory" but if anything "happened" she would be fine with it (I was quite at this point - she is bisexual but I am straight and she knows it). She also spoke about how our dc could be 'Best Men' and how it could be "the wedding to end all weddings".

I didn't know what do say except to ask repeatedly if she was alright. She assured me, yes. Says she loves me and wants nothing else than to marry me.

Of course (I thought she would know, 'of course') I don't feel the same. But I'm at a complete loss how to address this situation. I genuinely think she might be having some kind of mental breakdown. The reason being, she has had a very stressful time recently. Serious family problems including a problematic/antagonistic dc and ex partner. Even more worryingly, she has a history of depression and self-harm, is on ADs now. She had weekly counselling for months but recently was signed off (against her will; I'm sure due to NHS cutbacks - that's another thread though).

She was at pains to reassure me that nothing had to change and I could have all the time I needed to think about it. I'm pretty sure though I just sat there looking like this: Anyway I had to be somewhere yesterday so didn't stay long, was so glad to get out as I didn't know what the hell I should say.

I don't want to hurt her obviously and am acutely concerned that she might be going through something mentally that I don't understand and don't know how to deal with. Actually maybe I should have posted this in Mental Health, I don't even know. I'm quite gutted because I suspect one way or another this is going to be a crisis that costs us our friendship. But I'm more worried about how to address this appropriately but unambivalently.

(Before anyone asks, I have never led her to believe I'd be interested in a lesbian relationship with anyone, let alone her, and I don't think we've even discussed marriage as a theory, ever. The only thing I can remember saying to her in its regard was after the royal wedding last year, I said I felt sad that I'm in my mid-30s and no-one has ever felt strongly enough about me to want to marry me. But I can't believe she's been plotting this for ten months based on a casual remark I made when I was feeling maudlin one time.

)

Forgot to close brackets. Also should have said, she has been on ADs for years, longer than I've known her.

Actually it sounds rather sweet - are you sure it's some kind of breakdown rather than that she really is in love with you? Are you convinced you're not loveable? Or are you a bit suspicious that it's more that she is hoping you will take care of her? If it were a male friend proposing would you find it so hard to believe she meant it?

Anyway... yes, if you just don't feel the same way I imagine it will be very, very hard if not impossible to go back to being such close friends. Everyone needs one or three good platonic friends, and here's one of them going all romantic on you. Love has a lot to answer for.

It's going to be a bloody hard conversation letting her down gently though.

er, he meant it, if it were a male friend, obviously

This is such a difficult situation, I don't know what to suggest. I agree she does sound a bit troubled, not only to have done something quite so drastic, but also not to have sounded it out beforehand. I can see how your friendship is compromised because presumably you thought she understood you, and so would know this was absolutely inappropriate.

Obviously you have to tell her how you feel, but I guess your worry is that she will take it very badly/it will spoil your friendship/cause her mental health to deteriorate. Does she have any other friends or family? Can she go back and ask for more counselling? All you can do is cushion the blow (and perhaps let her know asap, so the conversation moves to how can you move on from this, rather than it remaining as a possibility).

It does sound sweet in a way but you are straight and so for that reason I find it a bit sinister and controlling.

Blimey! And you had no idea of her feelings towards you?

There's a big difference between sounding out if someone likes you (even though they made it clear they were straight) and someone having a whole worked out fantasy of marriage in which you have the starring role alongside them. It's the difference between asking someone out for a casual coffee, or asking if they had ever thought about you romantically, and doing this very dramatic thing. She had thought through the event, the marriage, the children's role, the sex life, it would all be far too much from a man or a woman, even if they were your friend.

My first thought reading this was is her depression possibly bipolar? This sounds like something that could happen in a manic "up" phase, where sufferers may be convinced they have hit on the grand solution that will "solve everything"...

I don't know if it will mean the end of your friendship but I think the kindest thing to do would be to sit her down and tell her straight out that it is not happening, and why. Then maybe a cooling off period to get over the embarrassment before seeing where it all leaves your friendship.

No idea of any such feelings on her part and she is as honest and straightforward a person as you can get, hence me thinking it's evidence of a breakdown. It would have been much more 'like her' to have said something lighthearted in that regard and for us to have had a laugh about it. But we've known each other 6yrs. It's never been remotely hinted at, that and the fact she knows I'm straight, and her personal difficulties lately...I'm really quite worried about her.

Yet hiding a bit because I know next time I see her we'll have to talk about this.

ah op, let her down gently.

Explain that although you care lots for her as a friend, you dont want to marry her.

sometimes simple is better than giving 5 million reasons.

You're right, it does sound like an 'up' episode in bipolar terms.

She is not diagnosed as such though, which I know for sure.

IMO you should give her the opportunity retract her proposal - for all you know, she may have thought better of it after you left and perhaps you could take the line that you've seen it as a kind of early April Fool's joke that she didn't seriously intend.

Maybe say that her gesture cheered you up immensely and you are deeply appreciative that she is so caring towards you and that in another reality who knows whether the pair of you would get it on, but that in this life you are a confirmed heterosexual who is only willing to marry a seriously hot, rich, natural born man.

I would tend to make light of it unless, of course, she persistently refers to her 'grand plan' to the point of embarrassment.