How can I be more assertive with dh?

[popgoestheweezel]

Now, at first glance many people think I am married to the ideal man and in many ways they are right. He helps around the house, does most of the shopping and cooking (both of which are his favourite hobbies) and helps out with the kids quite a lot. I do love him very much and do believe he loves me very much too.
But we run our own business together and I feel he does not pull his weight at work. The majority of the responsibilities are mine, his responsibilities are far fewer and certainly not a full time job.
I feel that I am the 'breadwinner' because I have the most responsibility at work but also have to take the bulk of our household responsibilities too. Most of the time it is me who gets up with the kids, gets uniforms, packed lunches etc organised (ds is very challenging child so that adds to the workload too) I walk them to school but when I get back he hasn't even managed to get himself dressed- I end up waiting for him so we can go to work!
I know I have in some ways allowed this to happen, he is a very dominant personality and I am naturally more passive. The problem is, I cannot talk to him about this- when I do he turns it round so it looks like I'm being unreasonable, he has a degree in law and argues so well that usually I end up apologising by the end of the conversation! If that doesn't work he just blows up (basically has a tantrum). So, I keep my thoughts to myself but I feel more and more suppressed anger building up which is very unhealthy.
Can anyone give me some tips on how to be more assertive and put my point across without provoking tantrums?

First, start by telling him you will meet him at work as there is a lot to do and you want to make a head start so can't wait.

That would be good but we only have one car (we don't need two as we work together). I am thinking we really must get another one now though.
I said this morning 'I can't be doing with all this waiting about for you every day' he says 'Well, it just gives you a taste of your own medicine, cos I spend most of my life waiting for you'. I can't think when he last waited for me.

Also, today is quite quiet at work, there isn't that much to do i've done it all

I recommend an assertiveness course.

There are also plenty of good manuals. Seeing it and practising it in person is more effective, of course (hence why I recommend the course first)

I forgot to say he hasn't even attempted to come to work today. Instead he just said he was ill and got back into bed- after i'd just made it
I'm sure he will be well enough to see his personal trainer this afternoon though

I don't see me really doing a course, but I'd definitely read a book. Any recommendations?

Pop he sounds like an arse but assuming he is not a 'bad man' and just likes his own way I suggest two things. Write a list of everything that has to be done perhaps separate for work and home. Then you have a think about what you want him to do more, say take the kids to school or get up at the weekend and you have a lie in, an evening off, hoover whatever it is. Then discuss the list if you are nice but decide he is doing these other jobs and make him do them even if it means they are left or you walk out of the house. Re your waiting for him I wouldn't have after a few times - get in the car and go. He can make his own way to work. Good Luck.

Cross post. Trouble with personal trainer is that if he doesn't see them he'll loose money I guess? I would say this afternoon that you are having next Tuesday off and do do it.

Could you cycle to work?

Amaretti- cycling is a great idea- i will dust off my bike as soon as I get home tonight.
Daylily, yes he would lose his money if he didn't go but I actually suspect that he is only 'ill' because he has been working out too hard anyway. Since he started with the personal trainer (4 wks ago) he has been really grumpy, half term was awful as he was so miserable. But any gentle suggestion I make that he might take it a bit easier is aggressively rebuffed.

I don't think this is so much a problem of you being unassertive as him exploiting you and being a bit of a bully.

He's got things the way he wants them so he's defending them against any changes you might want to make.

Whose name is the business in BTW.

daylily, wrt the list, it is a good idea but wouldn't work for us on many levels.
I would feel like that was yet another responsibility for me to organise him at home and at work- I just don't feel like I should have to do that. He thinks he does a lot with the children and around the house, and he does do more than most men, but, he does not work full time so he should be!
Anyway, there is no way he would cooperate with me making a list regardless.

Nyac, maybe you have a point about him being a bully- I do often feel that way.
We are partners in the business. Ironically, until we had the dcs he was a super hard worker and was a big driving force in the business, we were a great team.

Firstly, he does not "help out" around the home, or with the children.

When you use this language, to yourself and to him, you are implying that he is in someway doing you a favour. Don't let him see it like this.

It's his house, and they are his children. It's all work that needs to be shared. Stop waiting for him in the mornings.

Yes, he thinks he does a wonderful job because he does some of his share. The thing that really winds me up is that when other people are around he acts like this amazing father eg. taking 4 dcs off bowling while me and my friend go shopping, or mopping the floor when a friend pops round. But, when it's just the four of us he will often just absent himself from family life/responsibilities and it becomes 'him' and 'the three of us' . Not to mention the lack of participation at work too.

I see a lot of red flags in your posts, to be honest.

Everything points to a self-centred arse, who is willing to act aggressively when things aren't working to his benefit anymore. And his tactics are working: he slacks off at work and in the home, and gets to spend as much time as he wants on his hobby.

You probably need more than an assertiveness manual. Because I don't think that any change of behaviour from you is going to do anything other than make him escalate his manipulation tactics.

hot yes, I think you are right. Any change in my behaviour will definitely make him escalate his manipulation tactics. In the rest of my life I am very assertive and confident. I want to feel like I am in a relationship with an equal who treats me with respect. I did use to feel that way most of the time (although he has always been a bit like this).
Yet, underneath this feeling that I am 'in the right', there is a nagging doubt that he is right and I expect too much- does this doubt come from me or has he planted in there?
The frustration is that he is capable of so much. One of the things that most attracted me to him was his dynamism- he was always doing so much, he would finish a task before most people had started, he is highly intelligent, full of ideas with loads of practical skills but never uses any of them these days- it is such a waste.

does this doubt come from me or has he planted in there?

It will certainly have been nurtured/used by him. However, the fact that you are receptive to the suggestion that your feelings of unfairness must be wrong suggests to me that the seed was planted before you even met him.

he is highly intelligent, full of ideas with loads of practical skills but never uses any of them these days- it is such a waste.

It's his waste, though, isn't it? His choice. If you're hanging on in the hope of what could be, of what should be, then you are selling your own self short. And wasting opportunities of your own.

I don't think the issue is you, OP. You don't need to work on yourself. He's the problem.

I don't see why you should consider cycling to work. If he's not ready on time, you drive to work and leave the bike for him to use.

Thoroughly agree with the thoughts that he's a bully. You don't need to change - he does.

If he can't be ready when it's time to leave, he can make his own way to work. Tell him that you will be leaving at X time, and then go.

Stop comparing what he does to what other men do and start comparing what he does to what you do. You should be getting, as far as possible, equal leisure time.

I can recommend Wifework. I think the list thing is worth doing - if nothing else, once it's down on paper you'll have a lot more confidence in the fact that you're NOT being unreasonable.

Are you technically his boss? How would you deal with an employee who behaved like this who you weren't married to?