Could I really do it?

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

I have posted on here a few times about my strained marriage, I have always taken the advice given and tried to tell him I want a divorce. Every time I try I just end up in tears and being talked round so that I actually end up feeling like it was all my fault to start with. Dh always make lots of promises that he doesn't even try and keep. We are constantly arguing and it is affecting our ds's now. DS3 has asd and doesn't sleep very well, sunday night he only slept for 2 hours after being woken up at 9pm by his dad coming home from the pub. On monday evening dh was having a go at me for being in a bad mood, telling me to get a grip and stop being a nasty bitch; I had only had 1.5 hours sleep in 2 days so got upset which made him even more angry so I went to bed. DS2 has a few minor medical issue and adhd so needs to take 4 tablets each morning, DH does not like that he takes any and is very vocal about it. Last week ds decided he was not going to take one of his tablets because "he didn't want to take so many" resulting in him being sent home from school with stomach ache and the runs to which DH was annoyed telling me there was nothing wrong with him and I should make him stay at school as he was lying! When I tried to tell him is was because he is pushing his views on ds he told me I was talking crap and his family didn't believe in spending their whole lives popping pills, they just got on with it and have never needed anti depressants, WTF has that got to do with our sons health and so what if my family have a history of mental health problems. DS is also starting to talk to me like dirt, telling me to shut up and more.
Tonight however is just the last straw. I was at home when he came home from work and informed me he was going out for a pint, I said I needed to go out first ans we had no bread or anything for ds3's tea(he is a fussy eater) he just turned round and said "I am phoning a taxi, tell ds2 to go the shop down the road for bread" I looked out of the window and he had blocked my car in with his van, so I turned to him and said "the shop down the road doesn't sell the bread ds3 will eat" (will only eat 50/50) to which he gave me a mouth full about how selfish I was and how he deserved a pint as he had been at work and if I wanted to go and get bread I could move his van on my own and take the kids with me. He works 2 days a week not full time and goes out, what money he earns goes on him as "he deserves it" any tax credits we get are because he works and if I left of kicked him out then I would get nothing. This month I am really struggling to make sure everything is paid which he knows, he has handed over £20 all month, when I went to get his van keys out of his draw his separate account bank statement was there and I could see that he has over £300 in it as of 20th feb and I know he has put 2 checks in there since. I also know when he goes to withdraw anything as he doesn't take his card out with him, he makes a point of going out separately just to the bank so I am sure there is much more in there.
I am so pissed off and fed up. How can I end this properly without him talking me round.

Another thing is I get no 'me' time what so ever. I work, ok voluntarily but I am relied on and I love doing it.

write down the reasons why you cannot tolerate your H any more.

tell him you're starting divorce proceedings.

read your list, either to yourself or to him, if he starts tries to talk you round. then leave the room.

easy.

you don't need to have a conversation with him, you realise that don't you? you just need to tell him you're divorcing him and that's final.

I really wish it was that easy. I have tried that he will follow me even into the garden. He is extremely manipulative and will turn it around so it feels like I am being stupid and there isn't any problems.

it is actually that easy. you don't need to listen to anything he says if he talks to you, you can ignore him.

and you can call the police if he starts to frighten you etc.

he sounds a twat. have you thought about calling women's aid? he is financially abusing you for sure, and it sounds like he is emotionally/psychologically abusive too. if you got advice from women's aid, they might be able to give you more detailed advice about how to disentangle from a man like that.

can you talk to your parents or friends? maybe they need to be there to support you the next time you tell him it's over.

Maybe write down what you want to say. hand it to him, say "this is the end for me" and leave him with it. You have to find a way to emotionally detach when you talk to him as you are obviously so run down and anxious that you are very vulnerable.

On the plus side:
Without him you will probably be better off financially
You will be able to engineer "me time"
your relationship with your DCs will probably improve and they will relax.

Is house jointly owned/tenanted/yours/his cos that might make it easier??

the day you leave will be the beginning of the rest of your life. You will wonder why you found it so hard!

