Dss cutting dh out of life. What to do?

[goodenuffmum]

My dh left his xw 17 yrs ago after her 2nd affair and we met 2 yrs later. He has 2 ds (aged 22 and almost 18) to his xw and we have 2 ds (aged 12 and 8)

Dh has never talked to his ds about why he left and so they only have his xw's "He abandoned us" war cry.

We have hung in through all her lies and dramas because we hoped that they would make up their own mind when they grew up.

Things were going ok until recently and the ds were spending time together (this was major progress from when my dss thought my ds was christened 'the wee B).

Then dss (22) met and moved in with a girl who is a carbon copy of his mother (personality and look wise). Weirdly she is also physically affectionate with dss no.2 (it makes people who see it uncomfortable).

Things have fallen apart starting with dss and his p starting a series of rows over minor things and ending in both dss telling my dh that he isn't their dad and they want nothing to do with him (dss p had got upset because my dh didn't recognise her straight away at a family do last month)

Dh is devastated. He's saying that he isn't going to phone them or go to see them. I'm worried that this could end up them being estranged. In the past dh has always had to apologise when xw has started a row because she would withhold contact and the boys now expect dh to do the same with them.

But should he now stand his ground, even if it means he has no contact? Dss is 18 next month and is expecting a substantial present. Please help....

As a stepmother I can only say that things will probably change as they grow up more.

It is hard with a vicious ex wife.. we still get the repercussions of that, but my stepkids are all mid 20's now, and have matured enough to realise that their mother is a manipulative drain on emotions.. and that much of the stuff she told them about their father when they were kids is lies...

It is really horrible when kids fall out with their parents, but it still happens even when the parents are not divorced.. and given some breathing space people make up and the arguments are forgotten.

Your husband is the "grown up" here.. he needs to keep the line of communication open. Or you could.. you are their stepmum... nothing to stop you from sending a simple "hope you are ok.. here if you need me or want to talk, and so is your dad" text..

Given that there is an expectation of a 'substantial present' being dispensed by your dh next month and that he has hitherto made all the running, I would suggest that a temporary halt to communications won't go amiss.

If your dh hasn't heard from either of them by the time the event rolls round, I would suggest he sends the birthday boy a suitably inscribed coming of age card minus cheque enclosures.

If an overture is received in the interim, I would suggest you encourage your dh to have the man to man talk he should have had with his sons some time ago and explain why he found it necessary to leave their dm - it sounds as if his older ds may especially benefit from the revelation.

What I suggest your ds doesn't do is provide a lavish sum/gift at any time without having first engaged in the necessary conversation.

Thanks sqeakytoy and izzyizin. I was thinking that he should back off for a while, but wasn't sure if it was just because I wanted a break from the drama.

Dh has decided he has finally had enough and is closing his wallet for a time.

The birthday present will be left off and he's refusing to pay for yet another summer holiday (we haven't been away for 2 years) for his exp and various relatives.

Fingers crossed things settle down again.

I think it's pretty unfair to deny an 18 YO an 18th birthday present because his brother has started acting like a dickhead.

Are you planning on buying your DSs presents for big birthdays? Ten years from now, if your DS12 gets a nasty girlfriend and cuts all ties, will you decide not to but his little brother a birthday present.

Honestly acting like this will only cement their bad opinion of you.

And why on earth has your DH been in the habit of sending his XW on holiday?!

I totally agree with Squeaky. It sounds to me that these two kids have had a pretty tense and stressful time of it all in all over the past few years. They are both still very young. Keep lines of communication open. Send texts. Give 18 year old his present.

They did not ask for all this complicated family stuff to happen, changes and new partners and half siblings etc (you sound very caring and nice by the way I'm not suggesting they are not loved or wanted around, just that it's difficult for kids of divorce - as I know very well).

Perhaps you've missed the bit that says "ending in both dss telling my dh that he isn't their dad and they want nothing to do with him" HMCTD?

From what goodenuff has said, it would seem that relations between her dh and his sons have been adversely affected by his exw's behaviour for a considerable period of time which, sadly, is a not uncommon state of affairs.

It seems to me that, given what both of his sons have told him, her dh is best advised to take them at their word for the time being.

In any event, no matter how important the occasion or the milestone, IMO no parent should feel obliged to dispense largesse to their adult - or newly adult - dc in the face of hostility or rudeness.

I strongly suspect that the birthday boy will break make an attempt to re-establish communication as his big day draws near, and it's to be hoped that this may provide an opportunity for straight talking and a stronger bond between father and son.

We have hung in through all her lies and dramas because we hoped that they would make up their own mind when they grew up.

How can they when your DH hasn't told them what really happened?

Time for some straight-talking, don't you think?

I think izzy is wrong and the others are right. It's not a game to be played. This shouldn't be about tactics. He is their father and should be the bigger man and keep communication going.

I think Nanny is right also but timing would be bad right now.

Oops sorry Izzy that sounded really blunt and mean against you. Wasn't what I was going for

No problem and no offence taken Choc.

I take the view that if anyone, including any/all of my family members, displays unwarranted hostility to me, they are entirely at liberty to do so on their own time - and on their own money 'cos they won't be getting any handouts from me until they've grovelled seen the error of their ways .

FTR, in my first response I expressed my opinion that the OP's dh needs to have a long overdue man-to-man session with his sons.

You did, I reread that after my post, and totally agree with that! I am surprised he hasn't found the time to at least hint that something had happened and he felt he couldn't continue with the lies!