Alone, alone, alone...so tired of being alone!

[StellaBrillante]

Just letting off steam, I suppose...

I divorced ex-husband when ds was 4 (he's now 13) and have had one 4 year relationship since which broke down 2 years ago. In the past two years, I kind of dated one person for a couple of months but nothing serious and never even considered introduced him to ds. But that ended in May 2010 and since then I've had one date. One date.

As far as relationships are concerned, I feel burnt out and perhaps reluctant to get involved but at the same time I do miss the adult contact.

Right now, I feel very bitter. Ex has never helped with anything and has played no part in ds' life other than the odd day out every 6 months or so. In a nutshell, I've done it all on my own: parenting, driving around, ds' social life, covering school holidays (whilst working full-time). Then today I picked up an email from ex-in laws saying that they can't have ds during the summer hols. They didn't say why but I know that it's because they're coming over to see ex over Christmas. No problem there but they were the one occasional help that I got. So all I can think is that everyone is getting on with their lives and having a ball while I've been left to deal with it all on my own and having to rely on other parents to give me a bit of break. And time and energy for dating? No way!

To add to it all, I am consumed by self-pity!!! I honestly feel that anyone 'datable' is simply outside my league because... I don't know... because I am a single parent, not a size 8 and not exactly swimming in money? I feel that if I was to date somebody, I'd have to make do with whatever comes along... oh dear...!!! :-(

no helpful advice...just a little feel for you.

I know how you feel. I have been alone for 5 years now. I have got used to it, but sometimes I feel like I am not a real woman anymore....

i just wanted to say, I feel the same way, and im not even divorced yet. so, not sure how to make it better but thanks for putting it into words.

Okay... your son is now 13.. so a lot more independent, and doing his own thing. He can handle his mum having dates, and you dont need a babysitter to go out with your friends. This is now the time when regardless of family help, you have got some of your freedom back.

Dont concentrate on dating, concentrate on building up a social life with your mates, going out with them, and being you... there is a bloody good chance that along the way you will meet someone as well... :)

your time will come. my ex neighbour was in this situation, we moved lost touch. then a few years i saw her married on facebook, with a woman in fact! but it made me

hang on in there, and make small positive steps

agree with squaky

Thank you all for the positive words.

And squeakytoy, you are absolutely right. I am working on building a social life. Because I've always been so rushed off my feet, I've seriously neglected that aspect of my life. So it basically means that I am starting from scratch and getting to know the parents from ds' senior school, getting in touch with old friends, etc.

It's bleeming hard though. I work long hours and have a long commute every day, plus evenings are an opportunity to catch up with ds and get house chores done. It gets to the weekends, I just want to exercise, eat well and sleep! :-)

You must be feeling miserable, first a big unmumsnetty hug from me.

I remember having similar feelings a couple of years ago after breaking up with my ex. It seemed like I had one failed relationship after another and my self esteem was destroyed because of constantly attaching my ego to a man. I put my heart and soul into the relationship, went through hell ttc, ended up with severe insomnia and weight gain, don't want to derail thread but all in all not a happy ending to that one.

What worked for me was a long period of single time, which I genuinely enjoyed. In fact I actually prefer being alone, I am happy with my own company and without the constant microanalysis of what is going on in the relationship. I currently have a dp, we are ttc, we get on like a house on fire and are the best of friends but my self esteem is not dependent on his actions if you see what I mean and it works very well indeed.

I'm not saying you will necessarily end up like me and prefer being alone, but the fact that you say you are consumed by self-pity and feel like you are not going to attract anyone datable shows that you have quite a low opinion of yourself at the moment, as we all tend to while we're feeling down. Once you are happy in yourself as a single person, you will start to attract men who are worthy of you. You sound like a lovely woman and mum and you are doing the best for your ds. My mum was a single mum and spent all week working and all weekend doing chores and caring for her elderly parents (in fact she still does) and I know how draining that is. You need to be very very kind to yourself, give yourself a bit of time and then everything will fall into place, I'm sure of it... I don't know if you are religious or not but I always say God will never give us more than we can handle.

You and ds will be just fine, stay strong.

I feelthe same but had no help since 2005 with my DS. Single for four years this year. I miss adult contact but i'm not ready for a relationship. I do not trust men. I'm trying to like myself first, get a job, get a social life then somebody may come along but i will take it slow. I do believe i'll never meet anyone genuine.

I've started to get used to doing it all myself. The times i have felt incredibly lonely, undeserving of love, walking down the beach with my severly disabled DS alone surrounded by families and driving home alone (my son has no eyesight or speech) not even a chat about our day.

Key is to feel OK about you. I'm still learning.

My daughters Father ran off at 7 months pregnant. I spent 8 years on my own, I thought I was destined for the spinster with cat lifestyle. But then I met somebody who I was with for 8 years, then that finished last year and Im with someone else now. My point is that as my daughter got older and became more independent I got my freedom back. Now I do a jewellery silver making class every week and am out socially 2 -3 times a week now. Im having a ball. Dont worry it will come with time. :)

I just want to say I think you have done such a great job of looking after your son, but now is definitely your time. I don't think it will happen overnight, but making more friends/going out/doing things you enjoy and building that up will really help, especially as your son won't be living at home forever and you will then have even more chance to get out and meet people (for friends and relationships).

Don't worry about being over a size 8 and all that stuff, yes, your future partner probably won't be a 21 year old Adonis anyway, but meeting someone nice, kind, fun, who you can do things with can be a bonus. I know plenty of people who have found someone in their forties, fifties, even their seventies and above.

Having said that, I also know single mums who have decided to be on their own, who have a large circle of friends but can't see themselves settling down again.

Whatever you do, don't be discouraged, you are exhausted after doing everything yourself for years and years, your turn to have a bit more of a life for yourself is really around the corner.