Well I did it! I didn't really have much choice, ds2 decided to take it upon himself to tell his dad how upset I was and that he needed to let me go out now and again. H went mad and accused me of using our son to do my dirty work.
He has now admitted that he doesn't want to be with me as I stole money from our family and I have made him suffer for many years because I am completely useless, however he said he is going nowhere unless I get him £12.5k to pay him off. Just to explain he has never put anywhere near enough money into the household budget and I this time last year had to use some savings we had to pay bills, he was not happy and decided that it was his savings when actually it was some money we had left over from a backdates payout when we had to go to tribunal to get ds3's DLA.
I have had a look on resolution and there is a family solicitor that accepts legal aid for divorce just down the road so I am going to ring them in the morning, they seem quite good from their website and say they can get the legal aid done quickly. I don't know for sure but I very much doubt that he would get that sort of payout in a divorce but there is no way I will give him it without a judge telling me to, I could get hold of it, I think, as my mum is quite well off.
Going to have to sleep on the sofa tonight, I am not sleeping in the bed with him.

well done you!
and i can't imagine him being due a penny from you!! ask the solicitor what he/she thinks.

my gut feeling is that H is just trying to scare you into shutting up. truth be told he has it easy, you pay for his household and care for his children while he spends every penny he earns on himself. if you go through with a divorce, he might actually have to man up and behave like a normal adult.

Thank you oiko. He did start with saying he wanted 20k I just replied that there isn't even that much in the house after the mortgage. I have full access to all of the bank statements to prove where all the bills are paid from, if needed as I use my card for everything.

or you could just alert the accounts to possible problems (if they are joint/yours) and get them to put a "lid" on how much can be taken out without both of you signing.

well done you!!

He doesn't take money out of the joint account. He keeps his wages to himself, he has never paid a single bill. What I meant was that I can prove that I pay everything in the household.

He can only talk you round if you have a conversation with him - so don't.

First of all, spend some time really, really thinking of what it is you want. If you want out, then that's what you say to him.

Sit him down and say, "This is not working anymore and neither of us is happy. So it's over. Please leave". That really is all you need to say. If he starts ranting about how he wants money, tell him to grow up...he knows perfectly well you haven't got it.

I don't know how the land lies, but if you can kick him out, do so - and don't look back. Be fair about allowing access to DCs, but do not involve yourself in any conversations about anything else. It won't help, and you already know what he's going to say because he's said it before.

Once he's gone, get on to the Tax Credits people and start claiming in your name - he won't be entitled to them anymore, but you will. You should also be able to claim Income Support & money to cover your mortgage payments (think it just covers interest only, but don't quote me on that). Best bet is to get down to CAB as soon as possible for some solid financial advice.

You won't fall apart financially - probably you'll be better off, because the money he's earning and spending all on his deserving, little self will be replaced with benefits to support you and your DCs.

Sorry, if this advice doesn't precisely fit your circumstances, I'm reading between the lines somewhat, but you are in a stronger position than you realise, so take control. And couldn't your well off mum (you lucky thing!) help you out a bit to get over the initial bump?

Obviously, it is shitty to have a h who hasnt contributed financially, amongst other things.

But to look on the bright side, how many women stay in awful marriages because he pays for everything and they feel dependent financially?

My sister lives on very part time work and tax credits, and was better off after she left her pig of an h.

Agree with others- you have nothing to discuss, if you have decided. He cant make you do anything, he isnt magic.

crocko thank you for the reply to be honest it has helped. I have just spend the last 2 hours getting through to him that I do mean it. I know I do, I told him I can see myself and the boy without him and quite often do. I think just that sentence opened his eyes. He has now accepted that this is real and it is going to happen. I have said I will never stop him seeing the boys but they need to live here as this is their home and ds3 wouldn't cope with even shared residency, he understood that. To be honest he goes the pub so much he only really here 3-4 nights a week at bed time and when he does go out he is gone before ds3 gets home from school. I have told him he has a week to go and he has accepted that. It was all very calm to be honest which was quite strange.
five I know I will be better off. I have looked into what I would be entitled to and once the help with the mortgage interest payments kick in, it would work out that I would have more coming in than I have now, plus I won't be paying his van insurance, his mobile bill and his credit card.
I feel so much better now. Poor ds2 was in such as state last night, he heard everything, I had to call his school today and tell them he was upset, they where great. DS1 now lives in his own place so he doesn't know yet, although H is not his dad.

Well done! You've taken a massive step towards having a calmer, happier life and your DC will all benefit enormously. You should be really proud of yourself.